FINDING JOY

Get Happy: Bright Side Up!

2012-02-07T12:38:00.001-06:00

Today is Book Day for my friend Amy Spencer, her Bright Side Up: 100 Ways to Be Happier Right Now is being being released today- Yippeee! One of the blessings of my life in the last few years is getting to meet some awesome writers through my agent Laurie and many of them are now pals of mine. So when one of their books comes out I am usually very excited and supportive no matter what, but with Amy I am extra excited because... I am in it!

Yes, that's right it is my first (to my knowledge) mention in someone else's book so you'd think today is my book release date. BSU is all about optimism so when last year Amy was so kind to ask if she could include The Thanksgiving List in her chapter about gratitude I was thrilled. I had wondered if I made the final cut or if I was left on the editing floor but it has been confirmed if you check out pages 137-138 you'll see TTL is on its way to making people happier right now.

Dating Optimism

The book has been getting rave reviews and is on many hot lists: Oprah, Shape, Star, Psychology Today, O Magazine, and numerous blogs. The thought that people are going to be thanking it forward makes me verklempt with happiness.

Amy lives her life as an optimist and whether it comes naturally to us or takes some effort I think there is no better way to go thru life- so I encourage you to watch her video, buy her book, follow her @datingoptimist and if nothing else bring a little bright side up into your life today :)

It's also a perfect time of year to add a little optimism to your love life, so check out Amy's first book too!

Scatter Joy .... & Jenna

2012-02-02T15:34:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I called to wish a guy friend of mine, will call him "Fred" (he's shy), congratulations on a new job offer. I was so happy for him and was thinking what a great guy he is and how this company is going to be lucky to have him. I had just hung up the call when I see my pal Jenna McCarthy (not the Playboy naked one, although she is hot enough to be asked) posted this tweet. I was so inspired and it struck me that I always tell my closest friends how much I love them but I don't often get that mushy with my guy friends or my other friends.

Well off went an email to Fred telling him how his Mother would be so proud of him as a person, the gorgeous, fun, kind kids he is raising, and the amazing husband and friend he is today. I had a warm fuzzy right after that I shared with Jenna who then also got a warm fuzzy -which might be slightly alcohol-aided because at this point she was drinking a toast to her Dad- ... then not too much later got a note back from Fred that he was so touched that he passed the note to his wife (one of my BFFs) who responded: now that's the kind of email you save for when you need a pick-me-up!

So one tweet brightened 4 people's day, and I am sure many others because Jenna has many followers who probably did the same. And you're reading this now and will also partake too, right?

The world might be scary and times might be hard but it takes but a minute to find some Joy, or Jenna, and scatter some happiness and appreciation in your path today.

Scatter Away :) ... (: ... :) ... (: .....

*btw: check out Jenna's hilarious new book for some more good vibes, warm fuzzies, and a plethora of profanity and get a daily treat by following her @Jennawrites.

ME Mapping: Creating 2012

2012-01-05T11:21:00.002-06:00

Want to have your best year yet? Want to hedge your bet just incase the Mayans are onto something? Want a map of where you're going and where you've been? Excellent! Then ME Mapping is for you:

You can also check out ME Mapping (for your current life).

LIVE JOY FULLY

2012-01-01T16:04:00.000-06:00

2012 Theme

Don't SOMEDAY Your Life Away!

2011-12-30T16:00:00.000-06:00

Was looking forward to mellow relaxing holidays to bring in the new year... that is not how things ended up going. No need to bore you with details, but the point is that we never know how our day, week, or year are going to end up. Things pop up- some that delight us, some that knock the wind out of us. And as always, they are just another reminder of how short and precious life is.

Every time something spoils that I was looking forward to enjoying, or I saved something for a special occasion then never end up using it- I remind myself to not save things for good, but instead to enjoy them in the present. The companion of this sentiment is: don't someday your life away.

We always say were going to get around to things we never do. We wait for calm waters to venture out. We wait for the perfect mate, job, financial situation, etc. to do the thing we think might make us happy. But why? What exactly are we waiting for?

Timing is many things, some might even say everything... but in there it must be noted that if we keep waiting for someday we won't ever get to it. Someday must be today, this minute, this NOW.

And what does it take to seize our someday? Less then a minute of insane courage in most cases (giving myself a full minute just incase). Yes, I went to see We Bought A Zoo and I loved this line, but it was more finding out someone important to me got some scary medical news and the debate about the Mayan calendar predicating the end of times that has me focusing on 2012 as a great time to stop somedaying my life away. Who knows, there is no guarantee for any of us there'll be a 2013 ;)

Really folks, what are we waiting for? What if there is no more time to someday away? What if it is now or never? If it isn't important enough for now let's let it go and stop wasting energy on it. And if it is important to us, let us seize the day, sieze the 60 seconds, and live into our lives with everything we have. Seize Someday Today!

Wishing you the Best in 2012 and no more endless Somedays only many many more brave Todays!

I Wish You Happy Feet!

2011-12-23T15:07:00.000-06:00

This year has been a mixed bag of happiness with a few whammies thrown in. But this little guy and the lessons learned this year remind me that life is short and much richer when we spend our time, energy, and efforts getting happy.

Like Mumble, not all of our family, friends, co-workers, etc. are going to applaud our unique gifts. It is our job to not let ourselves be frosted over, and find somewhere... anywhere- even out alone on a glacier- to be able to express ourselves. And then create our own happy dance.

I beg of you: if you don't have something that makes you do a happy dance regularly, get your feet moving and find something. Life is too short, the winters are too cold, and the world is too wonderful not to find something to love!

Wishing you a fabulous Holiday Season and the Happiest of Feet in 2012!

Observe But Don't Absorb Other People's Messes

2011-12-12T20:47:00.000-06:00

Give Off Joy

I'm spending a great deal of my time of late studying, reading about, playing around with the concept of happiness. And one of the big topics that often comes up is how to deal with toxic people and situations in our lives. Let me start by telling you how I use to deal with things.... most of my life I have been a rather optimistic person, so it pained me to see others in distress so much so I would try and help (read: fix) the situation. The dangerous thing is that I was pretty clever and wise even at a young age so I would often be able to help people out which led to more people, more fixing/helping.

Why is this a bad thing? Well, because I had no detachment instincts- if people told me their problems or came to me with their messy lives I took it on as it was now my problem. How can I help this person? And I totally got off on helping and thinking how nice and wonderful it was of me- not to mention I loved the adoration I got from them after. But, it's a trap.

With maturity, heartache, and finally being drained by others, I wised up. What I finally got is that people's stuff is their stuff. They need to clean up their own mess. Do people need a helping hand? Sure. But we must be aware not everyone is salvageable or wants peace in their lives. There are people surrounding us who are pessimists that thrive on drama, they're taker, drainers, true narcissists... and they will never change- that's just who they are.

It is up to us who we let in our lives. I want to have people in my life who are inspiring, happy, healthy, loving, humorous, working on themselves, giving, etc. I want to absorb the lessons they have to teach me, the energy they emit, the love they give, the good company they provide.

For the others I use this bit of wisdom from my pal:

Observe, not absorb.
~Brandy Agerbeck

We can't get rid of all the toxic people in our life- they're everywhere: at work, in our family, in line with us at the movies. But we can decide we will observe what is going on with them without partaking in their negativity, drama, hostility, bad vibes. If need be just put on a magical suit of rubber and like we're taught in 1st grade let it bounce off of you and stick to them. It is no longer (really, never was) any of my business how people decide to live their lives, all I can do is try and be a good person, work on myself, clean up my own messes, and live at peace with my choices.

Now when someone comes to me with anything I see if they are open to a suggestion, appreciative of my time, willing to take on the bulk of the burden, and then I help when I can. But I get their issue is theirs to figure out and just because someone drops their mess of a life at your feet doesn't mean you need to pick any of it up. We decide what we absorb into our lives and so do others; I've chosen to absorb the good and observe the rest.

The Bigger The Fall, The Bigger The Bounce

2011-11-30T14:50:00.001-06:00

Every year I write The Thanksgiving List and call my closest friends and tell them specifically why I am thankful for them that year. After Thanksgiving I do another sort of list- one about me; what I'm thankful for about myself. This year it includes realizing how far I've come since the sucky summer of 2002. It really struck me when I was having dinner with one of my best friends the week before Thanksgiving and we got into a deep conversation about how our lives are so different then what we expected 10 years ago. It was a great evening, one where you are listening and laughing and inspired by the fact we're old and wise enough to have a real adult conversation.

When we were saying our goodnights she was giving me a compliment that she wouldn't have made it through her ugly divorce if I hadn't been so supportive and great with her. I took the compliment in but then found myself realizing I wouldn't have been able to impart such wisdom (all modesty aside) if I hadn't already gone through rough times in my own life. Only because I've had such a big fall do I know it's possible to bounce back even bigger and better.

When you believe in the power of the bounce you do not fear failure the same. I am in no way encouraging the Universe to send me more shitty times, but I know I wouldn't be the same person without living thru the ones that have crossed my path. When you lose the person you loved most in your life, at least you know you are capable of big love. When you leave the job you once let define you, you know you are more then what your business card says you are. When you face financial challenges, you know what is really valuable to you. When you see your path and know you are headed in the right direction, you have compassion for those who haven't found theirs yet.

