How to Happy

 

When I posted my theme for the year [Happy Happy!] three weeks back I had an old friend post this:

Listen, the name of this space is Finding JOY because that is what I work on and practice. It doesn't mean I've got it figured out, it means here is where I explore finding more joy in my life.

But hey, if someone asks for directions and I have even the faintest idea where to head I try and point the way. So after a few weeks of pondering here are my 3 main keys on how to happy... 

First you should know as a youngster I was a pretty happy kid. Sure there was the heartbreak of getting my first bike and not being able to find a license-plate with my name on it like all the other kids had. But even that upset was a reflection of my greatest gift: my name. 

My mother named me Joy, so it was like a built-in quest. I couldn't be a moody mean girl if I had such a friendly upbeat name. I won't ever know for sure but I think I had no other choice but to try and be at least a little bit happy. 

Now let's be clear, when I turned 8 things did actually become less than ideal when my parents divorced while I was just becoming a preteen. My life was not super-duper for many years, but I still tried to look for the good stuff and things were mostly hunky-dory. Did I love being one of the tallest girls in class? Nope. Did I enjoy having to live in two places? Not quite. Did I relish being the mother-hen to my siblings and having to grow up prematurely fast- no, no I did not! But this takes me to my first nugget on happiness... 

🤔   When I was around 16 I was over at my friend Linda's house when we were complaining about something (I'm gonna guess boy-related) and looking up from eating his lunch her father, a man who had come to the US from Germany after having lived through WWII as a child, slammed his hand down on the table and exclaimed: 

You silly girls, even on your worst day millions would gladly trade places with you. 

Talk about a life lesson from the source of real knowing. He had seen some horrible things when he was our age and it must have been beyond annoying to hear us be so ridiculous. 

So the first place to look for happy is in: Perspective. 

 

🙏   That lesson hit me hard and has stayed with me for over 30 years, but it doesn't mean I don't forget it all the time. So its companion lesson is: Gratitude. Because not only would millions want to be us but they would be truly grateful to have even a small portion of what we've been lucky enough to possess.

 
And I'm not talking the latest iPhone, I'm talking a toilet. A decade ago I came across a posting for World Toilet Day (Nov. 19th) to raise awareness that even in these modern times 4.2 billion people do not have access to clean drinking water and safe sanitation. Think about that! 

Anytime I'm being bratty or grumpy I remind myself how lucky I am. My friends sometimes get annoyed because I'll often say there is nothing to be upset about if we have running water and a toilet. Mostly I'm joking, but not really. 

When Mr. Klemm said millions would trade places with us, it's actually probably BILLIONS! 💩

💀   Ok, by now you might be thinking: alright Joy enough with the goodie-goodie aren't we lucky to be living in today's times and have basic creature comforts. I've got some stuff to be really unhappy about!

Well to that I would say: Yay you!! Because if you've got real problems then you've got a real life and are alive to figure those things out. 

See because the other big life lesson I learned is Memento Mori: Remember that you die!

This Latin phrase has been used by religions and philosophers over the ages to remind us that life is impermanent and we need to therefore cherish the time we have alive. So if you are having a hard time or suffering in any way I know it's difficult but try and remember that we are all lucky to be alive even through the sucky times in life. The alternative is to not be unhappy at all, ever 😬

Again, I don't have it all figured out but when I contemplated what to share with Sheryl this is what came to mind. Several specifics on other life topics popped up as well, so for the next few months I'm going to write a bit about other ways I try and be happy. If you have any topics you'd like me to opine on please send me a comment/note and I'll see if I can include them.

I have hope that 2022 is going to be wonderful and I have perspective, gratitude and death to point me in this direction. Come follow along with Sheryl and me as we explore it even further. Cheers to teenage angst, toilets, time here together and finding the JOY and the Happy  🤗

Pace Yourself

My motto for this surreal time in our lives to myself or anyone I speak with is: pace yourself.

In early March I had been at a conference in Houston (traveling through two airports) just when the rumblings that we were going to need to be more careful with handshaking had begun. Most thought it was just hype. No urgency, little concern.

By March 12th I had been sent home from work sick-  still believe it was just a regular cold as I never got a fever or the cough. Since that time most people have also been sent home. Now that we're in week 7,  just pacing myself has kept me sane (-ish 😜).

Here's what I mean by that.. be concerned when things warrant it, laid back when they don't. Rise to the occasion if I'm needed, let things go when I'm not. I check in with my friends that are essential workers or having a hard time but don't get dramatic- not helpful. I'm working during the day and zooming most nights, but if I need to handle something I do it when the timing is right not necessarily by the clock on the wall.

