🚨Warning: Do not read this post if you don't want to know about my sexlife 😜
I'm great in bed!
Not bragging but I just know my strengths: bad at dating, great at sex 😉
This is a continuation from the last post because with dating comes sex and I think we should talk about it. I believe there are two keys to being great in bed:
I do not do casual sex. Like Sally, I am all mushy and oxytocin'd* up after a good session and so I don't do that unless I feel comfortable and connected with someone. Here are the top things I do to feel safe when dating/sexing:
Keep My Number Private
If you're on the apps the goal is to get off the apps... but DO NOT give anyone your number until after the first date and you know you want to go on a second. Just say:
I don't give out my number until after our first date for my own safety and privacy.
There are a couple reasons for this: the main one is to avoid scammers that want your data/info but the other is that they'll Google you and know all about you before they even meet you. I had a guy tell me that he had looked me up and I was what he was looking for because he had seen a lot about me online. He did give me his info after he told me that and he was not a creepy stalker, but I want them to meet me first before they think they know me. If they push you, it's a 🚩
Meet in the Middle
For the first few dates I always ask to meet in the middle of where we both live. Main reason is I don't want them knowing where I live nor even put on the table that they might be coming back home with me. Also, I want to keep my favorite local places to myself until I know I wouldn't mind seeing them there if things didn't work out.
How They Breakup
Before you start things with anyone it's good to know how things might end. One for your safety but also for your mental health. Did they have a mutual parting with the last few people they dated; did someone end up crushed; are all their exes crazy? How they've done it in the past is how things will likely end with you. Are they mature, communicative, kind, sane or are they a manipulative asshole? You're going to get naked with them, it's OK to ask, and if they're a jerk about it don't give them that honor!
You must use condoms. Don't care if they say they do not have STIs or were recently tested. People lie. Lie about what they have and who they are doing. I've had friends who have caught everything from herpes to HIV to ended up pregnant- so use protection. And this is also a good way to tell if they respect their body and yours too. No condom, no sex.
Is there even the hint of violence in how they treat you, how they talk to you if they don't get their way, how they refer to their exes or anyone else in their life?
If so, RUN!! Your safety is the most important thing ever. You can't take a chance on this and you can't change anyone, so RUN! They are not your person: Period.
You're going to want to feel safe and good about sleeping with someone, but what if things don't go well? Will you regret being with them? Don't sleep with anyone you'll be devastated to have walk away after because unfortunately some will.
Start with You
The key to good sex with someone else is to start with good sex with yourself. I have great sex with my partner because I know what turns me on and how to get myself off. I love it when I'm being sexual with someone because I'm there to not only participate in their pleasure but help them help me get to where we both want to be... if you know what I mean, and I know that you do 😁
We're not kids anymore and so as middle-aged people it's a bit ridiculous to be paradise-by-the-dashboard-light-ing it with sex. I don't need to get them to promise to love me in the mooorrrrning and make me their wife... I simply don't want to jump right into bed before I know and really like them. Yet, I also get it's confusing to know what is respectful when things start getting hot and heavy. And I for sure do not enjoy Wonder Woman-ing it and having to bing-bing-bing ward off advances. So my solution, and hold the judgement until you try it, is to map it out. Now come on, I mean you really should have seen this one coming- ha! Once sex comes up, I think it's a good idea to sketch out on a napkin or in iNotes what will work for you.
A NOOKy List is used to spell out what you find the No's and the Ok's of fooling around. Get it... Nooky!! 😂
As far as how long to wait and what'll work for you, I have no idea. I've tried to use Matchmaker Maria's 12-date Rule. Her philosophy is that you're all hormone'd up and not thinking rationally the first several dates so if you want a real connection with someone you should wait until you know if you're truly a match and 12-dates is a good number to get beyond chemistry and into compatibility.
And there is no saying you can't, if you feel safe and connected, change your mind and go for it sooner. Just keep in mind how they make you feel. I once had a guy say he respected my boundaries, even if he tries to test them. Uhm, you don't test someone's boundaries if they told you directly what they are, that's the very definition of not respecting them. Clearly, should have been my 🚩
Once you decide you're ready: go for it and have fun! Sex is a natural, thrilling, wonderful way to connect with another human being. It's a special gift but not one to be hidden away or shamed about or put up on a shelf because we're no longer 20-yr-old hotties. Once you find someone you feel safe with get your sexy on and have a Happy Happy time!
Life is short~ date, sex & if you don't find your love, keep doing it until you do ❤️
*The love/bonding hormone that leads to feeling all loved up.