The only way to lose in life is to never make a move and stay stuck. Because if you play and fall, no worries, lean into the bounce and keep your eyes open for an even better place to land.

Are You Living A BIG Enough Life?

2011-11-16T18:30:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder... do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?

I love this quote from You've Got Mail. If you weren't listening closely you might have even missed this gem; it is not a huge scene in the movie but boy is it a golden nugget. Do we live small lives because we like them or because we haven't been brave?

I know for myself I haven't been brave enough to live my biggest life. Deep down I know I need to be braver and bolder and more daring in almost every aspect of my life. The weather this time of year is a reminder of how nice it is to be cozy and tucked into our comfortable homes and lives. But is that the way we want to spend our life?

Ponder: Do we let ourselves be fully expressed? Do we say how we feel? Do we love with full abandon? Do we take the adventures we long for? Or the biggie: Do we live out our dreams?

My guess is that for most of us that would be a big fat NO. Well what are we waiting for? How dare we not live up to all our greatness?

I know when you have kids or a demanding job- or both- the time, money and energy factors are obvious convenient excuses. But really, what is a better example to our children, co-workers, family and friends then to be living a big bold life?!

Having lost people I loved when they were in their prime- or whenever I attend a wake/funeral- I often remind myself how lucky I am to be alive and there is no real obstacles in life just different paths to get us there. But I continually give up that inspiration for the comfort of complacency and smallness (yes, I get irony of my last post being about my height hugeness).

Well, I -and by this I mean you too- don't have time to waste. Life isn't guaranteed as it is, so we better get cracking. For starters I am going to commit to not saying no to anything just because I am afraid. I will take the fear on that lives only in my mind (this means no lion taming but any mental fear) and say fuck you fear!

Anyone with me? How big of a life do you want to take on? What can I do to support you? And this is not because I am nice, but because I might need your big brave shoulders down the line :)

Wishing you a big HUMONGOUS life, and one for me too!

Is Your Vibe More King Kong or Koala?

2011-11-05T14:16:00.002-05:00

King Kong Cuddly Koala

I am 5 11 1/2 and so not only am I taller than the vast majority of women but taller then most men too. The funny thing is when I am by myself I completely forget this fact. When you only have yourself to compare to you are the standard, you are the norm, you are what you say you are. So if you asked me how I picture myself, I would say I'm cute and cuddly like a koala bear. And even when I am with other people and realize my height I mostly still feel this is the vibe I give off.

Yet sometimes I forget how to others, and depending on situations, I can be more like King Kong. And if you don't know me not just my height but my personality, wit, and enthusiasm are often BIG. And I will admit if I am mad or feeling annoyed my anger and sarcasm can be just as big. Most of the time I love living in a world were I can be "looked up to" and heard... but in certain situations I know I intimidate some people. You'd think that our comments would be the same as if said by anyone else. Not so. Recently one of my good friends, who is a tiny power house, shared that even though she is a petite 5 2ish she can tell when her energy is giving off a bullying vibe. So it isn't just our height that gives off a dominating energy, there are several factors that mix including force of personality, our tone, how our body moves, etc.

When I was a kid I hated when my Mom bugged me about standing up straight. But as an adult I am so grateful she did because I think our posture and how we carry ourselves really makes a difference in how we feel and how others perceive us. Recently I was producing an interview conducted by author Tahl Raz with non-verbal behavior expert Joe Navarro and one of the things that really stuck out was him talking about how the energy we give off really speaks volumes more then anything we say. He used an example in customer service and the difference between when you can tell if someone greets you with real enthusiasm or is just blahly doing their job. Even without saying a word if someone faces you, gets up, walks briskly over, and then warmly greets you with a smile it makes a huge difference.

The eye contact, posture, tone of voice, pace we move... everything that our body signals to others is part of our communication. Just the other night on Oprah's Lifeclass she was talking about the same thing in a different context. She was recalling when Toni Morrison was sharing the important question: do your eyes light up when your child walks in the room? Our loves, our customers, our fellow human beings all react to the energy we bring to a space. People, especially children, notice if we notice them. What energy do you emit? Notice what you bring to the room first, and then what energy you leave people you encounter with. Are you engaged with them, bored, hyper, intimidating, flirty, hostile, relaxed, charming? If it's not what you thought it was, or intended- you have the power to change your energy.
Get going and give off some good vibes today :)

Faith In You

2011-10-28T16:22:00.000-05:00

God made me an atheist, or I don't know, at least an agnostic. Don't worry, this isn't a post about religion. It is about how sad I get when I see people put their faith in something other than themselves.

There was a study done by Martin Seligman where he conducted experiments on dogs (this is sad but very insightful*) by shocking them and no matter what they did they could not avoid it. When these same dogs were then put into another environment they still cowered in fear because even though there was nothing that was going to shock them they had been conditioned into learned helplessness. As part of my next book I have been observing the energy flow in myself and others and one of the things that is so clear is when people give their power away. Relying on a spouse, a job, a guru, or God instead of realizing it is them that holds the power. How many people were born, married, or walked into a bad situation then let themselves remain powerless when they had long been able to take control?

Does that mean we can control everything that happens in our life? Of course not. But we do have control over what attitude we bring to a situation, what energy we give off, what we tell ourselves about what is happening, and how long a bad situation is going to affect us.

Last Friday I was lucky enough to attend a taping of Oprah's Lifeclass at her Harpo Studios. It was a great night and I was very inspired by the conversation. Oprah was talking (not preaching) about how at one time she was waiting on God to bless her life, but now she now knows God was waiting for her to take control of her own life. Her point was we are each responsible for our own lives, which I totally agree with; to think some outside entity is ultimately controlling our lives seems silly and destructive to me.

People like to put their faith in God because it is easier to rationalize that then the world is made up of energy that starts with pure luck then mixes in a good dose of karma and randomness- and is often not understandable, and sometimes cruel. I do believe in a universal karmic energy that flows thru my life- returning much of the energy we put out in the world. But to me the key is it all starts with us; and waiting on something outside of us is not having faith, it is having lack of it. If we're going to have faith, let it be first in ourselves and then in others... and if we need God in our lives let it be to thank him for building strength into us not randomly showing up when we're begging for it.

Oprah often quotes the movie The Wizard Of Oz when Glinda shows up and says: you've always had the power. Well YOU do have the power and you don't need to wait for an Oz or a big O of any kind to use it, just have faith in You, I do!

*love this summary from Brian Johnson of Philosopher's Notes

You Are What You Love

2011-10-15T00:09:00.000-05:00

I remember nothing from the movie Adaptation but the clip above and the quote: you are what you love, not what loves you.

The thought on the surface seems desperate, slightly psycho, but something about it rang so true. When I first saw the movie it was on DVD and I watched that part over a few times just to let it sink in. It was one of the most freeing thoughts I'd heard in a long while. Kind of like the "he's just not that into you" line from Sex And The City that seemed so simple yet so hard to absorb.

In our society, especially as women, we are taught to be afraid of our feelings and make sure they are appropriate, measured, and by all means don't make anyone feel uncomfortable. Yet as anyone who has ever had their heart broken because of unrequited love knows there are few things in our youth- hell, as an adult- as painful.

This revelation happened to occur around the time I was heartbroken over someone I knew intellectually was a narcissist who wasn't any good for me, but somehow could not seem to get over. And then it hit me: the heart is the strongest most stubbornly independent part of us and it doesn't listen to the head (or the gut or even our naughty bits) and it's a waste of energy to resist its power. Instead of shame or sadness we have the choice to simply give in when loves strikes or lingers in us and know that we don't need to justify it, fix it, or act on it. We can live with the fact love for love's sake can't really hurt us if we let it be and stop resisting it. It's when we resist what's so that we really suffer... and suffer. When I just gave in and realized he is my non-fatal achilles heel and I will always have a soft-spot for him no matter how illogical it is, then the suffering stopped.

More recently I developed a total crush on someone I don't even know personally, and instead of resisting and judging how delusional it is, I'm having fun with it. Life is short so we might as well enjoy it; besides, what's the worst thing that could happen? Someone knows I have a crush on them? Even when I haven't wanted to be with someone who has felt that way about me I am at least flattered... and impressed with how exquisite of taste they have ☺

My hope is we let love flow thru us, because we are what we love and I know the world can use all the love and good energy we can emit.

Despicable (Disappointed) Me!

2011-10-11T18:07:00.001-05:00

I'm not afraid! Ok, maybe a little.

I was all proud of myself for making a big breakthrough in my book and my life a couple of weeks ago and was sharing it with my therapist who, as she annoyingly does, then pointed out something completely unrelated that apparently wasn't so clear to me. She made the statement that she thinks I'm afraid of people.

What?! I have no idea what you could mean... I am one of the most friendly, extroverted, outgoing, people-loving people I know.

Yes, but what I mean is that you don't trust them, or the universe to not disappoint you- so you only anti-up so much and never go all in. You don't trust that you'll find your ideal job without having to sacrifice your ethics or feeling like you have to do it all yourself. Or just because you have lost in love, you don't think there's someone out there who could be a match for you-- in a world of how many billions?

