Active Gratitude Has Many Rewards $ :)

Being appreciative of our life and the people in it is great. What's even more powerful is active gratitude- for which I mean getting in action and thanking folks out-loud and through acts of acknowledgment.

Yesterday on Facebook two high school classmates of mine were posting things they were grateful for- not sure what sparked the posts but as an inspiration-junky I read along. Amy actually listed one of the happiness points in her day was when she found some cash for some friends and family members through ICash (an Illinois program for unclaimed property/$). She even posted the link and encouraged us all to check to see if our names were listed. Fast forward... I am now sending in for my $100+ lost dollars I didn't even know I had sitting on an old phone provider's account. 

Point is that if she would have not been counting her blessings and done it in a sharing way and gone the extra step of linking the info so we could play along I would not be rolling in the dough!

Cash is not the point though... last weekend I attended a wedding celebration for a dear friend and instead of just a simple thank you she wrote me a note about how much she loved what I had contributed to her day and the specific-ness of her appreciation made it worth so much more than a simple thank you. It was as though she had given me the gift.

So the next time you're feeling blessed - or even more importantly maybe when you're not - reach out and be actively grateful to someone and see what surprising ways you're rewarded. I'm sure your heart, and maybe even your wallet, will thank you. And isn't that what a rich life is all about?!     :)

If we don't speak directly and set clear boundaries it's really our fault if someone's wasting or taking advantage of our time.

I was a little annoyed the other day when someone had asked me for a favor that was too big for our casual freindship. And as I started thinking about it I was less annoyed with them for asking and more annoyed with myself for not being clear that it was too big of an ask.

I believe in the old adage there is no harm in asking (or making a request) so I shouldn't have found one that was asked of me off-putting. And yet I had.

When we don't speak directly and then end up resenting people for doing things we didn't want to do - who is the waster of our time? Us!

It's freeing to realize a nice agreeable answer, when we wanted to say no, could have simply been re-directed to a better interaction. The key I've decided is to not get all worked up but to pause for a moment to decide what you want to do and then just simply say: That's not going to work for me. No big explanation necessary. No apologizing for not be able to meet someone else's needs. 

Setting boundaries is the more respectable thing to do for ourselves and in the spirit of being honest with others. If someone presses, guilts, gets mad at us because we've not been able to help them then that is their problem and not ours. 

You're the boss of you! And if we set clear boundaries not only will we have more time to do the things that matter to us... people will learn we respect our time and when we give it to them it's because that's where we truly want to be.

Are You Satisfied?

Are you satisfied? With life? Love? Sex? Marriage?

Last week I had a great time attending a premiere launch party for the new USA Network show Satisfaction hosted by my engaging, hilarious, and gorgeous pal Jenna. The show which debuts tonight was surprisingly deeper than I'd guessed from only seeing the commercials. Also, funny- I laughed out loud more than a few times which was refreshing.

I'm not sure how long they can pull off the story line but I definitely recommend watching the first episode. And since I am a huge fan of many of USA's shows (my fav: Suits) I would not be shocked if this turns into another big hit for them.

Now the premise does take on more than a tinge of unbelievability but the set up is very authentic to what I see as the big issue facing couples who are in or approaching their 40s. Men who feel overwhelmed with work stress and shock that this is their actual life; women who feel underwhelmed with excitement and appreciation and are exhausted from trying to create a good life for everyone else while often putting their own needs last on the list. The show does a great job capturing the ennui of mid-life-malaise. Because even if you've found success in some areas... what do you do when seemingly "having it all" is not enough?  

Even if the show isn't for you- and it is very racy especially in the later scenes and where it takes the lead characters- the reflection of the first part of the show is worthwhile to catch and have a conversation with your love about how satisfied you are with your life together.

Is work working for you? Is family life draining the very life out of you? Is there intimacy in your relationship? How's your sex life? Are you willing to talk about what fidelity and honesty means to you?

Satisfaction might not be everyone's #1 priority and maybe not even make the top 5 but not talking about it and working towards it can have life altering ramifications for everyone we choose to build our lives around. Don't wait until it's too late to check in with yourself and your partner and ask:

Are You Satisfied?

Cropping Out, Focusing In

LESS,

BUT

BETTER.

~Dieter Rams


I love the idea of Minimalism, but I can't quite go all the way there. Still I do believe decluttering what's not serving us makes all aspects of our lives richer and more full of joy.

Arianna Huffington's quest to get us to Thrive by talking about how overwhelmed we are and how money and power are not the only metrics of success is a long overdue conversation. Are we all going to take up meditation and sleep with no electronic devices in our bedrooms? We should, we totally should-- but it might take us some baby steps to get there.

