Scheduling Your Suffering & Sadness

Yesterday I got sucked in... I heard about the bombing at the Boston Marathon and turned on the news and couldn't turn away for a full four hours. My friend Karyn was running the marathon and just last week we were talking about how excited and nervous she was, so to think she might have been in the area when the bomb went off was terrifying. She and her family are safe but I couldn't help think about all the people who were injured and the families and friends waiting to find out if they were ok.

Last night I had to take a shower at 7pm just to wash the ickiness of the worry and sadness off of me. Luckily today it is sunny and I haven't had the tv on yet and have limited my online exposure to the aftermaths. The people affected will live with the nightmare for weeks, months, probably their lifetimes, but for the rest of us we must get back to our lives. Giving blood, donations, checking in with loved ones are all good things to do but we can't get stuck in fear and sadness and let evil, tragedy, and negativity invade the rest of our lives.


Thinking about this reminded me of when my Nonne was dying. She was totally aware she had only a little time left to live and it was within months of my sister's wedding. She was sick the weekend of my sister's shower and when we thought of rescheduling or someone staying with her she said: always go to the happy event. Her philosophy was that we should never give up happiness to wallow in sadness. We took lots of pictures of the beautiful, fun, happy shower and she loved seeing them.

Later that same year I was taking a Landmark Education course and there is an exercise they do were you write down something you are suffering about and they guarantee by the time you complete the exercise your suffering will be gone. I won't give away the details but let's just say at the end of the night I was the only one left still suffering about something and the instructors had no idea what to do with me-- apparently no one had ever not stopped their suffering. What can I say, I'm gifted!

Anyway, on my drive home I am now suffering about how my suffering is so extraordinary that it can't be resolved. I climb into bed exhausted and of course as it almost always does my mind woke me up at 3 a.m. with the answer. Life isn't about not having sadness and suffering in it, it's about understanding why we're in pain and putting it in its proper place. The image came to me of boxes on a shelf that you can't ever get rid of but that you take out and "play" with when you want or need to think about something or someone then you put them back when you're tired of being sad.

The bottom line is if we thought about all the tragedy in the world we would never get out of bed. Yet, if we ignore the suffering and sadness that life has handed us we'll numb ourselves to the joys too. We need to feel things, we need to be sad, occasionally it is good to suffer a little. So schedule yourself some time for a good cry, a sad movie, a date with Ben & Jerry, or give in when the world is in mourning. And when you're done then it's time to put it where it belongs and get to the party. Go to the happy! Because that's what we're here for and that's what our Nonnes, and anyone who loves us, hell... humanity needs and wants for us.

UPDATE: Here's Karyn's post about her experience at marathon: http://t.co/fNcsdnSw4P

Wildest Dreams Club

When Oprah's show was ending I wrote her a letter about her part in inspiring me to get my book deal and how instead of a book club I wanted to start a:

Wildest Dreams Club 

After I wrote about it in a blog post I began asking my friends on their birthdays what their wildest dream was... trust me you don't know your friends fully until you know their wildest dreams!

Why must you have a wildest dream in the first place? Because people who live through their kids are boring and set a horrible example to the exact kids they are trying so hard to raise. Parenting is important, I would even say it's the most important life's work a person can take on, but that said, it can't be the only thing someone does. If you are only living through someone else's dream you are letting a part of yourself die and someday you'll regret it- no matter how perfect your kids turn out. And this is true for only living for your work as well if it's simply a paycheck and not something that brings out your passion.

Not only does living into a dream make you more excited about your own life it adds a new dimension to your relationship. People want to be inspired and proud of their partners, and only talking about and making time for the kids and work is not the most engaging way to connect with your love. Very little is good about divorce but a great after-effect that can be practiced, even (especially) while in a happy marriage, is taking some time out for oneself. Don't wait until you have an empty nest or weekend visitation breaks to work on something that excites you. It doesn't need to be completely world changing it could be a great garden, running a race, taking up painting, travel-- who cares, just find something that you can have passion about and that you can dream and live into.

One of my dreams is to be around people that are enlivened to actively work on their dreams. I believe the old adage is true: you are the sum of the people you spend the most time with. And I want my sum to include people who are leading interesting engaged lives and inspire me to live my best life.

So I'm excited to announce I am hosting my first Wildest Dreams Club dream-together on April 20th. It is by invite only for the people who have done the CREATING2013 workshop. If interested please register and I'll contact you with details (past participants already have received invites). For dates & details of future events see workshop information.