You don't have to believe in God to have faith in something; if you did you wouldn't feel the need to be so in control of everything. You're the worst kind of optimist, one who's subconsciously positive the world is going to disappoint you.*

Crap! I hate it when she's right. Ok, I'll admit it, the nasty little secret about me is that I don't trust people. I live disappointed in who people turn out to be. I love the vulnerability in people, but hate it when they're weak. I love the inspiration in people's stories, until I see the hypocrisy of them not living it every day. I'm more impressed with someone I have low expectations of that surprises me then someone who I think is great but find out is merely human.

As I'm driving home a slideshow of the disappointers in my life starts playing in my head and I am nauseous by the time I'm halfway home. As I talked about in the post The ME-ness of Meanness it is what we hide about our humanity that causes our suffering. So here is me admitting my nastiness. And even though I doubt I can completely cure myself of this issue, I don't want to be afraid of anything as essential to my life as people.

I have a friend, Justine, who always said: never expect anything from anyone and you won't be disappointed. She is such a sunny and warm person I was shocked at how negative and pessimistic that sounded. But now I see maybe having no expectations of life or others frees us up to put everything at stake just for the hell of it... because really what do we have to lose? Better to trust myself to handle the disappointment and anything that comes after the fact then not to have faith in people, love, and the universe.

*this may or maybe not be what she said, but this is what I heard

He Dented My Universe

2011-10-06T14:43:00.001-05:00

Stanford's 2005 Commencement Address

When I read of the death of Steve Jobs on Twitter yesterday almost ever tweet for the following hour was about him. Sure it was news, but it was the depth and breath of the impact and sadness that struck me and sent a chill up my spine and many tears to my eyes. He was not a saint, he left the impression he was probably a challenge to work for-- but I have never been witness to a more inspiring brand or corporate leader.

Every day for the last 6 years I have touched something Apple related- including what I am typing this very post on now; and my Mac and I almost became one when I was writing my first book and the same as I am writing my second.

So the technology, the design, the feel are all brilliant... but, the thing that has left one of the biggest impressions on me is his quote: Make a dent in the Universe. I love this thought that our lives are meant to leave an impression, and although most of us won't achieve the same fame and monetary fortune, we can all dent the Universe we occupy with our own lives.

He talks of death as the greatest tool/lesson we have to teach us of the importance and frailty of life, I couldn't agree more. We can't wait another day to make our dent, find our love, change the world. Let's learn from Steve and take a big bite out the apple of life... and get to denting today 

Want Peace? Let's Stop Shitting in the Pool

2011-09-11T14:28:00.000-05:00

mountain view pool water abstract

On this 10th anniversary remembrance of 9/11 I am stuck for what to do... my friend Leslie lost her sister Katie in the twin towers. And although I never knew Katie, I now know her whole family and I know how much they dread all the drama around the date- they'd rather remember how she lived not how she died. Even when Bin Laden was killed I knew it would bring mixed feelings for them. Relief on one hand but no reason to celebrate at the same time. Leslie is a doctor and brings life in to the world as a ob-gyn, she would never celebrate the death of another human.

So how to honor those who we've lost, and those who have been lost since fighting wars in the name of justice, and all the rest who serve as our everyday heros? Well I believe the way to do that is to take an inventory of what energy we are putting into the world. The world's surface is made up of 70% water and it is truly like one big pool that we all swim in together. Why should we care about someone half way around the world with AIDS; why should we worry about inner city kids getting a good education when we live in the suburbs and our kids are getting a great one; why should pollution in China matter in Chattanooga?

Because our shit- and by this I mean everything from our pollution, to financial corruption, to racism, to negativity, to violence- all eventually floats over to other parts of the world and pollutes the pool of humanity. Those kids we don't educate because they live on the other side of the tracks- wouldn't education by better investment then incarceration later? That "other" religion we think is so full of violence and hatred, can you say yours hasn't done the same throughout history?

We can all honor not only the ones we lost on 9/11 but the children that live on in their parents absence and all children in the generations to come by getting our shit together and handling it responsibly. Violence in our home- get help. Discrimination at our workplace- take a stand. Hypocrisy in our place of worship- stop supporting it. And whatever you and I need to clean up in our own lives- lets make that our contribution to peace in the world.

It is not Pollyanna-ish to say we can have peace in the world it just takes a lot of work. What if after 9/11 we would have gotten religious leaders all together to speak out on violence against any people, instead of which religion is better and more righteous then the other. What if we would have taken even a small chunk of the money we spend on defense spending (including billions on fighter planes we've never used) and invested in education and technology to come up with not only alternative fuel solutions but drugs and agricultural solutions for struggling parts of the world. If the huge changes in the Middle East during the recent Arab Spring proved nothing it is that technology and transparency overthrows dictatorial and corrupt governments faster, more efficiently, and cheaper then any military action ever could.

Shit floats and also infiltrates all aspects of our lives, we need to responsibly handle our messes as individuals, as countries, and as simply citizens of the world.

Peace to All.

[in memory of a truly loving soul Katie McCloskey]

The ME-ness of MEANNESS

2011-08-26T17:30:00.011-05:00

All A Reflection of ME!

The Human Condition is so that we all are born with a propensity towards MEANESS in us. Can’t help it, everyone has meanness in them- everyone! As sure as everyone shits, everyone shits on others… including you. (do you hear how mean you are being right now judging the word choice I just used ☺).

Our shame, fears, righteousness comes from the fact we don’t want to acknowledge the me-ness in our meanness. We want to pretend we are all delightful and nice and if we are even the slightest bit mean it is occasionally, and for a good reason, and a milder form of meanness; not like her… she is horrible! I am only a little judgmental of her, which is not nearly as bad as what she did.

But what if we did the opposite and got into the dirt and dirtiness of our meanness and owed it? We are a certain height, weight, with a certain haircut in a particular moment of time why can’t the meanness we are also be a description of who we were at that time. Instead of hiding from our humanity like it’s not there, if we own it we can transform it.

The stories we tell about ourselves and our lives make up who we think we are, so who wants to make it a horror story? Instead we tend to gloss over what we brought to the situation and make someone else to be the bad guy (or natural disaster) vs seeing how we contribute to the narrative.

People (and things) are what they are, what we say about them is a different story- or to be more precise: our life story. A 16 year old pregnant in the US is shameful, a pregnant 16 year old in another part of the world or at a different time in our history is perfectly acceptable. It’s the judgment we bring to the situation that dictates what’s right and wrong. Killing a child= evil; taking out Osama Bin Laden= awesome! Taking of a human life is the same in both it’s just the story and circumstances that allow us to make different judgments.

So getting back to our meanness… I know when I fully own that I was being petty, righteous, judgmental in an apology to someone it makes all the difference. Just saying I am sorry or trying to justify anything is just more story and more avoidance of me knowing my nastiness & owning my meanness. And here is the really ironic and funny thing, the more in touch with the nasty side of us the better. Say for example, I am clear that I am only 10% to blame for a fight I had with my sister. I mean I can pile up all the evidence you want to see to show that she was 90% at fault. Can you hear I am being extra judgmental of her, and super-duper righteous? Which is going to clear the space for a real authentic relationship: my justifications or ... my ownership of my own part of the issue minus the condescending calculations of my portion of blame?

Your own nasty defensiveness might be asking: but what about what they did? Their meanness is on their side of the equation and for them to figure out- their nastiness is none of my righteous business. If I am any part of the equation I am 100% responsible for my meanness and mine alone--and this goes for you too.

And although it is hard to comprehend the power on the other side- and it is extremely uncomfortable to do until you feel the pop of freedom- I promise you, owning your meanness is truly the way to live a joyful meaningful life.

[inspired by: Vickie Austin & Kathy Bosco]

The OPRAH Effect

2011-05-01T01:36:00.008-05:00

There are less than 20 shows left until Oprah concludes her program and I wanted to share my biggest AHA Moment. This is the letter I sent in to her (with above pic):

Dear Oprah,

The show that stays with and haunts me is Erin Kramp discussing her dying wishes for her daughter.

But the biggest epiphany AHA Moment was on January 27, 2005. You were doing a show called Wildest Dreams and one of your guests wildest dreams was to meet you and another womans wildest dream was to get a house- you granted both wishes. The woman with the dream to meet you was slightly disappointed when she saw the other woman get a house. She said something like: I didn't know I could wish for something like a house- and your responses was something like: Well, it's your wildest dream so dream bigger next time. Now the spooky thing was just the day before I had been reading Jack Canfield's book The Success Principles and a cartoon on p30 had stuck out to me and it was this exact lesson:

WILDEST DREAMS! Even the same wording, so weird. This lesson hit me hard, and when only a month later I had a great idea I used both the cartoon-Oprah-Wildest Dreams-coincidence and Erin Kramp to get the nerve to write my first book. I had a book deal with HarperCollins for My Last Wishes... A Journal of Life, Love, Laughs & A Few Final Notes within 6 months.

The greatest lesson you have shared with us is that anything is possible. Dream BIG and Wild! Living into our wildest dreams isn't easy (which is why we needed all the rest of the shows, OWN, O magazine, Soul Series, etc) but this one lesson alone makes your 25 years on the air worth everything you and your staff have put into it.

Thank you for the greatest gift I have ever received.

