How to Happy

 

When I posted my theme for the year [Happy Happy!] three weeks back I had an old friend post this:

Listen, the name of this space is Finding JOY because that is what I work on and practice. It doesn't mean I've got it figured out, it means here is where I explore finding more joy in my life.

But hey, if someone asks for directions and I have even the faintest idea where to head I try and point the way. So after a few weeks of pondering here are my 3 main keys on how to happy... 

First you should know as a youngster I was a pretty happy kid. Sure there was the heartbreak of getting my first bike and not being able to find a license-plate with my name on it like all the other kids had. But even that upset was a reflection of my greatest gift: my name. 

My mother named me Joy, so it was like a built-in quest. I couldn't be a moody mean girl if I had such a friendly upbeat name. I won't ever know for sure but I think I had no other choice but to try and be at least a little bit happy. 

Now let's be clear, when I turned 8 things did actually become less than ideal when my parents divorced while I was just becoming a preteen. My life was not super-duper for many years, but I still tried to look for the good stuff and things were mostly hunky-dory. Did I love being one of the tallest girls in class? Nope. Did I enjoy having to live in two places? Not quite. Did I relish being the mother-hen to my siblings and having to grow up prematurely fast- no, no I did not! But this takes me to my first nugget on happiness... 

🤔   When I was around 16 I was over at my friend Linda's house when we were complaining about something (I'm gonna guess boy-related) and looking up from eating his lunch her father, a man who had come to the US from Germany after having lived through WWII as a child, slammed his hand down on the table and exclaimed: 

You silly girls, even on your worst day millions would gladly trade places with you. 

Talk about a life lesson from the source of real knowing. He had seen some horrible things when he was our age and it must have been beyond annoying to hear us be so ridiculous. 

So the first place to look for happy is in: Perspective. 

 

🙏   That lesson hit me hard and has stayed with me for over 30 years, but it doesn't mean I don't forget it all the time. So its companion lesson is: Gratitude. Because not only would millions want to be us but they would be truly grateful to have even a small portion of what we've been lucky enough to possess.

 
And I'm not talking the latest iPhone, I'm talking a toilet. A decade ago I came across a posting for World Toilet Day (Nov. 19th) to raise awareness that even in these modern times 4.2 billion people do not have access to clean drinking water and safe sanitation. Think about that! 

Anytime I'm being bratty or grumpy I remind myself how lucky I am. My friends sometimes get annoyed because I'll often say there is nothing to be upset about if we have running water and a toilet. Mostly I'm joking, but not really. 

When Mr. Klemm said millions would trade places with us, it's actually probably BILLIONS! 💩

💀   Ok, by now you might be thinking: alright Joy enough with the goodie-goodie aren't we lucky to be living in today's times and have basic creature comforts. I've got some stuff to be really unhappy about!

Well to that I would say: Yay you!! Because if you've got real problems then you've got a real life and are alive to figure those things out. 

See because the other big life lesson I learned is Memento Mori: Remember that you die!

This Latin phrase has been used by religions and philosophers over the ages to remind us that life is impermanent and we need to therefore cherish the time we have alive. So if you are having a hard time or suffering in any way I know it's difficult but try and remember that we are all lucky to be alive even through the sucky times in life. The alternative is to not be unhappy at all, ever 😬

Again, I don't have it all figured out but when I contemplated what to share with Sheryl this is what came to mind. Several specifics on other life topics popped up as well, so for the next few months I'm going to write a bit about other ways I try and be happy. If you have any topics you'd like me to opine on please send me a comment/note and I'll see if I can include them.

I have hope that 2022 is going to be wonderful and I have perspective, gratitude and death to point me in this direction. Come follow along with Sheryl and me as we explore it even further. Cheers to teenage angst, toilets, time here together and finding the JOY and the Happy  🤗

Time Heals

Theodore Petkus Jr.
Jan 8, 1962 - July 23, 1995

20 years ago I lost the person I loved most in the world, Ted. He was my best friend, made me swoon when I saw him in his tux, and was the most witty and charming guy I had ever met. He was a ball of contradictions and complications but that made him all the more interesting and when he died I was devastated. In my twenties I couldn't imagine being in my forties and being OK. I mean I knew of course life would go on but I couldn't imagine how I would ever get over the loss.

