The Most Important Relationship In Your Life...

Diane von Furstenberg didn't really know what she wanted to do, but she knew the woman she wanted to become. Her book chronicles her journey around the world, and how she achieved her goal of living like a man in a woman's body. And by this she meant living with the freedom to make her own decisions- which at the time was rather rare. While her fortunes and fame came and went and came back again, and as lovers did the same, she learned the independence her mother instilled in her made her the woman she wanted to be.

Her mother, a Holocaust-survivor, taught her to never be a victim and that fear is not an option:

Never, ever, blame others for what befalls you, no matter how horrible it might be.  Trust you, and only you, to be responsible for your own life.

She didn't always love the lesson, but learned to embrace the message.

Over the years haven't we all at some point or another waited for someone to date, promote, validate, or love us while never quite getting the heaping helping we were hoping for? Yet when we treasure and treat ourselves like we wished others would we heal the wounds and learn to develop a less frail-victimy way about us.

At one point she was doubting her abilities when a friend said to her "assume-toi", a French expression for: Own Yourself. Just another reminder of the key she often shares with others:

Become your best friend; it is well worth it. It takes a lot of work and it can be painful because it requires honesty and discipline. It means you have to accept who you are, see all your faults and weaknesses. Having done that, you can correct, improve, and little by little discover the things you do like about yourself and start to design your life. 

Hmm... design our lives. No wonder it rang so true to me. ME Mapping is my experiment and practice in doing just that. It's confronting. It's a bit overwhelming. But if we get to a clear baseline of the life we have then we can develop a vision for what we want to create and live.

You cannot have a good relationship with anyone, unless you first have it with yourself.

We don't need to be princesses, rich, powerful, or popular to see ourselves as our most valuable relationship; and if not, we should explore what's up with that. Narcissism is not the goal, healthy self-love and self-friendship is. After all, if we can't love ourselves why would anyone else?

DVF encourages woman to design their lives and realize that we must embrace the whole package. She often wasn't the most beautiful, or wealthy, or brilliant person in the room... but she had confidence and developed other traits that highlighted where she was dazzling. She has lived an interesting, adventurous, fabulous life because she loved who she was becoming along her journey.

We need to love ourselves, design our lives, become the women/ men we wish to be. What are we waiting for? Let's get on with our fabulous, fabulous selves  :)   

One Life Changing Question...

Three weekends back I was not feeling well enough to go out but not bad enough to stay in bed so I traveled down a rabbit hole on Pinterest and found myself becoming obsessed with The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up. I began to tell my sister the story the Monday after and she mocked me and asked how could there be anything left to declutter in my place since I've been talking about decluttering for years. But alas, all methods before kept resulting in reoccurring clutter because they were missing a clarifying question... and there lies the magic!

Marie, who refers to her method as KonMari, is a best selling author with a cult-following overseas and is now making a name for herself in the U.S. Her book is pretty plain and although I did get a lot out of it, the life-changing part is one simple question. Here's how it works: first you take all your clothes and gather them in one place and then item by item you take them in your hands and ask yourself:

Does This Spark JOY?

And if it doesn't you put it in the discard pile and move on to the next thing. Once you have all the things you love sorted you can then decide how to organize and store them. She's known for her folding method- but I digress...

Normally with decluttering you decide what to get rid of which leaves us with only chucking the bad horrible stuff leaving a lot of stuff that we just put up with or are "fine" but really are just in our way of really getting to the good-joyful-stuff. I know it sounds fantastical but I swear it has completely changed my life in the last few weeks and I am now surrounded by more joy and less stuff. Imagine your closet with only items that make you look great. Wouldn't you rather feel awesome in a few outfits then be rummaging around a packed closet where you forget what you even have.

You can read about the rest of her philosophy in her own summary and on my Pinterest board but it's actually not even the organizing that brings the change. It is about asking yourself what kind of lifestyle do you want to live? What brings you joy?

Sure I'm happy my sock drawer is so organized, but the big point I took away is that we surround ourselves with stuff that ties us to the past or weighs us down with expectations of the future instead of stopping and enjoying our life right now. Even though I thought I had understood this, clearly I was only big-toe-in before and couldn't make the full dive into letting go of what was just cluttering my life and what was really available to bring me joy.

And after you go through your clothes, then books, papers, and mementos you begin to realize how much freer we feel when we let go of things that are unnecessary in our lives. Sure we need to keep some things that are not necessarily joy-evoking but actually once I got going I even got rid of my heavy desk tape dispenser because I realized when I use tape I really just like to use the pre-cut strips that come in the little handband one. Tape-joy, who knew!

KonMari: vertical folding lets you see what's in your drawers 

I did get really stuck when it came to books, but it occurred to me I was keeping most of the books I read as trophies and markers of how much I had learned and educated myself on vs a real resource for knowledge that I would ever re-read. I ditched half my books, a third of my clothes, and probably eighty percent of my paperwork. I get giddy when I open my drawers but even more helpful is that the sparking joy philosophy is a choice that we can use for any area of our life. 