Love,
Joy

PS. Since I practice it because of you, My Wildest Dream is to attend the TED Conference and then share the brilliance with your viewers and readers (... and a house ☺).

So chances are Oprah will never read this story, but in thinking about how important this lesson is and my concern that others might not get the chance to have a similar epiphany, I came up with what I think is a fitting tribute to both....

Wildest Dream Club

Not that book clubs aren't also a great way to expand your life, but what is more important and a better use of time than to be working on our dreams (and helping along those of our friends)! My idea is to bag the book and dig your dreams out of the "someday" realm and get to manifesting them today. Sure nothing wrong with a vision board or some prayers but dreams have a better chance of coming true when they are spoken out loud and when we spend even 15 minutes a week working on one contribution to them. Maybe your dream is to be the next Oprah, that might be unlikely but start heading in that direction and maybe you'll host an event to motivate women in need. You'd like to be an actress on Broadway... would you be disappointed to star in your local theatre (closer than you probably are today)?!

What I learned is that we don't know where our dreams will take us, but if we don't dream or don't share them- the chances of them coming true are very slight. Plus what could be more of an amazing bonding experience then to help your friends get a tad closer to living their dreams. To quote my friend Stacey Edgar (read about her in post below): Start Small, Dream Big, Change Lives --and nothing wrong or selfish about beginning with yours!

I will tell you my life has been much more fulfilling since I started dreaming Big, Wild, Joyous Dreams!

Currently dreaming about:

~~Attending Oprah's Finale.~~ (didn't make it, on to next adventure)
Having financial freedom with no debt and $1M in the bank.
Attending the TED Conference.
Living in condo with view of lake and city.
~~Dating Louis C.K.~~ Working on project with Louis C.K.

What are your dreams? What are you doing to get the world to conspire to help them come true?

My Global Girlfriend

2011-04-12T00:39:00.005-05:00

You know how you have a friend who is so amazing you can't believe you know her? This is one of mine:

Eight years ago, Stacey Edgar had a $2,000 tax return and a deep desire to help provide economic security for women in need. She knew that of the 1.3 billion people living on less than $1 per day, seventy percent are women. What she didn’t have was a business plan. Or a passport. But that didn’t stop her from creating a socially conscious business that has helped poor women in five continents feed their families and send their children to school.

She was a "normal" person who saw that she could contribute something in the world to help others. So she started Global Girlfriend to find a way to support women in poverty. But it is not just her business that is remarkable, it is the story about how one lone person can make a huge difference to many.

If you never buy an item from GG or if you can't be bothered by reading a fabulous book... at least take her message:

Global Girlfriends motto is start small, dream big, change lives; and my story is one of an average person taking a leap of faith to change her own life and the lives of women in poverty around the world.

Stacey might not be your friend, although if you knew her you would want her to be, but she is the kind of person you wish would be there to give you a voice and some hope if you were in need. My Global Girlfriend, Stacey, is doing it everyday... so take her message, buy her book, and let's all thank the universe for people like her.

Flow, Grow, & Glow

2011-01-03T23:24:00.006-06:00

hendriko

This year my theme is: Flow, Grow, & Glow. Each year I do a visioning exercise based on my Me Mapping technique and it sets the tone for the year ahead. Resolutions can be helpful, but a theme really creates a path and can guide you whether you choose resolutions to follow or not.

Flow because I learned if I resist change I suffer. Flow or chafe has been a motto for a while and it is so true; what we resist tears at us. Grow because it is the essence of learning and expanding who we are (with the one exception of waistline-- that I am growing healthier habits and reducing).

And finally Glow which really speaks to my overall life mission and main motto:

I'm SOLAR! My life purpose is to absorb as much knowledge, wisdom, and inspiration as possible and hopefully light myself up enough to have others be touched by that energy.

Long ago I realized that I have a big personality; so if I am not conscious of the energy I bring to a room, conversation, or project, I can affect the atmosphere pretty quickly. I figure if I flow with what life has in store for me, and grow and learn everyday, the GLOW I give off will not only warm my heart, but will touch those around me with a positive light.
What better way to spend a year?!

Cheers to YOU and your year ahead!

The ThanksGiving List

2010-11-22T00:26:00.002-06:00

THANKSGIVING 2010

Ann: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheryl: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chuck: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colleen: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.....

Over a decade ago I started my favorite tradition ever: The ThanksGiving List. It is a list of my closest friends and why I am thankful for them that year. It's specific and heartfelt and I work on it the weekend before Thanksgiving (or earlier) and it is the best thing I do all year.

On the morning of Thanksgiving I wake up early, make two Pepperidge Farm cherry turnovers, and begin my calls around 9ish. I have until noon until I need to start getting ready to go to my family's dinner. After years of cultivating what I now think of as an art form, I can get most all of the calls in within this time frame.

Working off my notes I take a moment to get present with my gratitude and then I call my friend Ann (the list is alphabetical) and begin the thanking. It is designed to be a quick call, there are no pleasantries or small talk, it starts: Are you ready? Ok, Ann this is why I am thankful for you this year....

I rarely allow them to thank me back (that is not the point of the call, then it would be me just fishing for compliments). It is all about the giving, the thanking.

This is such a big deal with my friends that they often pick up the phone on the first ring, and have been known to start calling early in the month to make sure they are still on the list. It is not a given. If I have not been in touch with someone all year and I am not feeling it, they are off the list.

Pure gratitude and thankfulness is rare and this ritual has made Thanksgiving by-far my favorite holiday of the year. It makes me feel so blessed to make these calls and I know from the silence, the laughter, and sometimes the tears, how much it means to those receiving them.

Do yourself a favor and make a list, and if not on Thanksgiving pick one day a year to call up and thank the people that make your life so wonderful. I promise... you'll be thanking me for it!

_________________________________________________

UPDATE for 2011: I've begun some thank you tweets & emails to people I appreciate at work and in the social space I play in. These are quick little thank you's but keep in mind there is no bad time or way to thank someone. Get Thanking Today!

The Sanity Defense

2010-11-05T18:33:00.008-05:00

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

Jon Stewart - Moment of Sincerity

www.comedycentral.com

Rally to Restore Sainty and/or Fear

The Daily Show

The Colbert Report

Jon Stewart's Rally To Restore Sanity last weekend was crazy! The music was great, the signs hysterical, the skits were decent enough... but the moment that really hit me was his Moment of Sincerity at the end. He spoke of how if we amplify everything, we hear nothing. How we might all hold different values but we can still live day to day with each other (because we already do). How is it that we are more civilized merging into traffic going through a tunnel then dealing with health care or our children's education? You go, then I'll go sounds pretty great to me; I'll even let you go first.

I love Jon when he is on The Daily Show but I LOVE him when he is talking seriously about how pundits and cable news are a joke and hurting America. Politics has always been a messy business but when networks are dedicated to making it messier and profiting off the fear they stir up in people, it is beyond messy and just downright shitty!

When I voted this week I cast my votes, per usual, for mostly Ds but a R or two that I thought were doing a good job. And what I was most disappointed in was how politicians are already beginning 2012 positioning instead of saying: I better get to work and help these citizens that just elected/reelected me.

There are crazy people in the world (I believe Glenn Beck is one cry away from completely losing it) but what is insane to me are the people who watch him and get all filled with hate (this goes for people of the left as well) instead of saying: Ok, I believe that is a problem let's see what we can agree on as a workable solution.

NRA members you want everyone armed; how about no assault weapons in cities and outlawing armor piercing bullets? Religious institutions you want tax free status; how about financial transparency and turning in your pedophiles? School unions you want more support and higher pay; how about not backing teachers that suck and actually earning tenure? There are few times when a society as large as ours is ever going to get more than 60% of its citizens to agree completely... but safe streets and safe, healthy, and educated kids seems like a good place to start.

I am all for outrage and strong debate but eventually we need to sit down and compromise to get things done. If that's not something people can agree upon I say we put them on the crazy-train out of town and work with the sane amongst us, no matter who they pulled the lever for.

Men Need Friends: Who's Your Sundance?

2010-10-08T14:54:00.016-05:00

Twice this week I cried over deep friendships... not mine, but those of some men I don't even know. It started when I was watching Paul Newman and Robert Redford's episode of Iconoclasts. Hearing them talk about their deep bond and how because they could lean on each other they could get beyond Hollywood egos and life's other issues and create a gift (Newman's Own, Sundance) to share with the world.

Then I got choked up listening to an interview (last 5 minutes of part 2) between Marc Maron and Louis CK talking about how they used to be best friends until jealousy tore them apart. Here are just a few snippets from Louie trying to explain how he felt:

When you know someone for a long time it’s a valuable thing… we were best friends for a long time… there are times when it’s hard to be your friend’s friend…

... it takes a good friend to stay with you in hard times, it takes a good friend to stay with you in good times… everyone needs support, everybody does… You’re being a shitty friend by being jealous.

I could have used you, I got divorced, I got a show canceled, I had some tough times I could of used a friend. Those times that were making you jealous, I was struggling, I was having a hard time.

