Wednesday, January 28, 2015
I cried TEARS OF JOY last night. Now I will admit I am a bit of a weeper anyway... but these were deep happy happy tears of excitement and joy and there is a tingly difference even from tears of laughter.
There is a project that I've been working on (will share sometime soon) and I was struggling for a long time on how to best wrap up what I wanted to say and how to end it powerfully and I found exactly what I wanted to say in the tone I wanted to say it in. And for lack of a better phrase: it was the cherry on top that made it come together deliciously!
We all have great things going on in our lives but if you haven't dreamt a big exciting dream for yourself (no matter wild or mild) I encourage you to reach for one this year. It's hard to get started, sucks almost all the way through the middle, but the cherry!
The flippin' tears of joy are so, so worth it!
Cheers to some wonderful weepin' :)
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Let's stop the grand delusion that says everyone
has to be on every journey we take.
Although I've always kind of thought: you're either along for the ride or you're not... while reading Brendon's The Motivation Manifesto these words really struck me.
What if instead of assuming people (whether friends, family, or coworkers) are along for the whole adventure we just think of them as along for this mile of our journey or that one? I've heard the reason, season, or lifetime reference to people being in our lives but this is way more clear and visual to me.
Besides, we can't bring everyone along for everything or we'll: have no room to explore and welcome the new, be bogged down with more baggage to carry, be burdened by backseat drivers, and often just keep circling endlessly.
I'm going to try and open up my mind and life to journeying solo, traveling lighter, being open to letting people on and off my journeys with grace, and appreciating those that didn't choose to accompany me but still provide an oasis to replenish.
I hate taking a backseat, mostly because of my extreme motion sickness, so I hope I remember to be supportive of those around I choose not to ride with as well. And with those I do... I hopefully won't weigh them down with my baggage, won't steer them off their path, and won't be a distraction while navigating their own course.
If life is all about the journey not the destination we need to embark with those that bring us joy and make our going a fruitful exploration. Let's let off the people that are not up for it, on those that make the trek more enjoyable, get direction from those we respect, be up for venturing down a different path, and above all take our joyful journey into our own hands. Happy trails :)
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I had an emotional time on New Year's Day with my yearly ritual of closing out 2014 and creating 2015. So much to mourn and yet be grateful for that I barely started in on 2015 until the next day, which is so unlike me.
2014 was going along just fine until the end of summer when my family started falling apart. Literally. My Dad needed hip-replacement, my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, and then my Mom fractured her foot in two places.
Her fall lead to a physical, which lead to heart surgery (5 stents), which had gone well and was leading to a full recovery. That is until a coughing attack while driving lead to a car accident, which lead to her body giving out and dying within the week. So it wasn't so much that it was out of the blue or so sudden but shocking in its own way.
As sad as her death has been it has been peaceful in many ways-- most so in that my Mother and I had nothing left unsaid between us. Not all gushing I should point out. My Mother was not one of those happy-homemaker kind of moms. She was dramatic and narcissistic and difficult... and also funny, creative, smart, and loving.
All these characteristics made it challenging to be her daughter for much of my life. Up until my 30's when I realized she wasn't going to change, she did the best she could, and when we weren't busy fixing each other we could actually have a delightful time together. And part of what brought me to this place was she let me say whatever I had to about our relationship. She didn't necessarily own all her mistakes but she didn't invalidate my experiences and she apologized for not being a great mother... which ironically kinda made her a great mother because most children never get that kind of acknowledgement of the parenting they missed out on.
After her heart surgery she was cranky and being very hard to be around and I told her she needed to choose how she wanted to live out the rest of her life: grateful or bitter. That's the beauty of having worked through your shit you can speak directly to each other. She knew I loved her AND I didn't want to see her flinging her misery at me.
The last thing my Mom wrote before her accident was a thank you note to me
(my sister found it on her table at home being readied to send):
She got to have the last word, go out gracefully and beautifully, and leave me her love and appreciation to hold onto forever.
Please if you are reading this, take this as an opportunity to leave nothing unsaid with the ones you love. Have the difficult conversations, apologize and clean up your messes, lend an open ear if someone needs to clean up theirs, thank people in writing, send love notes. Do whatever you need to do so that no matter what 2015 holds nothing has been left unsaid between you and those you love.
My Mother's last hours were spent peacefully surrounded by my brother, sister and me and she knew she was loved. And even though she wasn't coherent I know she knew she'd done a great job because we were there for her and each other.
All had been said and done so she could truly Rest In Peace.