Friend not bringing you joy, then stop hanging out with them. Job not bringing you joy, then start transitioning to something new. Not everything we do or have is going to bring us joy but it should lead a step closer to it or we need to ask ourselves is this aspect of our lives working for us? 

I didn't adopt every suggestion but one kooky recommendation did actually work even though it sounds nuts at first. She talks about thanking your discardable things for their service to you as you get rid of them (even the shirt with the tags still left on it, for teaching you yellow is not your color). I admit it sounds ridiculous but it really did make me feel better about throwing out and donating my stuff. Don't laugh it off until you try it :)

Of course I love the term "sparking joy" because, well... you know. But really, what better measurement of our stuff and our lifestyle then if our end result is it makes us happier?

A friend asked: but how do you get over the guilt of getting rid of stuff people gave you or the feeling you are wasting? Here's the thing, if someone cares about you they want you to be happy more then they need to see their doohickey on your shelf. The gift is in the giving and thought not in you storing it forever (you can always take a picture to capture the memory before you release it). And it is not wasteful to get rid of things by donating what someone else would be thrilled to have -that's actually good karma. As for items that are too worn to donate, they have done their job so let them go. Of course after thanking them first ;)   

Being distracted by possessions and clutter is a huge problem which leads to a vicious cycle of being drained so trying to fill up our lives with things, which then need to be paid for and cleaned and organized and stored. The less we have the more present we can to be to what's truly important in our lives. And if it brings us joy then go ahead and buy and keep it. But if it doesn't, let it go, and go find your joy elsewhere. 

I'm not going to lie, there is a pang of nausea that hits when you first see how much stuff you have surrounded yourself with, then a wave of guilt bagging up the stuff you've spent money on, then a tinge of regret when you drop off bags and bags of items you are only 99% sure you'll never need again... but then you come home to your decluttered space and there is JOY!

And that my friends is what makes it all worth it. Happy sparking :)

It's All About The Conversations We Have (or Don't)

I was at an impressive cocktail party a week ago and the question of what do you do? got me tongue-tied like it never has before. Because I don't really consider myself a writer, even though I've written a book; not really a consultant, even though I help people with business projects; not really a coach, even though I lead monthly workshops. And now by-golly I was really stuck because the project I've been working on about end-of-life choices, called Uthanasia, is not exactly a book but an idea I'm putting forward with no expectations.

So what's with that? Well I think I've kinda narrowed down what I do on the eve of starting on a new project and distributing the latest one... I help people look at their lives and then have valuable conversations about what's important to them.

Life (ME Mapping), death (My Last Wishes... & Uthanasia), business (JOY TH!NK). To me there is nothing more important then knowing what our lives are about and then having the conversations with those we love about what's important to us. And the difference between having and not having the conversations is not only about our happiness, our businesses, our relationships, they're also life and death. No really!

So that's what I'm about and this is the next conversation I want to share with you...

Uthanasia: A Good Ending.

Tears Of JOY!

I cried TEARS OF JOY last night. Now I will admit I am a bit of a weeper anyway... but these were deep happy happy tears of excitement and joy and there is a tingly difference even from tears of laughter.

There is a project that I've been working on (will share sometime soon) and I was struggling for a long time on how to best wrap up what I wanted to say and how to end it powerfully and I found exactly what I wanted to say in the tone I wanted to say it in. And for lack of a better phrase: it was the cherry on top that made it come together deliciously!

We all have great things going on in our lives but if you haven't dreamt a big exciting dream for yourself (no matter wild or mild) I encourage you to reach for one this year. It's hard to get started, sucks almost all the way through the middle, but the cherry!
The flippin' tears of joy are so, so worth it!

Cheers to some wonderful weepin' :)

Who's Onboard Your JOY Journey?

Let's stop the grand delusion that says everyone 

                                      has to be on every journey we take.                                                                                                     

~Brendon Burchard 

Although I've always kind of thought: you're either along for the ride or you're not... while reading Brendon's The Motivation Manifesto these words really struck me.

What if instead of assuming people (whether friends, family, or coworkers) are along for the whole adventure we just think of them as along for this mile of our journey or that one? I've heard the reason, season, or lifetime reference to people being in our lives but this is way more clear and visual to me. 

Besides, we can't bring everyone along for everything or we'll: have no room to explore and welcome the new, be bogged down with more baggage to carry, be burdened by backseat drivers, and often just keep circling endlessly.

I'm going to try and open up my mind and life to journeying solo, traveling lighter, being open to letting people on and off my journeys with grace, and appreciating those that didn't choose to accompany me but still provide an oasis to replenish. 