Here is something I don't think most men talk about: their need to have a close male friend. And I'm not talking a beer or golf buddy, I'm talking someone who you can talk to about anything. I was not familiar with Marc Maron and have only recently started to really love Louis CK, yet I was still unbelievably moved by how they both needed each other but were too stubborn/ jealous/ insecure to really reach out. (Warning: Louie is not everyone's bag of tea. My sister could not even listen to a full minute of him because of his language- salty. But his everything's amazing and nobody's happy bit on Conan is safe for all.) The thing I've noticed with my male friends is that they have a hard time with deep communications in general and especially if they are feeling lost or struggling.

Recently one of my oldest pals called me to apologize for how crappy of a friend he had been. He was going through something and realized he had no one to talk to about it. When he went to call me he said it hit him how he had spent the last decade focused solely on his work and totally not thinking of other people outside his immediate family. I have no real friends- who would even say anything at my funeral?

A little dramatic, but probably kind of true. This is especially true once guys get out of their 20's and start to have families and focus heavily on their careers. Unlike most women, men can often rely exclusively on their spouse for the only intimate relationship in their lives. But if there is something off in that relationship or if they feel like they aren't succeeding there, they can feel alone in the world. One of my close girlfriends is going through a divorce and her ex is being a total ass. Still I found myself trying to explain his actions because I knew he was doing stupid stuff because he had no one else to lash out at and no one to talk things through with.

Louie also mentioned something that I think men don't talk about either; he said he was in therapy and he wasn't getting where he wanted it to go, so he point-blank asked the guy: what is my problem? The therapist said his over-eating and masterbation all stemmed from anxiety and those habits were what he used to cope with it. How many men drink/drug, gamble, abuse porn, sleep around, leave their families, all because they don't know how to handle their anxieties? A lot!

I have known men who have cheated on their wives/girlfriends and the reason: to connect with someone. Sure there is the bonus of sex, but mostly that too is tied to a release from feeling stressed, confused, unimportant, like a failure, etc. Executives, celebrities, athletes, average Joes, all need to have someone who can listen and relate to them. Like Louie said: I had some tough times, I could of used a friend.

So Guys don't wait till you are in a bad way, reach out and make a friend, be a friend, repair a friendship... because everyone needs support, everybody does.

Perspective in a Picture

2010-09-23T18:22:00.007-05:00

Pakistani children who survived heavy flooding lie covered with flies- roadside in
Nowshera Pakistan on Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2010 (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)

This photo haunts me. Actually many of these photos haunt me, but mostly this one because I can't imagine having to endure your kids being covered in flies with nothing to feed them and little more that you can do.

Part of the inspiration behind my last post (The HOPE Index) was the floods in Pakistan and the silliness of all the non-stop news about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Glenn Beck, etc. and how ridiculous we have become as consumers of "news"/info. I am as guilty as the next person of keeping up with the latest Hollywood/Washington buzz, but when I catch myself complaining about something or listening to my friends bemoan some relatively trivial inconvenience, I want to shout: ARE YOU KIDDING... ARE YOU HOMELESS, HUNGRY, AND COVERED IN FLIES? THEN SHUT UP!!!

I get we all need a release and it isn't healthy to be constantly focused on all that ails the world, but I do think a dose of real perspective might help: Me, You, and for goodness sake those twits that have nothing better to do than drugs, fear mongering, paparazzi posing, and porn.

Here's hoping you are having a wonderful day, and if not, I wish that your troubles fly by and don't land too long.

HOPE Index

2010-08-31T23:42:00.019-05:00

George Clooney's speech at the Emmys was striking. He won the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award and gave a short speech calling for celebrities to use their fame to do good in the world. In his last few lines here is what hit me:

When a disaster happens, everybody wants to help, everybody in this room wants to help, everybody at home wants to help. The hard part is seven months late, five years later, when we're on to a new story. Honestly, we fail at that most of the time. That's the facts.

I fail at that.

So here's hoping that some very bright person right here in the room or at home watching can help find a way to keep the spotlight burning on these heartbreaking situations that continue to be heartbreaking long after the cameras go away. That would be an impressive accomplishment. Thank you.

Of course I was extremely inspired and also thought I am a bright person... let's see what I can come up with. Here is my suggestion. I'm dedicating my idea to the original inspiration and George's speech and calling it:

The HOPE Index

Idea: Highlight the top 10 humanitarian needs in a simple one page document (cheat sheet, if you will) that can be easily distributed to politicians, philanthropists, celebrities, educators, clergy, reporters, etc.

Why: Sure everyone wants to help when something horrible is going on in the world, but as the Pakistani floods just demonstrated, we have no real understanding of the proportion of need and urgency in the world. If there is an America's Most Wanted, why isn't there a World's Most Needed?

Who: There are already experts (ie. Jeffrey Sachs, Samantha Power, Nicholas Kristof...) who know where the greatest need is, so how about some of the most well respected organizations (Acumen Fund, Virgin United, Clinton Foundation, Gates Foundation, One Campaign, The Sapling Foundation, The Red Cross...) creating a monthly, or as needed, joint press release highlighting the world's most current crises.

A simple sheet that breaks down the information into an easy format will allow journalists, teachers, politicians, etc. to snack on the info. When information is too overwhelming nothing gets digested or done.

My suggestion for a person to lead this idea is Jacqueline Novogratz. She has the business brilliance and connections (not to mention the perfect partner in Chris Anderson) to assemble the right people. What's in it for her? It would draw even more attention to the amazing work she and her organization, the Acumen Fund, are doing and give her an even bigger megaphone to help the world.

Here >> H.I. << are a few more thoughts on logistics and distribution of the HOPE Index. And below is a quick example of the summary I am talking about:

Again, this is not the start of a new charity or organization it is the spotlight that George Clooney called for in his speech. It is taking what people are unaware of, already working on, or concerned about and providing a simple bite-sized way to communicate the information. Instead of the worst dressed lists, best seller list, America's Most Wanted, or weekly movie box-office stats, lets compile and digest some real information and bring attention to how HOPE can HELP.

Inspire It Forward!

2010-05-30T12:40:00.007-05:00

I was living my life purpose this week, which is to be Solar: light myself up with enough knowledge and inspiration to hopefully touch others with my energy. It took me a long time to realize I can only change myself and not others and the same goes with inspiration.

We can't inspire others, we can only absorb inspiration and inspire ourselves and sometimes that rubs off and inspires others. Four people told me something I did inspired them this week. One story I can share is the loop of inspiration with Keith Ferrazzi. Keith is the author of Never Eat Alone & Who Got You Back, both books that have inspired me. I have been author-stalking Keith for a while now and the other day he sent out a tweet about one of his followers who wrote an article about letting everyone you know know that you are in job search. So I decided to follow his advice and let him know about my Joyful Job Bounty. To my delight he retweeted my info and added "How clever!"

Well clever is as clever does, so after he kept promoting his upcoming Relationship Mastery Academy program I asked if he would take me on as a member on scholarship and if his techniques worked I would gladly repay him (plus match a donation to his favorite charity). He loved the idea of a scholarship program for those in job search and offered a 50% scholarship (need some skin in the game) to me and 9 others (apply if you'd be interested).

Here is the thing: he inspired me > I inspired him > he is inspiring me again (along with others who are inspired by the tweets and scholarships offered).

Lesson learned: don't focus on inspiring others. Focus on inspiring yourself and living fully self-expressed in that inspiration, and you will inspire others by example. Nothing pays-it-forward more than lighting ourselves up and in doing so we... Inspire It Forward!

06/02/10 UPDATE: And the inspiration continues to flow... see Keith's mention of me in his blog > http://su.pr/1Vq66w
02/01/2011 UPDATE: I am now working for Keith! I am the Community Manager for his Business Relationship Masters Academy... life is weird and wonderful J

Live The JOY

2010-05-01T14:28:00.010-05:00

Two weeks ago I am talking to my agent about my new book, and she starts to tell me what needs to be changed, added, flushed out... ugh! It's not that I don't value her opinion (she's brilliant) but I thought I was finished with it and I wanted to move on to the next step. SMACK! That is what I want to do in my whole life. Learn something, move on. Finish a project, what's next?

I hate the concept of everything being a "process". I like to finish things, celebrate the win and then move to next thing. I think I got that from grade school where you finish a grade get your report card, play for the summer and then with new school supplies in hand start the next one. Clearly I am not good in limbo.

After these notes from her I realized I was not being very joyful, as a matter of fact I was a bit of a brat. And that's when it hit me... how can I write a book about Finding Joy when I am not living it every day. Sure the inspiration of the book is the transformation I underwent when I was in the worst time of my life and how I got my life out of that ditch. But I am not truly living my message fully if I really think about it. I found the formula for Joy, but I haven't been practicing the hard grit work of living in Joy.

So, I am going to practice what I preach. I am going to be Finding Joy in my life, and I would like you to come along. The basis of my Me Mapping technique that the book is based on is to diagram out your life and to pick something to declutter in your life, something to engage with or enhance and something to be grateful for. I use the Circle of Joy graphic above to illustrate how momentum can build in our lives when we continuously:
-   declutter
+ engage
☺   appreciate

This being May 1st what a great time to start living the life I am committed to. Here is some of what I will be working on in the next month: I will be
- decluttering my office of all unnecessary paperwork
+    engaging with my physical fitness in the form of exercising/body work daily
☺ personally thanking someone for their contribution in my life weekly

What would you like to transform in your life? Pick 3 things to work on and let me know how it is going for you. Where and how are you Finding Your Joy?