I have. Mostly. My Ted-ache is less stabbing, less all encompassing. I hated the saying but now I do agree: time heals all wounds. Never fully mending but at least thankfully not heartbrokenly open and gushing. Bearable. Not that I don't still miss him all the time or get mad at all he's missing out on. He would love how cool technology has become and would for sure own an iPhone. He would enjoy watching Suits with me. He would love Millennium Park. 

Twenty years is a long time ago now and yet it went by really fast. I can only actually feel how long ago it is when I see pictures of how young we look. Although even looking at pictures of myself now I can't believe I am twenty years older. That's what time does-- it seems to creep by but really it goes by all too swiftly.

Now when friends get upset about anything I sometimes have been known to ask:

                   Is anyone dead? and Will it really matter in 5 years?

Because when you lose someone, and I have lost two of the men I loved, a lot of things seem silly to be upset about. Not that I am above diving into drama when I'm tired or annoyed or have forgotten... but I almost always catch myself because I never want to get separated from how fragile life is that I let something really stupid get me down.

I don't think of Ted every day now. Sometimes I don't even think of him weekly. But when the moments come they can be intense... but, then they pass. And I feel how lucky I am to have known him. To have laughed with him. And to selfishly be happy for another day to miss him. He wouldn't want me wasting too much time mourning, he wanted me to live a great life. I'm trying. And when I feel sad I know every year it gets easier to be with the sadness. Not because it's not there but because I'm stronger and I have healed the heartache a little with each passing year. 

If you are sad about anything I hope you're getting strength and peace from wherever you can. And my wish is that time will help heal you too. 

Time To Have... The TALK

The Death TALK w. Chat-About-Checklist from Joy Meredith

The TALK, depending on where you are in life could mean: getting married, time to have a baby, explaining sex to your curious kid, or the dreaded breaking up. But, if you're in the sandwich phase of life, kids and aging parents, then it's about Death.

Already cringing? Don't! Having a conversation about life and death is one of the responsibilities of adulthood and trust me it's way, way worse if you don't have it. And although every once and awhile one goes off the rails, most lead to a reaffirming gratitude that you've said what you wanted to say on the issue and relief that now you can get back to living a life worthy of a good death.

When I was writing my book My Last Wishes... folks, especially strangers, would always tell me of some horrible story of a family torn apart by the mess a death left in its wake. At this very moment I have more then a couple of friends living through nightmarish aftermaths of parents who never got around to getting their affairs in order. And let me be clear, a conversation even in front of all parties involved won't stop all the chaos if there is already bad blood; but having the talk about death gets the basics wishes on the table and are at least a starting point.

Speaking of tables, I was delighted to find out that there is a new trend hitting the dinner party circuit called Death Over Dinner. People in over 250 cities are throwing events on August 24th to kick off this grassroots movement. Wish I'd known sooner I would have totally hosted one- any friends interested? Anyway, I love the idea of it and will absolutely participate next year.

Sure death discussions probably aren't as much fun as discussing winning the lottery over chocolate fondue... but imagine how connected you'll be to others knowing how they feel about embarking on life's last great adventure. And as TEDTalk speaker Michael Hebb, who started the conversation says: looking at death has taught me how to live.

Amazon

Look at life, talk about death... let's not avoid the topic and not say what needs to be said leaving everyone we love with a pile of sadness and frustration when we're no longer here. You're better than that. So whether over a nice dinner with friends, or a quiet Sunday afternoon with your parents and/or spouse have the talk. Above you will find my Chat-About-Checklist slidedeck taken from MLW... that serves as a summary and springboard to the key topics you'll want to touch on. And if you're really ready to dive in get my book and leave it all on the table :)

I wish you the most wonderful life and, when it's your time, a very good death.