I hate taking a backseat, mostly because of my extreme motion sickness, so I hope I remember to be supportive of those around I choose not to ride with as well. And with those I do... I hopefully won't weigh them down with my baggage, won't steer them off their path, and won't be a distraction while navigating their own course.

If life is all about the journey not the destination we need to embark with those that bring us joy and make our going a fruitful exploration. Let's let off the people that are not up for it, on those that make the trek more enjoyable, get direction from those we respect, be up for venturing down a different path, and above all take our joyful journey into our own hands. Happy trails :)   

NOTHING Left Unsaid

I had an emotional time on New Year's Day with my yearly ritual of closing out 2014 and creating 2015. So much to mourn and yet be grateful for that I barely started in on 2015 until the next day, which is so unlike me.

2014 was going along just fine until the end of summer when my family started falling apart. Literally. My Dad needed hip-replacement, my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, and then my Mom fractured her foot in two places.

Her fall lead to a physical, which lead to heart surgery (5 stents), which had gone well and was leading to a full recovery. That is until a coughing attack while driving lead to a car accident, which lead to her body giving out and dying within the week. So it wasn't so much that it was out of the blue or so sudden but shocking in its own way.

As sad as her death has been it has been peaceful in many ways-- most so in that my Mother and I had nothing left unsaid between us. Not all gushing I should point out. My Mother was not one of those happy-homemaker kind of moms. She was dramatic and narcissistic and difficult... and also funny, creative, smart, and loving.

All these characteristics made it challenging to be her daughter for much of my life. Up until my 30's when I realized she wasn't going to change, she did the best she could, and when we weren't busy fixing each other we could actually have a delightful time together. And part of what brought me to this place was she let me say whatever I had to about our relationship. She didn't necessarily own all her mistakes but she didn't invalidate my experiences and she apologized for not being a great mother... which ironically kinda made her a great mother because most children never get that kind of acknowledgement of the parenting they missed out on.

After her heart surgery she was cranky and being very hard to be around and I told her she needed to choose how she wanted to live out the rest of her life: grateful or bitter. That's the beauty of having worked through your shit you can speak directly to each other. She knew I loved her AND I didn't want to see her flinging her misery at me.

The last thing my Mom wrote before her accident was a thank you note to me
(my sister found it on her table at home being readied to send):

Perfect, right?!

She got to have the last word, go out gracefully and beautifully, and leave me her love and appreciation to hold onto forever.

Please if you are reading this, take this as an opportunity to leave nothing unsaid with the ones you love. Have the difficult conversations, apologize and clean up your messes, lend an open ear if someone needs to clean up theirs, thank people in writing, send love notes. Do whatever you need to do so that no matter what 2015 holds nothing has been left unsaid between you and those you love.

My Mother's last hours were spent peacefully surrounded by my brother, sister and me and she knew she was loved. And even though she wasn't coherent I know she knew she'd done a great job because we were there for her and each other.
All had been said and done so she could truly Rest In Peace.

Creating 2015!

Wishing YOU a fabulous 2015! Hope this helps to create your Best Year Ever :)

ME Mapping: Creating Your Year from Joy Meredith

Jump Start With JOY

[ Diane's Story Of Finding Joy.... & Her Dave ]

January has come to be known as my "Jump Start with Joy" month.  For the past two Januaries (2013 & 2014), I have attended Joy's ME Mapping Workshop which truly helped me transform my life!

I've known Joy since 1987 and have always known her to be talented, smart, witty, creative, caring, and helpful. So, when she told me about her ME Mapping endeavor, I went just to be supportive. The next thing I knew, I was mapping out my life and zeroing in on areas that I wanted to improve (faith, friends, family, career, and health).  

I started a gratitude journal, working out regularly, found more time to spend with friends, and healed from a year of devastating losses. I lost the weight I gained from recent cancer that I could never seem to shed, and even began to date again. All of those things I mapped out became a reality.  

So when 2014 rolled in, I once again attend the ME Workshop and mapped out my life for the year ahead. I focused on a theme and called it my "Fabulous 14" Lifestyle which focused on Faith, Friends, Family, Fitness, Food, and my Focus.  I even picked a symbolic color, fuchsia, and bought a snazzy hot pink coat to remind me of my 2014 purpose.  

I improved in all areas, but my focus area (to engage in a positive relationship based on the Fruits of the Spirit) proved to be the biggest transformation of all!! I wanted to find and maintain a life-long relationship and mapped out (in a giant heart) all of the traits and important qualities I wanted to find. A month later, I met Dave. Dave possessed all of my mapped out qualities and was looking for a similar commitment filled with cooperation, communication, and Christian values. After our first date (which lasted 7 hours), I immediately called Joy and told her I was going to marry him! Three months later, we were engaged and married six months later!

I was able to find joy through Joy!  Ironic, right?  I was able to take the principles of the Circle of Joy (declutter, engage, appreciate) and really see my life.  

Thank you Joy, for helping me find the joy in my life!