JOYFUL JOB BOUNTY... Who's Got My Back?!

2010-03-26T23:51:00.003-05:00

As of April 1st I will be available for my next adventure, so I was contemplating the smartest and most efficient way to find a new gig. Sure, I have some ideas and strategies up my sleeve (honestly a few things I've already tried that haven't bloomed yet) but it occurred to me I don't know everyone I need to know to land one of my ideal jobs today. And frankly it is too tough out there and I am too impatient to not give my destiny a big push.

Then it hit me, I have an amazing agent that landed me my fabulous first book deal, why not enlist an agent to find me a great gig? Better yet, why not enroll the people who know me and already think I'm brilliant and create an army of agents out there all touting me at once?

Keith Ferrazzi is a business thought leader and author and his big idea is that no one can get to their greatness alone. We all need to ask for and provide help to each other if we want to truly succeed in life. And he is right. Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help because I like to think of myself as the helper. But when I turn it around, I am actually helping people help me! Yah that's the ticket, I can still be a helper and give the gift of letting others know how valuable and amazing they are. It's a win-win!

And that is how the JOYFUL JOB BOUNTY was hatched. I came up with the idea of letting others help me find a company/ client/ project that could use my help and in return I'll reward them with a lucrative 10% bounty. Actually that makes this a win-win-win!

My end goal is to find a gig that is a fit for me, and spread the karma by sharing my good fortune with those who helped me land the opportunity. If you would like to play, I would love to have you on my team. Check out www.joysjob.com for details.

I'd Like To Thank... And You?

2010-03-12T12:54:00.006-06:00

For the last couple of years the Academy Awards has had a segment where prior to the award being given the Best Actor and Actress are acknowledged by a tribute from one of their peers. This is one of my favorite parts of the show. Only one out of those five nominees is going to win the Oscar but to get a gushing minute tribute in front of the world- well, that's a pretty nice consolation prize.

This leads me to my Oscar Challenge: write your speech and find a way to give it. As an author I got to write an acknowledgment page in the back of my book and for my next book I'll get to do it again. But, there is no reason everyone can't do one. Why should you "waste" your time? First, it is fun and heart warming to think about who means enough in your life to be thanked. Second, what is a greater gift to give than to acknowledge people that make your life what it is?

Give it at the next family dinner, when you are out for burgers with your friends, your next business conference, write a blog about it, or a LinkedIn recommendation for someone. Or go one step further and put it out in the Universe that you will win an award some day and use it as motivation to propel yourself into that situation (maybe it isn't an Oscar, but in some field that you are extraordinary in). Golly even just write it out and send in a letter. If you struggle to write it, maybe you need to take that as hint that it's time to attract more thank-worthy people into your life or simply stop being so stingy with your praise.

Either way, thank someone whether it is heard by millions or just them- it truly is golden.

The Joy of LOVE

2010-02-14T12:29:00.010-06:00

There are a few choices to pick from when you're single on Valentine's Day:

Bitter Cynic: sometimes momentarily satisfying but not at all very attractive.
Valentines Denier: ignoring it which is hard to do when it's V-Day for a whole weekend.
Love Optimist: remember the V-Days you were in love hopeful that you will find love again soon.
Lover of Love: powerful creative and embracer of love in all forms who makes love happen.

I choose the latter. Even though it is rather sickening to be bombarded with all the gushing and goo of those excited because they are in love (especially true of the newly in-love), there is power in working your love muscle (not that one, focus people).

I believe in the energy flow of our thoughts and mental engagement. If we turn our hearts and minds away from love and the celebration of it, we are blocking good energy that might be on its way to us. Afterall, the more loving and powerful you are the more attractive you appear to others. Who wants to date a cynic (ok, other cynics, but that is not who we want to end up with)?!

My strategy for counteracting love resistance is to embrace and be grateful for the love already in my life. Self love, family love, friend love, and for goodness sake the love of HUMANITY!

I went out last night with a single friend who is dealing with a sick mother and we went and saw the chick flick Valentine's Day (which was better than I thought it would be). In the past I have babysat for my BFF so she and her husband could go on a date (the first time out of house without formal plans in a year). We all have love to give and if we focus on where it can benefit others we don't actually give it away, we multiply it.

So, I say don't be cynical (your turn will come); don't be in denial (it keeps you from gifting others you love)... instead be an optimist, be a giver, be lovely by multiplying the love you have.

Wishing everyone lots of LOVE♥

And just in time, if you are looking for love, my pal Amy Spencer's new book Meeting Your Half-Orange is out this week.

Greatness or Fear... Choose!

2010-01-27T18:43:00.005-06:00

"Every day I meet people who have so much to give but have been bullied enough or frightened enough to hold it back. It's time to stop complying with the system and draw your own map. You have brilliance in you, your contribution is essential, and the art you create is precious. Only you can do it, and you must."

~ Seth Godin; Linchpin: Are You Indispensable?

Seth Godin released his latest book yesterday and although I will go out and get it soon, I had to write about the above quote from the book now. It strikes me as summing up exactly what is draining people of their greatness: fear. The last two weeks I have been commuting downtown for a gig and what strikes me as I ride the train is how beaten down people look. I live in a nice suburb, so it is not like these folks are probably not off to good jobs and that they don't have lovely homes, etc. It's just that they look lifeless and exhausted (even on the way home).

It's sad when people give up on finding their greatness and living their lives as works of art, so they just settle on muddling through. Don't get me wrong in every life there are times when we all need to just coast, but that people stop looking or give up the hunt is a tragedy.

Brings me back to two of my biggest life lessons:

1) Life is short... love well! Learned this from losing ones I loved and wondering--what am I waiting for? We only have so much time and we never know how long that will be so... giddy up! This is in regards to all aspects of life but especially when it comes to love. Romantic love, love of ourselves, love for our life's work, EVERYTHING!

2) Map It Out! When I was in a discombobulated time in my life I created Me Mapping to map out my life and actually see what I was spending my energy, time, money, attention, etc. on. Looking at my life on paper made some things very clear. It is not like then everything magically fell into place but now I am closer to decluttering what is not working, engaging with the important things in my life, and finding myself more grateful for what is already working.

I couldn't agree with Seth more. It's time we all draw our own map, sidestep the fear, claim our brilliance, create our art, and truly get our GREATNESS. Quotes like this one is why I am in his Tribe.

*this is inside cover of Seth's last book Tribes and you can't tell but in the top left corner is a photo of me :)

Decluttering & Abundance

2010-01-09T15:17:00.006-06:00

As big a fan as I am of decluttering, I am also neglectful of keeping up with it. Case in point: I was cleaning out my closet yesterday and decided instead of just straightening it I would remove all my shoe boxes and donate or throw out anything I don't wear anymore. Well, two lessons popped up:

1) I apparently thought I needed to keep every shoebox from every purchase I have ever made. Even though I have a very organized back of the closet shoe rack I must have thought I would need the original boxes someday. Um...why? As great of dust collectors as they are, they served no current purpose so out they went. (I still keep my fancy shoes in boxes but they are now neatly stacked and organized by color). Lesson: what are we holding onto that serves no purpose in our lives- fewer useless boxes open up tons of space in my closet (for more shoes- kidding☺).

2) On my shelves with the shoeboxes was a box filled with pantyhose that I totally forgot I had. Having left corporate America a few years back I had stored my surplus hose in this box and only kept a few pairs in my drawers for when needed. The irony is that I am going to be back in suits soon and so this stash appeared at the perfect time- saving me lots of money too. Lesson: what useful things are we not able to access because we forget we even have them? I had an abundance of hose that I found once I decluttered the useless shoeboxes.

Bottom line... getting rid of the things I don't need not only allows me to appreciate my space more fully, it also reminds me of the abundance of useful things I already own. On to my office tomorrow- can't wait to see what treasures I tucked away there.

Virtual Surprise Party

2010-01-04T16:54:00.005-06:00

Amy's B-Day wish to our agent & friend Laurie!

I am a creative soul, but I think even I have outdone myself with this one. It all started when my agent and friend Laurie was approaching her 40th birthday and a few of us who adore her wanted to do something special. Problem was that we are all scattered throughout the country, it was the holiday season, for many of us money is tight... so how could we make her day special and overcome these obstacles?

And then it hit me... what do people really want for their birthdays (this actually applies for any occasion)? They want heart felt acknowledgment and warm fuzzies from those they love. So I came up with the idea of throwing her a Virtual Surprise Party. The idea is guests upload a video message (a gift if you will) to the birthday girl and on her special day she finds her party and it is all a delightful SURPRISE.
Here's how to throw one:

Open a YouTube account for the occasion. Signing up for an account is free and takes a mere minute. You can personalize the page if you'd like or customize it in any way that strikes you.
Guest list: come up with list of people you want to invite to the party.
Invite: send a note to guests with the idea spelled out and the user name and password they'll need to sign into the YouTube account you created. (fyi: watch out for case sensitivity with sign on.)
Birthday Wishes: guests upload their videos on their own but make sure you or someone with experience can walk them through any issues.
Timeframe: make sure to set a deadline for uploading at least a day before you want to launch the surprise.