So what can we do today, right now? Choose!

Choose what's most important. I'm just beginning to read the book Essentialism which focuses on eliminating the non-essential so you can do/have: less, but better. Love this concept and it reminded me immediately of studying photography. Cropping was my thing. I took decent photos but they were so much more meaningful when I got to cropping them. I shoot photos like I'm striving to live my life: get the big picture then focus in and rid it of everything that's distracting so the true essence comes out.

So above is my Twitter icon and to the left is the original photo. It's not a particularly flattering photo -not bad- but the reason I wanted to use it was because I was having a very happy day when I took it and I wanted to be reminded of it daily. To me the close-up version is all about my happy smile the full version just another photo to me.

Focusing in, cutting out, less but better is a great clarifier. We can do this with everything from food to parenting to work.

Better to enjoy a few Godiva chocolates then a one pound generic bar. Better to engage in quality activities and conversation with kids then to run them (and you) ragged with every activity under the sun. Better to kick-ass on one dynamic project then to be all over the place with mindless busy work and meetings.

Less in life is a little uncomfortable to get used to when we are such a more, more, more, busy, busy, busy society. But it's not working for us so maybe we -for sure I- need to try to get down to the essentials, crop out what's not needed, and focus in on less but better.

How Do You Like Your Drama?

Go Shonda Go! The irony of this Twitter exchange is that Shonda Rhimes is the woman who brings us Grey's Anatomy and even more dramatic SCANDAL!

For a someone who makes a very nice living from creating drama I love that she makes the strong point about pointless drama and the hard work of changing our lives. And I couldn't agree more. There will be drama that pops up in our everyday life but I can't tell you what a dramatic difference it made when I stopped partaking in pointless drama in my life and engaging with those that came to me with theirs. I've noticed some people would rather live with- and dare I say stoke- their dramas then get to (or take help) deflating them.

This is an exhausting way to live and a genuine draining ask of our friendships. A real friend is there for the unavoidable dramas, yet helps to snap us out the the pointless ones. That's TRUE friendship to me.

So how do I like my dramas nowadays? On Thursday nights with some wine :)


[If you'd like to join in some fun drama come check out my Twitter SCANDAL Channel on Thursdays at 9pm... or you could always come work on your life at the next
the ME Workshop ;) ]

Don't Live With Crusty Burners!

We think in life we need to make big sweeping changes to make us truly happy- and those are awesome and we should totally push ourselves to live into our BIG dreams- but sometimes it's the little things....

The shower curtain hook story I tell in my workshop is a favorite to many that hear it but since it entails some theatrics that are better to see live-- today I'll share a different one still in a similar vein. I have an old stove and every time I cooked I hated looking at the burner covers- no matter how "clean" they were they were old, rusty and crusty and seeing them just annoyed the heck out of me. I put up with them for years because I didn't really think through what another option would look like other than getting a new stove.

Well here I am teaching people they should declutter anything that isn't working in their lives and as I'm telling them I'm living with my own hypocrisy. Why am I putting up with such a small but deeply annoying thing in my life? So one afternoon I trek over to my local Lowe's and ask for help to see if I can get new burner covers- then buy recommended covers, only to get home to find they're not a fit :( But now I'm a woman on a mission, so online I go and within a short time the find correct ones on Amazon for under $15.

Now the entire thing took less than an hour total and less than $20 and I can not tell you how happy this little kitchen upgrade made me.

Point is: don't live an annoyed life. Fix the little things that bug you during your day. One of the free things that made my life so much easier years ago was placing a pretty glass dish by my door and putting my keys in there every time I enter my place. Simple and no more time suck and aggravation looking for keys before I leave the house.

It's Spring cleaning time so give yourself a real treat and get into the habit of once a week getting rid of one annoyance. I dare you to get creative to see if you can make it as quick, painless, and low cost as possible.

Decluttering the crusty burners of our day-to-day starts adding up to a happy life pretty quickly so start small and find the joy :)  

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match ❤

Recently I've had a couple friends complain they wish there was a better way to meet people then online dating. Although I'm sure there are many love connections made through o-l-d I think friends of friends are always a better way to meet quality folks. I am far from a love guru and I've been rather unlucky in love myself but alas I am pretty good at spotting possible matches. So this week I am going to try my hand as Cupid and see if I can play matchmaker with some friends. And if you're single and up for it I dare you to ask 3 friends if they'll play matchmaker for you. Odds are one will be happy to oblige.

Once you've deputized your Cupid, the following are some thoughts that will help you help them help you:

Focus: Be clear up what you are looking for- sure open is great but too broad and they have no idea what to look for. And their tastes might not be what you are really interested in dating.