Now you might not live near me or want (for some odd reason) to attend the workshop- no worries, start your own club. Get together people you think will be supportive of others, have some chutzpah, and have a dream of their own. Meet regularly, declare your dreams, see how you can assist each other and build into it anything else you think will make it your own. (Love to hear about it if you do!)

Life goes by so fast, and there are so many things that can bring us down... living into our dreams, even if it takes us a lifetime, is well worth the time and energy spent.

Happy -and Wild- Dreaming!!!

Overwhelmed at the thought of creating a WILD dream? Feel free to start here:

Backburnering Your Unreciprocal Friends

Friendships are meant to ebb and flow with the pace or changes in our lifestyles. In high school we can barely go hours without talking (or kids these days: texting) to our friends, in college we miss a roommate that goes home for merely the weekend. As we mature and get on with building our own lives and families we might go weeks, months, years without being in contact with those we could not get by 72 hours without seeing.

When we get older it's more likely friendships go through phases of lopsidedness when someone has young children, a new job, new romance or a health issue. The balance might be more one-sided while the other person is in need. And in the long run it evens out for committed friends and they are happy to take up the slack in those times.

That's all good and fine if that is happening on both ends, but what do we do with friendships we're still committed to that are not flourishing as they once did and they get way out of balance?

Unreciprocal relationships build resentment. When one person makes more effort on a continuous basis the friendship gets overly lopsided and it strains both sides. The friend who is making the greater effort starts to resent the other, the other then begins to feel put-upon; it just doesn't work. How can you maintain a friendship without feeling taken advantage of and drained by the friends who are just not that into you?

First, see if the relationship has simply run its course and it's time to let it just fade away. If that's so better to let it die its natural death. If the relationship is still worth something but you are tired of being taken for granted then it's time to backburner it. Backburning a friendship is just letting it simmer without adding anything more to it. Stop investing in the relationship or simply downgrade it. Mindy on The Mindy Project amusingly refers to friendships this way: Best friend is not a person, it's a tier. Whether with BFFs or secondary friends maybe it's time to take them down a tier or two if you find the friendship lacking.

There is no need for drama or hissy fits like in grade-school just take it down a notch and if it is meant to be rebuilt let the other person come back and make some effort. If not, then sorry to say they probably aren't really your friend anymore.

As sad as ending or backburnering friendships are there are many other people out there who would love and appreciate your friendship so now you'll have the time and energy to go find them. And don't take it personally or let it taint the fond memories you've had; sometimes we outgrow friends, gasp- they outgrow us, or we've just grown in different directions. In the end if we're meant to stay friends maybe a slow simmer on a different tier (yes, I'm mixing my metaphors) is all that is needed to eventually bring the friendship back to the top of the tiers.

That Is Not My Circus. Those Are Not My Monkeys!

Not my circus, not my monkeys is Polish (nie moj cyrk, nie moje malpy) for not my problem.

When is something our business and when are we the keepers of the monkeys? Quick answer: almost never our business, almost never our monkeys.

Have you ever been more invested in someone's problem then they even seem to be? I have and it's bananas! The better use of our time, energy, and focus is to worry about our own monkeys, our own circus goings on. Even with those closest to us, rarely is anything we say going to make a huge impact. People do what they want. So the key is to focus on ourselves and tend to our own business and tame our own monkeys.  

Worried about slacking off co-workers? Don't- that's not your monkey- just focus on making your work its best. Concerned how your siblings marriage is going? Not your monkey- your energy would be better spent engaging in your own relationship. Over-parenting your kids? Even when it comes to your own little monkeys it's better to show them by example how you: reach for your dreams, live up to your commitments, respect your body, treat your friends, etc. In this case: monkeys see, monkeys do.

It is often said if you want to be a better person help others-- I say work on ourselves first and then everyone we come in contact with benefits. Start under your own bigtop and dealing with your own monkeys and people will be inspired by the example you're setting. Or they won't and they'll continue to live in their drama... but either way you'll be happy with less circus-chaos and more peace with everyone keeping their monkeys to themselves.

The Daughter Test

Ugh! It is hard to be non-judgmental of the judgmental. How can anyone be against equality for all?