The Surprise: once the videos are uploaded its time for the exciting unveil. For our group we all started sending Laurie tweets (on Twitter) with a link to the site at a designated time on her birthday. She followed one of the links that took her to her YouTube channel and ... SURPRISE!

Talk about being surprised- she was. And the beauty of this event is that it was personal, fun, free, and something she can watch, share, and talk about for days (even months) to come.

I only wish I had come up with this idea before two ill friends passed away last year- it would have been nice to have a lovefest party for people that are too sick to have visitors.

The Virtual Surprise Party- you should throw one yourself. It was at least as much fun to have one as to recieve it. Let me know if you host one yourself, and if you'd like to check out Laurie's CLICK HERE
CHEERS :)

Me Mapping into 2010

2010-01-01T23:45:00.005-06:00

2☼!☺

I have spent the last several years doing the same thing on New Year's Day: completing the prior year and creating what I would like to bring into the next. I created a tool in 2002 I call Me Mapping that allows me to map out my life and serves as a visual inventory of where I am. My theory is that we never really know what our lives are about until we take a good look at them (preferably on paper).
It was Socrates that said:

The unexamined life is not worth living.

A little dramatic I'll grant you, but taking a look at our lives up-close and on paper really brings new insight into how we are spending our time, what is important (and what's not), and how much we have to be grateful for.
     The neat thing about having made this a yearly ritual is when I bring out last years map and see where I have come- noting the progress and the achievements I've made in the past year. I write and draw all over the map so I can see what I have actual worked on and by the time I'm finished it's my own little piece of Joy Art.
     After I have documented everything of interest in the previous year, I declare that year "complete" and move on to sketching out what I would like to bring into the new year. I get giddy letting my mind wonder and dream of the people, places, opportunities, and adventures I want to attract in the year ahead. Do I always achieve all that I put on the paper, no... but I achieve more than I ever thought I could. And as fast as the years go by, it's meaningful that I now have a collection of maps showing what I have accomplished.
   I like my method but anything that gets you to examine your life is a 10 in my book. Here's wishing you an amazing year to come!

It's Complicated when your life is Up In The Air

2009-12-29T20:17:00.004-06:00

Spent the last few days enjoying the post holiday calm by seeing friends and some great movies. Two in particular I loved: It's Complicated (Streep / Baldwin) and Up In The Air (Clooney). And they were both entertaining and thought provoking. Good questions to ponder at the end of one year and the beginning of a new one:

It's Complicated: Relationships linger in our lives for many reasons. Don't we need to figure them out before we can commit to healthy new ones? I believe there is an energy block when we don't complete a love relationship that distracts us from attracting a new love. I've struggled with this one myself, having spent years pining over someone who would not have made me happy in the long run. What makes things complicated is that there are also times when an old love is exactly what we need both temporarily or possibly permanently only in a different phase of our lives. Either way, if we don't look at reevaluating our relationships, we're wasting valuable energy. Reunite or release? Festering is not good for the soul.

Up In The Air: Are we living a valuable life filled with love or are we just passing GO and collecting frequent flyer miles? What is our destination in life? What game are we playing? Worthwhile to figure out before we spend our days away.

Both movies are reminders that we need to take time to look at our lives while were living them. And ask ourselves: Is this the life I want for myself?

I will be pondering both questions in-depth in the next few days and then using Me Mapping to take a look into what needs to be closed in 2009 and what I want to engage with in 2010.

How's your life... complicated? up in the air? Maybe 2010 is a good time to land, simplify, and figure You out.

Fresh New Decade

2009-12-27T13:48:00.023-06:00

2010

I love a clean sheet of paper, a blank slate, new paint... anything that is crisp and neat and symbolic of a new beginning. That is why I love New Years... ah, fresh start! This year is the start of a new decade and there is just something about 2010 that seems numerically interesting and lucky. Do you feel it?
   The last decade was rough. You know, you were there. But I feel like 2010 is a good time to start anew. In addition to finishing up my book Finding Joy, I will also be beginning a new work adventure (more to follow) so I'm feeling very full of possibilities. As is my tradition on New Years Day, Friday I will be Me Mapping all day and closing out 2009 and creating 2010. I usually like to come up with a few themes for the year to inspire me and keep things in perspective. I think this year instead of multiple themes I will narrow it down to one maybe two. Top contender: I'm In It To Win It!
   I am also a big fan of rhyming so also looking at: If Not In 2010, When? Both kinda connected.
   Years tend to run together, so if I feel like they have a theme or slogan I'm more likely to feel compelled by a narrative of what I want bring into my life vs just existing day-to-day.
   I will share more about Me Mapping into the New Year, but until then try on some themes for 2010 with me and see if anything strikes you.

MEN And Their Daddy-Issues

2009-12-19T16:40:00.006-06:00

Many people think that success in life is measured by the business you build, the money you bank, the family you create... I think it is the peace and joy you feel inside when all of that is stripped away and you are alone with yourself. Not that those other aspects aren't wonderful to include in a full life, but I know people (and so do you) who seem to have everything and yet are miserable.

Life use to be about survival: don't get eaten by a lion, and find something to eat and woohoo you are the man! But as we evolved, we wanted to be happy and fulfilled too. When I watch Mad Men I always end the experience asking myself: why do I continue to watch this show when it is so depressing. Not one character seems to enjoy anything in their lives but cocktail hour-- which even though I am all for, does not make a complete life.

We laugh thinking how far we have come from those sexist, racist, homophobic days; and how ridiculous the following hippy, free-love, druggie era was too. We are so enlightened, we think to ourselves. And yet, our last president took us into a trillion dollar war because he had to finish the business his daddy didn't and revenge:

After-all, this the guy that tried to kill my dad at one time.

~ President G.W. Bush

Tiger is another example of how someone who seemed to have everything, willingly participated in behavior that lead to his life imploding. The cheating is only the most sensationalist aspect of this sordid affair, what I find more interesting is how it might all lead back to his unresolved daddy-isses (rumor has it that Earl also had affairs and Tiger was devastated by his father's philandering).

I am no therapist, nor do I have the training to diagnose what is the root of Tiger's distructive behavior, but I do think it points out that we need to invest as much time, money, and energy figuring ourselves out as we do on education, business consultants, and trainers. Or in the case of Michael Jackson, who spent a fortune to avoid looking like his father and recreating his childhood, therapy instead of plastic surgery and Neverland.

If daddy-issues can start a trillion dollar war, take down a billion dollar sport star, and a legendary entertainer- this is not just a warm-fuzzy topic. What people ignore in their personal lives ends up in all other aspects of their lives... eventually. Women have Oprah, girlfriends, an entire self-help industry catering to them, not to mention less stigma going into therapy when they are ready to heal their own issues. Men really need to find something that works for them or at least start stealing some of ours.

Finding joy in life is about knowing ourselves and when we don't invest in the time, a good therapist, books, seminars, studies, etc. to figure ourselves out... life is a little rough.

Case For Not Having Kids

2009-12-16T17:44:00.038-06:00

"Joy, you would be a GREAT mom!" People feel compelled to tell me this, like my friend Peggy did on Monday. Here is the thing, I know that they mean it as a compliment so I take it that way. But they also mean, why aren't you breeding and joining us in this miracle of life? To which I say, thanks but no thanks!

First I must state that I feel like starting a family is the most important decision a person can make (this includes of course who you pick as a spouse) and that is why long ago I pondered good and hard if this was something I wanted in my life? And the answer was: no. No drama, no regrets, it just wasn't something that I wanted to dedicate the next 18+ years of my life doing. I truly applaud those who have chosen the path and do a great job at it, and try and hold my contempt and find compassion for the ones who are shitty at it.

Biologically most people can reproduce, for goodness sakes rabbits can do it in multiples. But truly great parenting is an art, not an easy or perfect one, and it takes dedication, work, and skills. That is why I get really irritated with people who treat it so cavalierly. If someone is not completely committed to parenting a child and all that that entails, they should not have kids (don't even get me started on teen mothers). In the last century our population has exploded; there are already millions of children that have no one to care for them. Besides, no one has such golden DNA that it needs to be passed on; even the Dalai Lama and Jesus' DNA was not vital to their holiness.

What is needed, and what I try to bring to the table, are caring adults to engage in a child's life. Parents are important but so are mentors, teachers, coaches, and... Aunties.

Today I got a call from my best friend Jennifer's son Max (far right in pic), who couldn't wait to play Joy To The World to me on the piano. I had gone to see him in a holiday production Monday night and after he wanted to show me how good he was on the piano. When I asked if he knew my song, he said he didn't. Within two days he learned the song and couldn't wait to show me how fast a learner he is. Now would I have even had the time to go to his concert if I had my own kids to raise, uh... no!

Last Spring I went to see another BF's daughter in her school play. One of the mothers I was introduced to said "Oh, you must be her mom's friend who comes a whole hour to see her every year in her plays." Good thing the lights were about to go out because I was so touched that Elizabeth was boasting about me backstage, I started to tear up.

To me, parents put in all the work and I get to swoop in and have all the fun- or in the case of the teens in my life, the deep conversations. But I am so honored to be a part of a child's life that I can for the time I am there (my max: 6 hrs) be totally engaged in their world.