People are anxious to get back into their routines, their offices/jobs, get their hair done and be served a sit down meal- I get it. I do. Not everyone thrives in their homes all day. This is where my gift for calmness kicks in. I can live like this for a very long time. Don't want to, but I can. And I know we all have different lifestyles and concerns but in order to not drive ourselves nuts we need to find the pace that works for us. Here's a couple of things that have worked for me or that I'm at least trying to practice:

• Meditation: I am a regular meditator but I've been even more diligent about checking in with my zen while this craziness is all around us. Normally I use Headspace but I've been grateful that this Oprah & Deepak Hope In Uncertain Times one is now free to use. If you're tense- or even if you think you're not -deep breaths make everything better (of course away from others). 😌🙏
• Weekdays: Staying away from junk food (chocolate, sugar, chips) or alcohol during the week. And in bed by 11. Find what feels good for you so you're not beating yourself up but still staying as healthy as you can.
• Zooming: I'm on video-conferencing during the day for meetings and co-worker communications but now I am keeping in touch with my family and friends most nights as well. To keep things fun my family and I are doing theme calls (above was hat day). Take advantage of the tech that makes it possible to see people even when you're not seeing people. 
• Music: There is a singer I adore 😍who I see once or twice a year when I visit my sister in WI but now he's doing Facebook live shows so every Saturday I make myself an adult beverage, grab a little organizing project to do and sing and dance around the house and rock out with Phil Calkins.
• The other thing I've been really enjoying is cleaning to Parisian tunes. Makes me feel like I'm somewhere else even while folding laundry. 🎶
• Flowers: We need live things in our life so if you don't have a pet or person in your space grab some plants or flowers to pep up your place. It's a small expense (esp. at Trader Joes) for a much more happy day. 🌺😊🌷
• Love List: No need to wait until Thanksgiving! Make a list of the people you love and pick a couple to check in with each week. Doesn't need to be long talk, but call them and tell them you love them. Priceless! 🥰
• Forgive Everyone: Good idea even when not in a pandemic but especially great reminder- life is precious and most folks are doing their best. If this was actually the end of the world what would you want to have had said? 

These days I am not even pretending to play a doctor on Twitter- I really have no idea how the rest of the year is going to go. But I believe it's going to be a lot longer to get back to some sort of normal then most think; I'm guessing at least a year. So I'm doing what I can: being in touch with those I love, keeping expenses low, trying to be understanding of others moods and concerns, and mostly taking care of myself so I can take care of others when needed and others don't need to take care of me. 

This pause is a great time to declutter the rest of your home, reevaluate your lifestyle (mapping helps 😉), get back to essentialism, and rejoice in how grateful we are to be alive and well and living through this unprecedented time. 

And if that's too much to contemplate- no worries... just pace yourself however is going to work for you. Because I know it feels sad but it could be so so much worse.  All you need to do is live through this pandemic. Not perfectly, not even gracefully on days that's not possible, but just get through it. 

This isn't a sprint, isn't even a marathon, this might be our new way to be in the world. Instead of running yourself down find what will make that ok for you. For me, I've found to make JOY out of this situation I need to pace myself. 

Stay healthy, well and joyful 🤗

Starting With ME = More Joyful WE!

People say they love their kids. Would do anything for them… give a kidney, run through fire, or protect them from any outsider who wanted to harm them. I believe this to be true.

Ok, great. How about giving them their happiest parent possible? How about 2 happy parents? Would they do that? Would You?

We think taking care of others means doing for them, giving them things, sacrificing our time, energy and money so they can have. No denying that is a part of the equation but many times it’s not and shouldn’t be the key factor. It’s totally un-pc to say this but our happiness is what makes or breaks our relationships and kids. We can’t be exhausted, unfulfilled, uninspired, unhealthy, un-loved-up and expect our family to thrive. Our overall joy☺ is predicated on how happy and healthy we are and how much we have left to share with others. If we’re drained we have nothing to give or we give the backwash.

I was talking with a friend about her sex life and no need to get into details but let’s just say as soon as she started feeling great about herself (working out, getting enough sleep, projects that inspired her) she felt happier and much sexier and her husband saw the benefits. He wanted her to get as happy as she could get if that was the result! They were better as a couple when each were happy individually and came together to create a more joyful home. The Joy Math supposes that what we bring into the equation of partnership has to be greater or equal then what we expect to get out of it. We can't be with someone in whatever capacity (love, friendship, work) and expect them to add more then we are willing to give ourselves. 

It’s far more difficult and unpleasant to be married to, parented by, work with, or be friends with someone who is not flourishing. There are obvious negative-nellies who everyone can clearly see are draining their kids, partner, co-workers and friends, but I’m not talking about that necessarily. I’m more referring to the numb-ers who do, do, do for others and don't give the same or equal to themselves. They numb their needs down which in-turn sets a bad example for their kids of how to live a fulfilling life. Or who are wasting a great marriage by just being in it- not engaging with their love like a lover. And I don’t just mean sex, I mean enjoying life and being with them like it’s an adventure and loveaffair worthy of what they want to create as a family.

Ask your love if they would like to see the happiest most joyful you?

Ask yourself if you don't love seeing them when they're loving their life?

A great way to start is to create your own ME Map and see what is working and not in your current life and start making small increments of change using the Circle Of JOY.

I’m finalizing my WE (Mapping) Workshop, coming this Fall, and one of the key points I’ve found is we can’t be truly happy with someone else if we’re not making our own joy a priority. 

Starting with ME makes us a way better WE!