This week the Supreme Court is hearing two issues that affect marriage equality and so many on Facebook and Twitter are using the above avatar to voice their support. I'm not sure there will be one ounce of sway touching the SCOTUS but I think it is important that people voice their support even so. 

I'm not married and am not planning on it anytime soon, but as a gal who likes to keep her options open I find it so odd that whether or not I could would hinge on who I love and where I lived. So I could fall in love and marry a man in Illinois but not a women in California?

Let's get back to the people who want to marry... why should someone who has benefited from marriage be able to tell others they can't? 

Last week Republican Senator from Ohio, Rob Portman, announced his support for marriage equality. He did this because his son Will came out to him two years prior and he had finally felt it was time to speak up on the topic. Sure, it's nice of Sen Portman to stick up for his son- even if it took him a few years and being bypassed as a VP candidate- but why shouldn't the test of passing laws be: how would you vote if it affected your daughter? And I use daughter on purpose because I wonder how many of the politicians now passing anti-abortion laws would prevent their daughters from having one in the case of rape. 

Do we really need to wait for our politics to become so personal? Let's instead consider healthcare, unemployment, rights to our bodies, equality, poverty, starting wars, etc. not as someone else's issues. Instead ask:

What would you do if it was your daughter? 

And then, act accordingly.

Bomb Throwing Cowards

Sunday I watched a wonderful interview Oprah did with Dr. Brene Brown and it was filled with so many great thoughts and truths. But the first one that struck me has stayed with my now for the last three days. She was sharing how she came up with the title of her most recent book Darling Greatly and I won't spoil the story for you but part of it stemmed from people posting rude comments after she did a TEDXTalk. Mostly focused on saying mean things about her looks. After she came upon a quote from Theodore Roosevelt she was determined to not pay attention to people not in the arena and putting themselves in the game. She challenged anonymous commenters to:

Put your name on it. Own it!

OWN station irony aside... BRAVO, Brene, Bravo!!!!

One of the beautiful things about technology is that we have instant access to communicate with more people than ever; the downside is more people can hide behind a screen typing things they would never say to someone's face in real life. And here is the thing: her talk was wonderful, she is a beautiful woman, and she was asked to speak, she wasn't hollering at someone in the town-square. Those nasty people came to the posted talk, chose to watch it, and the only criticism they could come up with was cheap shots at her appearance?

If an accomplished woman allowed herself to be wounded by these cowards, imagine what teens and kids go through when they are bullied and don't have the intellect and experience to put these barbs aside?!

I was still mulling this over when I attended a talk last night by Arundhati Roy, part of which adressed the 10 year anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. While I don't agree with all her views, she nailed it when it came to the wars we have fought this decade and the destruction and cost they have wreaked.

Obviously some hurtful comments are not even remotely comparable to the loss of life and harm caused in a war-- however there is a connection between how easily we throw around words and actions and then avoid owning, standing behind, and cleaning up the aftermath.

Dick Cheney even today claims he would do it all over again (a person who conveniently deferred his military service). President George Bush is at home painting self-portraits of himself in the bath while soldiers and their families are trying to put back together their lives if they've been lucky enough to still be here. 

I am not a pacifist,  I think war is sometimes necessary. But I don't think the last two were worth it and the Iraq War was a foreseeable mistake. And I would resolutely say this to all involved.

We should never be fearful of speaking up, sticking up for convictions, or even going at someone if our lives or country depends on it... but even with minor things like TEDTalk comments, let it not be us throwing bombs and leaving a path of destruction for others to live with. The very least we can do is: put our names on our thoughts, words, and actions... and own it!

People, Time Has Come To Parent Up!

Today is International Women's Day, which is a national holiday in many countries including: China, Russia, and Afghanistan. The day is designed to celebrate and push forward the rights and place of women in society. Instead of going on about what is needed to ensure the safety, let alone the education and advancement of women in other countries, I'm going to focus on the state of how parents raise children that makes this day even necessary.

As I see it we only need this sort of day to start with because Mothers and Fathers have raised children that oppress, rape, demean, kill, and let's even take it to the basics... bully other people.

For the last week there has been big buzz in the publishing, business, and social media worlds about Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer. Are they good role-models, good feminists, good bosses? The press on Ms. Sandberg and her new book Lean In and the movement she is trying to launch with it is hostile enough. No wonder few women leaders want to start these important conversations. Does she have all the answers- of course not. But, is she trying to be part of the solution- hell yes!

