Not A Happy Ending :(

Victoria Will

Death sucks but dying a dumb death is even suckier.  We'd all love to die at a ripe old age shortly after we discover we've become terminal and have had a chance get our affairs in order including telling our loved ones how much we cherish them. Or if we have to die suddenly at least it would be great if we could die in some heroic fashion- rushing into a burning building to save children perhaps. And if we have to die a longer lingering death it would be a given we'd like to do it with grace and dignity. But that doesn't happen for everyone. Some people die an unhappy ending and it adds to the sadness of the whole sucky situation. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman was a fabulous actor and seemed like a really good guy too so I was deeply saddened when I heard he died last week. After a young talented person dies in their prime with so much left to give it makes everyone ponder what could have been... it makes me kinda pissed. 

It reminds me of how Chris died. Christopher was my college sweetheart and he was a super smart, super sweet guy who died of an accidental drug overdose in 2002. He was diagnosed as bi-polar in his early twenties and instead of staying on regular medication self-medicated with drugs on and off for years. One of the things that is hard to explain to people who have never had someone they love with this issue is the backstory. Not that either dying from mental illness or drug-addiction is any worse thing to deal with then any other illness, but I do remember being mad at him that he died of something preventable. At least, not inevitable. 

There is a certain amount of embarrassment that follows a bad death and you want to protect the memory of the person you love. I'm not sure what drove PSH to drugs and to hear people talk about his talent is nice yet makes me wonder if those close to him are now feeling the same mix of anger and anguish I did. In my workshop I tell the story of how the Chicago Police notified me of Chris's death and the drama that followed. But it always makes me feel uneasy that I don't get to tell the whole story of what a brilliant engineer, great dancer, and good guy he was and how much he loved me and adored his sister and admired his grandfather. 

I still get mad at Chris sometimes even now over a decade later because he died of something as stupid as taking drugs. I get annoyed at the fights we used to have about his pride and how he hated having to be on medication yet thought little of drugging himself with street drugs. Then occasionally guilt pops up because I wasn't able to help him and I was one of his last calls. I let myself wallow for a bit then I remember we each choose our lives. Help and love was offered to him and this is the path he chose so I need to have compassion for his decisions (no matter how puzzeling I found them) and how he chose to live his life. 

If you need help with your life please get some- you deserve a decent ending and dying alone with drugs is not worthy of anyone. And if you love someone with a drug or mental illness issue tell them what you want to say now and leave no doubt how much you want them to live a good long life. Then go live a great life yourself because you deserve it and I know that's what Chris would have wanted for me and anyone he came across. 

Time To Have... The TALK

The Death TALK w. Chat-About-Checklist from Joy Meredith

The TALK, depending on where you are in life could mean: getting married, time to have a baby, explaining sex to your curious kid, or the dreaded breaking up. But, if you're in the sandwich phase of life, kids and aging parents, then it's about Death.

Already cringing? Don't! Having a conversation about life and death is one of the responsibilities of adulthood and trust me it's way, way worse if you don't have it. And although every once and awhile one goes off the rails, most lead to a reaffirming gratitude that you've said what you wanted to say on the issue and relief that now you can get back to living a life worthy of a good death.

When I was writing my book My Last Wishes... folks, especially strangers, would always tell me of some horrible story of a family torn apart by the mess a death left in its wake. At this very moment I have more then a couple of friends living through nightmarish aftermaths of parents who never got around to getting their affairs in order. And let me be clear, a conversation even in front of all parties involved won't stop all the chaos if there is already bad blood; but having the talk about death gets the basics wishes on the table and are at least a starting point.

Speaking of tables, I was delighted to find out that there is a new trend hitting the dinner party circuit called Death Over Dinner. People in over 250 cities are throwing events on August 24th to kick off this grassroots movement. Wish I'd known sooner I would have totally hosted one- any friends interested? Anyway, I love the idea of it and will absolutely participate next year.

Sure death discussions probably aren't as much fun as discussing winning the lottery over chocolate fondue... but imagine how connected you'll be to others knowing how they feel about embarking on life's last great adventure. And as TEDTalk speaker Michael Hebb, who started the conversation says: looking at death has taught me how to live.

Amazon

Look at life, talk about death... let's not avoid the topic and not say what needs to be said leaving everyone we love with a pile of sadness and frustration when we're no longer here. You're better than that. So whether over a nice dinner with friends, or a quiet Sunday afternoon with your parents and/or spouse have the talk. Above you will find my Chat-About-Checklist slidedeck taken from MLW... that serves as a summary and springboard to the key topics you'll want to touch on. And if you're really ready to dive in get my book and leave it all on the table :)

I wish you the most wonderful life and, when it's your time, a very good death.