Men Need Friends: Who's Your Sundance?

Twice this week I cried over deep friendships... not mine, but those of some men I don't even know. It started when I was watching Paul Newman and Robert Redford's episode of Iconoclasts. Hearing them talk about their deep bond and how because they could lean on each other they could get beyond Hollywood egos and life's other issues and create a gift (Newman's Own, Sundance) to share with the world.  

Then I got choked up listening to an interview (last 5 minutes of part 2) between Marc Maron and Louis CK talking about how they used to be best friends until jealousy tore them apart. Here are just a few snippets from Louie trying to explain how he felt:

When you know someone for a long time it’s a valuable thing… we were best friends for a long time… there are times when it’s hard to be your friend’s friend…

... it takes a good friend to stay with you in hard times, it takes a good friend to stay with you in good times… everyone needs support, everybody does… You’re being a shitty friend by being jealous. 

I could have used you, I got divorced, I got a show canceled, I had some tough times I could of used a friend. Those times that were making you jealous, I was struggling, I was having a hard time.

Here is something I don't think most men talk about: their need to have a close male friend. And I'm not talking a beer or golf buddy, I'm talking someone who you can talk to about anything. I was not familiar with Marc Maron and have only recently started to really love Louis CK, yet I was still unbelievably moved by how they both needed each other but were too stubborn/ jealous/ insecure to really reach out. (Warning: Louie is not everyone's bag of tea. My sister could not even listen to a full minute of him because of his language- salty. But his everything's amazing and nobody's happy bit on Conan is safe for all.) The thing I've noticed with my male friends is that they have a hard time with deep communications in general and especially if they are feeling lost or struggling.

Recently one of my oldest pals called me to apologize for how crappy of a friend he had been. He was going through something and realized he had no one to talk to about it. When he went to call me he said it hit him how he had spent the last decade focused solely on his work and totally not thinking of other people outside his immediate family. I have no real friends- who would even say anything at my funeral?

A little dramatic, but probably kind of true. This is especially true once guys get out of their 20's and start to have families and focus heavily on their careers. Unlike most women, men can often rely exclusively on their spouse for the only intimate relationship in their lives. But if there is something off in that relationship or if they feel like they aren't succeeding there, they can feel alone in the world. One of my close girlfriends is going through a divorce and her ex is being a total ass. Still I found myself trying to explain his actions because I knew he was doing stupid stuff because he had no one else to lash out at and no one to talk things through with.

Louie also mentioned something that I think men don't talk about either; he said he was in therapy and he wasn't getting where he wanted it to go, so he point-blank asked the guy: what is my problem? The therapist said his over-eating and masterbation all stemmed from anxiety and those habits were what he used to cope with it. How many men drink/drug, gamble, abuse porn, sleep around, leave their families, all because they don't know how to handle their anxieties? A lot!

I have known men who have cheated on their wives/girlfriends and the reason: to connect with someone. Sure there is the bonus of sex, but mostly that too is tied to a release from feeling stressed, confused, unimportant, like a failure, etc. Executives, celebrities, athletes, average Joes, all need to have someone who can listen and relate to them. Like Louie said:  I had some tough times, I could of used a friend. 

So Guys don't wait till you are in a bad way, reach out and make a friend, be a friend, repair a friendship... because everyone needs support, everybody does.

Perspective in a Picture

Pakistani children who survived heavy flooding lie covered with flies- roadside in
Nowshera Pakistan on Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2010 (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)

This photo haunts me. Actually many of these photos haunt me, but mostly this one because I can't imagine having to endure your kids being covered in flies with nothing to feed them and little more that you can do.

Part of the inspiration behind my last post (The HOPE Index) was the floods in Pakistan and the silliness of all the non-stop news about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Glenn Beck, etc. and how ridiculous we have become as consumers of "news"/info. I am as guilty as the next person of keeping up with the latest Hollywood/Washington buzz, but when I catch myself complaining about something or listening to my friends bemoan some relatively trivial inconvenience, I want to shout: ARE YOU KIDDING... ARE YOU HOMELESS, HUNGRY, AND COVERED IN FLIES? THEN SHUT UP!!!

I get we all need a release and it isn't healthy to be constantly focused on all that ails the world, but I do think a dose of real perspective might help: Me, You, and for goodness sake those twits that have nothing better to do than drugs, fear mongering, paparazzi posing, and porn. 

Here's hoping you are having a wonderful day, and if not, I wish that your troubles fly by and don't land too long. 

HOPE Index

George Clooney's speech at the Emmys was striking. He won the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award and gave a short speech calling for celebrities to use their fame to do good in the world. In his last few lines here is what hit me:

When a disaster happens, everybody wants to help, everybody in this room wants to help, everybody at home wants to help. The hard part is seven months late, five years later, when we're on to a new story. Honestly, we fail at that most of the time. That's the facts.

I fail at that.

So here's hoping that some very bright person right here in the room or at home watching can help find a way to keep the spotlight burning on these heartbreaking situations that continue to be heartbreaking long after the cameras go away. That would be an impressive accomplishment. Thank you.