When the kids can't wait to show me what they are going to be for Halloween in August (above) or go to the zoo, or share which colleges they are scoping, I say thanks for all the hard work you parents do... and YAY Auntie Joy for not being one of them.

Graduate to Greatness

2009-12-13T17:41:00.007-06:00

About two years ago I got a call from an old sorority sister who wanted to chat about some things that were going on in her life. During the conversation she said that something I had said to her a couple of years prior had really stuck with her and she thanked me for it. Fast forward to our meetup this spring... there was a lot going on with her (not really pertinent to the story so not sharing) but we got into a very frank conversation about where she was in life. And after listening to her vent for a while, I just couldn't help myself and had to set my compassion aside and just tell her how ridiculous she was being.

Here is the thing I have noticed with people (especially my friends with kids), they just forget how amazing they are. And I'm not just talking how cute their hair is, but I mean how deep down awesome they are as people and brilliant they are intellectually. I have identified two issues: working moms feel so run down doing everything they don't feel they do anything "good enough" so they beat themselves up. Stay-at-home moms are so accustomed to doing for everyone and rarely getting an attaboy, they forget they have minds and the little creatures in their homes wouldn't be who they are without their wondrous parenting.

Back to my friend: She was so numb to her greatness that when I started talking about it bluntly with her, she was overwhelmed. And before she could even absorb it, I (only because of limited time and b/c I knew she needed a swift kick) challenged her to do something about becoming who she was meant to be and stop whining. Month and months go by so you can imagine my delight when I read this Facebook exchange:

Her: just finished first semester of grad school...

Me: Yippeee! SO proud of You!

Her: Joy you were my inspiration to start...Thank you

Point of this story is that sometimes we need friends that tell it like it is and we need to be brave enough to ask, absorb and get in action. (BTW: I am good at giving, but I also value the friends of mine who do this for me in my times of need too.) And also, we never know when someone is going to take our words to heart; so try and speak truthfully, directly, and constructively. My friend is going to be an amazing contribution to the teaching community when she is finished with schooling, and because of one lunch (and of course all her hard work) those students lives will be touched immeasurably.

If I may say so myself, I am pretty proud of the greatness I cajoled out of her :)

Lucky Me: I'm In It to Win It!

2009-12-12T19:23:00.009-06:00

I've had a remarkable 2 weeks of lucky wins. The funny thing is that I rarely enter contests or try to win prizes- a little skeptical once you know that so many are just to get your information to sell to some third party that bombards you with junk. That being said, in the last two weeks I have won two books and a Flip Cam. 2 of the 3 were from Twitter contests of writers that I had been following and felt I could trust, and the other was from another writer who I was participating in a weekly meditation program with. The exciting thing was the two books were on my seamlessly endless Amazon list that I had intended to buy, so it was like winning money. And the Flip Cam was something I really wanted for Santa to bring, so it was like Christmas early.

High on winner's fumes, I decided to go out and get a few lottery tickets (3 scratches 1 MegaMillions) and 2/3 scratch offs were FREE ticket winners and then I landed the Mega Ball so that means technically I won the lottery too. Sure, add it all together and it means I broke even (2 free + $2), but that is not the point. It reminded me you have to be in it to win.

In it to win it is not just for gambling (which I do not encourage anyone to get addicted to, it can be very destructive) but as a prompt for life. Dating: in it to win it. Job hunting: in it to win it. ..... So even though it's a little early for declarations, I am going to adopt in it to win it as a theme for 2010. Because I don't know about you, but sometimes I am not always in it and maybe that is where all the winners are.

Love, Joy & GLEE

2009-12-10T17:39:00.013-06:00

GLEE! Such an adorable show. But, we're not here to talk adorability. First a little background: Will & Emma are both teachers and while crushing on each other, there are of course obstacles keeping them apart.

Ok, back to lesson... something happens and Emma decides to finally just lay it on the line and tell Will that she would do anything to be with him. Commercial/interaction with kids/singing...and then Will realizes his life would suck with out her. (Kelly Clarkson blaring in background- click GLEE to see how it ends.)

So here is the life lesson: Just Say It! Especially when it comes to love. There is nothing more tragic in life than not going for the love that you want. Even if it is unrequited (which I get totally sucks, believe me I've been there) at least you said it.

There are no guarantees in life, but if we don't at least go for it we'll never find our JOY!

(...and in your search for love, may I suggest you check out The Dating Optimist she gives excellent advise ☺)

The Element

2009-12-09T15:44:00.010-06:00

The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything by Sir Ken Robinson is an amazing book, so much so I had a hard time just reading it and letting it go. The point of the book is that when we are in our "Element" we are at our bests. You can read the review and find out more by clicking the link, but first let me digress...

I have been actively using Twitter for the last year and have become almost addicted to it and only justifying my time on it reasoning that: I have actually booked 2 speaking gigs through connections; have kept in touch with Laurie (my agent) and other writers; and have made some amazing business connections too.

How does this apply to the book? Well there are two twenty-something gals (Jessica & Carolyn) who I have been tweeting with and I have found myself in awe of the fact they are so young and have created so much for themselves. They annoyingly will say, oh it's not a huge deal what we've done... to which I say bullshit! If I could have written my first book or started a business when I was their age, I would have been in heaven. When I was just out of college no one started their own thing, closest you got was taking over your family owned business. I didn't get to explore my creative side until I was mid-thirties and though I wouldn't have changed a thing now (ok, I would've but then again I wouldn't be the 2009-wise-Joy-that-I-am if I had) I am so excited for them. Sometimes I think I am more proud of them they they are of themselves because they don't seem to grasp how amazingly brave, bold & slightly fool-hearty it is to go off and follow their passions. Do they have it all figured out, no... but they are so ahead of the curve it's breathtaking.

How does this apply to the book? Well if we weren't so set on squashing all the creativity out of kids going through our school system, or so concerned as parents that our kids "fit in", then maybe everyone would find their Element by 20. But many of us need to wait way longer or tragically never even get to discover ours and die without sharing our unique gift with the world. Dammit, I think this is something that needs to change. Sir Ken even lays out the theory that if we don't our very existence as a planet might be in peril (really, he makes a good scare-the-shit-out-of-you case for it too).

So not only did I write a heart-felt review of the book, but I also came up with an idea for a show based on it that would be perfect for Oprah's new network OWN (read more in review). Bottom line: we all need to be in our Element to thrive and I am so grateful that I am well on my way to ripening. If you haven't found yours, what the hell are you waiting for?

back...

2009-12-04T16:29:00.001-06:00

yada, yada, yada... back to blogging. I was twittering away when I realized I couldn't say everything I wanted to say in 140 ct. So, I am going to write about my latest quest, Finding Joy (the working title of my next book) and keep a record of what is and is not bringing the joy.

Loving Life

2009-04-11T14:01:00.002-05:00

After spending a full week sick with the flu and I have never been more happy to be back to normal and am really appreciating my health. That and Thursday my friend Diane was (after a year in treatment for Melanoma) declared "Cancer Free!" by her doctor.

Health and taking care of it- new top of my priority list.

MindMate

2009-01-16T14:22:00.003-06:00

I was reading an article in a magazine the other day and came across a term I'd never heard before . . . mindmate. It refers to when you click with someone on a primarily intellectual level-- as a play on soulmate. Ironically I had just a great coffee with a man I network with who I totally think is brilliant and he instantly popped to mind. When I thought about it, I could see the term in a few of the relationships I had in the past with people that were so smart and witty that I just felt drawn to them. Mindmate . . . on the look out for one who also has a bit of soul!

In the Stars

2009-01-04T15:10:00.001-06:00

Although I'm not normally a reader of horoscopes, decided to reconsider when this one is so obviously speaking to me this year . . .

Year 2009 Overview

In 2009, you find yourself connecting with people effortlessly as your warm-hearted actions are acknowledged and radiated back to you in a way you've never experienced before. The confident joy and happiness you freely give to others gives you the innate ability to be productive. For you, kind actions are the way to transformation and success.

This is a perfect time for proud Leo, because you have the desire, drive and power to help society. You realize there's work to do, and you'll give a helping hand wherever you can. You are ready to align yourself with a higher level of awareness, and exhibit a regenerative attitude is about reaping the harvest by submitting to the larger purpose. What you are able to give to others directly reflects the transformation happening within you.

Your heart is in the right place, and you are likely to accomplish all that you set out to do this year. You're developing excellent skills in your own personal transformation process, and you are ready to make the conscious decision to be the best you can be. You feel secure, and the beauty of who you are shines through easily and effortlessly.

www.astrology.com

New Year: 2009

2009-01-01T22:56:00.001-06:00

I spent today doing what I've done for the last seven New Years: sketching out what I am going to attract in the year to come (find my technique at www.memapping.com). This year I decided to add blogging to my list of new adventures. And since being inspired and inspiring others is my goal this year, this will be the theme of my blog too.

My life's purpose is to be SOLAR: meaning to feed myself with enough knowledge and inspiration to light myself up and hopefully have others be touched by that energy. I figure if I now put out in the Universe the record of what has been inspiring to me, maybe other will find it along their way.

I love this image because it reminds me of the energy we radiate to others. Hope your coming year is full of wonderful adventures and positive energy!