People assume that things are the way they are in business because it's a man's world and part of the criticism regarding Lean In is that women should change the rules vs play by already established (read: men's) rules. To me the only way to build in velocity and real change for women's equality is for women to stop raising weak daughters and sexist sons. And this goes for fathers too!

For the life of me I can't understand how anyone, let alone mothers, can give money and still support a church that only allows male leaders and let's many of them commit or cover up child rape. But people still raise there children to respect that sort of institution. Same thing with business, violence as entertainment, etc.

If in our homes we raise the children to believe that daddy is the boss, the bread winner, the decider- what message do we send both our daughters and sons? Misogynist men don't create themselves. And women aren't the only ones who want this to change. The great majority of men out there don't want to be around these guys either and aren't happy with the conditions the women they love have to put up with. Real men know true manning up means respecting yourself enough to treat women with respect.

Now women who allow abuse, either verbal or physical, in their homes send a strong message about what girls should put up with and what boys have the right to do. Men who treat their wives (or employees) poorly show their sons they don't need to respect women and their daughters it's ok to be second class citizens. It's as blatant as alluding to how much more important of a job he has, or that money from his job is more important then what Mommy does.... or as subtle as the emphasis on boys' sports games vs daughters' activities. There are loving parents who don't realize the differing messages they send their kids.

If we want the world to treat women better and as equals we need to start with raising kids with respect for all. Teach our daughters to stick up for themselves; and sons to treat themselves, and their future wives and daughters with the same respect their fathers and mothers treated each other with. 

We have a sexists, violent, unequal world because the parents of generations past did a shitty job. Unfortunately, they probably did the best they could with what they were taught as well.

Fortunately, we now know and can do better. We can raise our kids, teach our students, supervise our staffs, interact with our neighbors in a way the next generation will learn from and will make this day a thing of the past. 

So Men: treat all women and as you'd like someone to treat your daughter one day. Women: stop looking up to men who are looking down on you- in any arena; and treat yourself as you'd want someone to treat your daughter as an equal. 

In full equality with our partners let's create a family plan to address how we want all our children raised, how we'll treat each other, and how we'll expect our children to carry a message of respect for all out into the world and into the families they create for themselves.  

The best way to celebrate Women (and Men) is to Parent Up!

The Art of Asking, The Joy of Giving

Last week was the TED Conference and all everyone could talk about on social media was Amanda Palmer. Her TEDTalk is amazing and inspiring and a really good investment of your 13 minutes to watch. It got me thinking about asking which lead to thinking about giving- the two sides of the coin (pun intended).

Amanda talked about artists giving their gifts to the world and then asking those that are truly touched to give back so they can do more art or simply make a living. Being able to express one's art is a gift, being asked to give a TEDTalk is a gift, being inspired by someone's message is a gift, having good fortune and ability to give money is a gift, and appreciation expressed and received is a gift.

Asking isn't easy. Creating art that doesn't get out into the world is worse. And yes, not wanting to give for whatever reason is uncomfortable. All of the commerce of art is weird and no one's got it all figured out.

I say: create art and don't be embarrassed to ask for contributions, but don't judge if folks don't give. Give if the art touches you but don't be resentful or feel pressured into giving if you're asked and it doesn't feel right. Let's all appreciate whatever form each individual's work takes. Some people have a job, some create art, some both, some neither, each of us is trying to be happy while getting our gifts into the world. Sometimes it's lawyering, teaching, creating art, banking, homemaking... let's all just see, acknowledge, and honor each other along the way.

If you are in a position where you'd love to give to an artist but you yourself have limited resources you can always: offer a review of your favorite writer's book, promote a local band on FB to your friends, pin/like/tweet your friends' art on social media, send them a note of encouragement for following their dreams, pass on their TEDTalk...

Making this personal to what I think is my art / gift / message to the world I'm following Amanda's lead and offering my next workshop, on March 16th, at pay what you'd like fee. You can donate to the Joy Fund (a totally made-up for-profit experiment) whatever you'd like. This is what I have to offer up, is worthy of my life's work, and believe touches the people that participate. But, if you're reading this and have taken anything else from my writings or projects but not interested in coming to the workshop, I'm happy to receive your offerings for those too :)

More art, more giving, more receiving, more connecting to each other sounds like pure Joy to ME!


(Simply enter the amount you'd like to give and indicate if you'll be "joining" or "skipping" the workshop.)
THANKS!

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