Of course I was extremely inspired and also thought I am a bright person... let's see what I can come up with. Here is my suggestion. I'm dedicating my idea to the original inspiration and George's speech and calling it:

The HOPE Index

Idea: Highlight the top 10 humanitarian needs in a simple one page document (cheat sheet, if you will) that can be easily distributed to politicians, philanthropists, celebrities, educators, clergy, reporters, etc.

Why: Sure everyone wants to help when something horrible is going on in the world, but as the Pakistani floods just demonstrated, we have no real understanding of the proportion of need and urgency in the world. If there is an America's Most Wanted, why isn't there a World's Most Needed?

Who: There are already experts (ie. Jeffrey Sachs, Samantha Power, Nicholas Kristof...) who know where the greatest need is, so how about the United Nations or in partnership with some of the most well respected organizations (Acumen Fund, Virgin United, Clinton Foundation, Gates Foundation, One Campaign, The Sapling Foundation, The Red Cross...) creating a monthly, or as needed, joint press release highlighting the world's most current crises.

A simple sheet that breaks down the information into an easy format will allow journalists, teachers, politicians, etc. to snack on the info. When information is too overwhelming nothing gets digested or done.

My suggestion for a person to lead this idea is Jacqueline Novogratz. She has the business brilliance and connections (not to mention the perfect partner in Chris Anderson) to assemble the right people. What's in it for her? It would draw even more attention to the amazing work she and her organization, the Acumen Fund, are doing and give her an even bigger megaphone to help the world.

Here >> H.I. << are a few more thoughts on logistics and distribution of the HOPE Index. And below is a quick example of the summary I am talking about:

Again, this is not the start of a new charity or organization it is the spotlight that George Clooney called for in his speech. It is taking what people are unaware of, already working on, or concerned about and providing a simple bite-sized way to communicate the information. Instead of the worst dressed lists, best seller list, America's Most Wanted, or weekly movie box-office stats, lets compile and digest some real information and bring attention to how HOPE can HELP.

Inspire It Forward!

I was living my life purpose this week, which is to be Solar: light myself up with enough knowledge and inspiration to hopefully touch others with my energy. It took me a long time to realize I can only change myself and not others and the same goes with inspiration.

We can't inspire others, we can only absorb inspiration and inspire ourselves and sometimes that rubs off and inspires others. Four people told me something I did inspired them this week. One story I can share is the loop of inspiration with Keith Ferrazzi. Keith is the author of Never Eat Alone & Who Got You Back, both books that have inspired me. I have been author-stalking Keith for a while now and the other day he sent out a tweet about one of his followers who wrote an article about letting everyone you know know that you are in job search. So I decided to follow his advice and let him know about my Joyful Job Bounty. To my delight he retweeted my info and added "How clever!"

Well clever is as clever does, so after he kept promoting his upcoming Relationship Mastery Academy program I asked if he would take me on as a member on scholarship and if his techniques worked I would gladly repay him (plus match a donation to his favorite charity). He loved the idea of a scholarship program for those in job search and offered a 50% scholarship (need some skin in the game) to me and 9 others (apply if you'd be interested).

Here is the thing: he inspired me > I inspired him > he is inspiring me again (along with others who are inspired by the tweets and scholarships offered).

Lesson learned: don't focus on inspiring others. Focus on inspiring yourself and living fully self-expressed in that inspiration, and you will inspire others by example. Nothing pays-it-forward more than lighting ourselves up and in doing so we... Inspire It Forward!

06/02/10 UPDATE: And the inspiration continues to flow... see Keith's mention of me in his blog > http://su.pr/1Vq66w 
02/01/2011 UPDATE: I am now working for Keith! I am the Community Manager for his Business Relationship Masters Academy... life is weird and wonderful J

Live The JOY

 

Two weeks ago I am talking to my agent about my new book, and she starts to tell me what needs to be changed, added, flushed out... ugh! It's not that I don't value her opinion (she's brilliant) but I thought I was finished with it and I wanted to move on to the next step. SMACK! That is what I want to do in my whole life. Learn something, move on. Finish a project, what's next?

I hate the concept of everything being a "process". I like to finish things, celebrate the win and then move to next thing. I think I got that from grade school where you finish a grade get your report card, play for the summer and then with new school supplies in hand start the next one. Clearly I am not good in limbo.

After these notes from her I realized I was not being very joyful, as a matter of fact I was a bit of a brat. And that's when it hit me... how can I write a book about Finding Joy when I am not living it every day. Sure the inspiration of the book is the transformation I underwent when I was in the worst time of my life and how I got my life out of that ditch. But I am not truly living my message fully if I really think about it. I found the formula for Joy, but I haven't been practicing the hard grit work of living in Joy.