Photo: Update any public profiles with a realistic but flattering photo. Any matches will Google you and want to know what they're getting into so start off on good foot. No need to get fancy just have a friend with a good eye take some.

Feel good: No one wants to date desperate-Debbie or anxious-Anthony. Spruce up your looks with new haircut or new shirt and look at this as fun adventure. Calm and confident are two of the sexiest things you can radiate so do what it takes to get there.

Good sport: Chemistry in love is an art not a science.... so if you're not feeling it be polite and if they are good person kindly pass them back in the mix and offer to introduce them to someone you know they might hit it off with.

Numbers game: Don't get discouraged if you can't find love right away it's a numbers game. My guess is we are only attracted to every 20-25 available people we meet so don't get discouraged until you've gone on at least 20 coffees.


As for Matchmakers... if you've found love in your life it is good karma to share the wealth so give it a go. Don't pressure or make yourself or your friends feel bad if they didn't feel the spark. Have fun with it and don't get too bossy if friends resist your matching- move on to another single friend.


DO IT YOURSELF: Sucky friends that are bad matchers but you still want to find love:

Sit down: Next time you go to event or take the train go sit next to (in your eyes) the cutest person in the room. Short version of longish TRUE story: I gave this advice to friend before she attended a weekend workshop and she was married within the year.

Flirt: Not at work and not with friends' spouses but flirt with everyone else- just for the practice. Don't be weird or slutty about it just friendly, witty and warm. Even if no love connection you'll probably make someone's day.

Date yourself: If you're waiting for someone to take you to places you want to go, take yourself. There's a better chance you'll meet someone with similar interests if you're going to the talks, events, places you wish someone would take you. Your love might be waiting for you to show up right now.


Ok, there you go... about all I know about dating and matchmaking*. I do know for sure though that life is short so if you are looking for love go find it and it doesn't ever hurt to ask others to help you along the way :)

Happy Valentine's Day and much...

*Safety: Even if you know someone through mutual friends make sure you are being safe. Meet out at public place and don't let them drive you home until you feel comfortable. And if you live alone always tell someone where you are and who you are going out with that night.

Not A Happy Ending :(

Victoria Will

Death sucks but dying a dumb death is even suckier.  We'd all love to die at a ripe old age shortly after we discover we've become terminal and have had a chance get our affairs in order including telling our loved ones how much we cherish them. Or if we have to die suddenly at least it would be great if we could die in some heroic fashion- rushing into a burning building to save children perhaps. And if we have to die a longer lingering death it would be a given we'd like to do it with grace and dignity. But that doesn't happen for everyone. Some people die an unhappy ending and it adds to the sadness of the whole sucky situation. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman was a fabulous actor and seemed like a really good guy too so I was deeply saddened when I heard he died last week. After a young talented person dies in their prime with so much left to give it makes everyone ponder what could have been... it makes me kinda pissed. 

It reminds me of how Chris died. Christopher was my college sweetheart and he was a super smart, super sweet guy who died of an accidental drug overdose in 2002. He was diagnosed as bi-polar in his early twenties and instead of staying on regular medication self-medicated with drugs on and off for years. One of the things that is hard to explain to people who have never had someone they love with this issue is the backstory. Not that either dying from mental illness or drug-addiction is any worse thing to deal with then any other illness, but I do remember being mad at him that he died of something preventable. At least, not inevitable. 

There is a certain amount of embarrassment that follows a bad death and you want to protect the memory of the person you love. I'm not sure what drove PSH to drugs and to hear people talk about his talent is nice yet makes me wonder if those close to him are now feeling the same mix of anger and anguish I did. In my workshop I tell the story of how the Chicago Police notified me of Chris's death and the drama that followed. But it always makes me feel uneasy that I don't get to tell the whole story of what a brilliant engineer, great dancer, and good guy he was and how much he loved me and adored his sister and admired his grandfather. 

I still get mad at Chris sometimes even now over a decade later because he died of something as stupid as taking drugs. I get annoyed at the fights we used to have about his pride and how he hated having to be on medication yet thought little of drugging himself with street drugs. Then occasionally guilt pops up because I wasn't able to help him and I was one of his last calls. I let myself wallow for a bit then I remember we each choose our lives. Help and love was offered to him and this is the path he chose so I need to have compassion for his decisions (no matter how puzzeling I found them) and how he chose to live his life. 

If you need help with your life please get some- you deserve a decent ending and dying alone with drugs is not worthy of anyone. And if you love someone with a drug or mental illness issue tell them what you want to say now and leave no doubt how much you want them to live a good long life. Then go live a great life yourself because you deserve it and I know that's what Chris would have wanted for me and anyone he came across.