So, I am going to practice what I preach. I am going to be Finding Joy in my life, and I would like you to come along. The basis of my Me Mapping technique that the book is based on is to diagram out your life and to pick something to declutter in your life, something to engage with or enhance and something to be grateful for. I use the Circle of Joy graphic above to illustrate how momentum can build in our lives when we continuously:
 -     declutter  
+     engage   
☺   appreciate  


This being May 1st what a great time to start living the life I am committed to. Here is some of what I will be working on in the next month: I will be 
 -       decluttering my office of all unnecessary paperwork 
+      engaging with my physical fitness in the form of exercising/body work daily
☺     personally thanking someone for their contribution in my life weekly

What would you like to transform in your life? Pick 3 things to work on and let me know how it is going for you. Where and how are you Finding Your Joy?

JOYFUL JOB BOUNTY... Who's Got My Back?!

As of April 1st I will be available for my next adventure, so I was contemplating the smartest and most efficient way to find a new gig. Sure, I have some ideas and strategies up my sleeve (honestly a few things I've already tried that haven't bloomed yet) but it occurred to me I don't know everyone I need to know to land one of my ideal jobs today. And frankly it is too tough out there and I am too impatient to not give my destiny a big push.

Then it hit me, I have an amazing agent that landed me my fabulous first book deal, why not enlist an agent to find me a great gig? Better yet, why not enroll the people who know me and already think I'm brilliant and create an army of agents out there all touting me at once?

Keith Ferrazzi is a business thought leader and author and his big idea is that no one can get to their greatness alone. We all need to ask for and provide help to each other if we want to truly succeed in life. And he is right. Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help because I like to think of myself as the helper. But when I turn it around, I am actually helping people help me! Yah that's the ticket, I can still be a helper and give the gift of letting others know how valuable and amazing they are. It's a win-win!

And that is how the JOYFUL JOB BOUNTY was hatched. I came up with the idea of letting others help me find a company/ client/ project that could use my help and in return I'll reward them with a lucrative 10% bounty. Actually that makes this a win-win-win!

My end goal is to find a gig that is a fit for me, and spread the karma by sharing my good fortune with those who helped me land the opportunity. If you would like to play, I would love to have you on my team.  Check out www.joysjob.com for details.

I'd Like To Thank... And You?

For the last couple of years the Academy Awards has had a segment where prior to the award being given the Best Actor and Actress are acknowledged by a tribute from one of their peers. This is one of my favorite parts of the show. Only one out of those five nominees is going to win the Oscar but to get a gushing minute tribute in front of the world- well, that's a pretty nice consolation prize.

This leads me to my Oscar Challenge: write your speech and find a way to give it. As an author I got to write an acknowledgment page in the back of my book and for my next book I'll get to do it again. But, there is no reason everyone can't do one. Why should you "waste" your time? First, it is fun and heart warming to think about who means enough in your life to be thanked. Second, what is a greater gift to give than to acknowledge people that make your life what it is?

Give it at the next family dinner, when you are out for burgers with your friends, your next business conference, write a blog about it, or a LinkedIn recommendation for someone.  Or go one step further and put it out in the Universe that you will win an award some day and use it as motivation to propel yourself into that situation (maybe it isn't an Oscar, but in some field that you are extraordinary in). Golly even just write it out and send in a letter. If you struggle to write it, maybe you need to take that as hint that it's time to attract more thank-worthy people into your life or simply stop being so stingy with your praise.

Either way, thank someone whether it is heard by millions or just them- it truly is golden.

The Joy of LOVE

There are a few choices to pick from when you're single on Valentine's Day:

• Bitter Cynic: sometimes momentarily satisfying but not at all very attractive.
• Valentines Denier: ignoring it which is hard to do when it's V-Day for a whole weekend.
• Love Optimist: remember the V-Days you were in love hopeful that you will find love again soon.
• Lover of Love: powerful creative and embracer of love in all forms who makes love happen.

I choose the latter. Even though it is rather sickening to be bombarded with all the gushing and goo of those excited because they are in love (especially true of the newly in-love), there is power in working your love muscle (not that one, focus people). 

I believe in the energy flow of our thoughts and mental engagement. If we turn our hearts and minds away from love and the celebration of it, we are blocking good energy that might be on its way to us. Afterall, the more loving and powerful you are the more attractive you appear to others. Who wants to date a cynic (ok, other cynics, but that is not who we want to end up with)?!

My strategy for counteracting love resistance is to embrace and be grateful for the love already in my life. Self love, family love, friend love, and for goodness sake the love of HUMANITY!

I went out last night with a single friend who is dealing with a sick mother and we went and saw the chick flick Valentine's Day (which was better than I thought it would be). In the past I have babysat for my BFF so she and her husband could go on a date (the first time out of house without formal plans in a year). We all have love to give and if we focus on where it can benefit others we don't actually give it away, we multiply it. 

So, I say don't be cynical (your turn will come); don't be in denial (it keeps you from gifting others you love)... instead be an optimist, be a giver, be lovely by multiplying the love you have.

Wishing everyone lots of LOVE♥


And just in time, if you are looking for love, my pal Amy Spencer's new book Meeting Your Half-Orange is out this week.