You Are What You Love

I remember nothing from the movie Adaptation but the clip above and the quote: you are what you love, not what loves you. 

The thought on the surface seems desperate, slightly psycho, but something about it rang so true. When I first saw the movie it was on DVD and I watched that part over a few times just to let it sink in. It was one of the most freeing thoughts I'd heard in a long while. Kind of like the "he's just not that into you" line from Sex And The City that seemed so simple yet so hard to absorb.

In our society, especially as women, we are taught to be afraid of our feelings and make sure they are appropriate, measured, and by all means don't make anyone feel uncomfortable. Yet as anyone who has ever had their heart broken because of unrequited love knows there are few things in our youth- hell, as an adult- as painful.

This revelation happened to occur around the time I was heartbroken over someone I knew intellectually was a narcissist who wasn't any good for me, but somehow could not seem to get over. And then it hit me: the heart is the strongest most stubbornly independent part of us and it doesn't listen to the head (or the gut or even our naughty bits) and it's a waste of energy to resist its power. Instead of shame or sadness we have the choice to simply give in when loves strikes or lingers in us and know that we don't need to justify it, fix it, or act on it. We can live with the fact love for love's sake can't really hurt us if we let it be and stop resisting it. It's when we resist what's so that we really suffer... and suffer. When I just gave in and realized he is my non-fatal achilles heel and I will always have a soft-spot for him no matter how illogical it is, then the suffering stopped.

More recently I developed a total crush on someone I don't even know personally, and instead of resisting and judging how delusional it is, I'm having fun with it. Life is short so we might as well enjoy it; besides, what's the worst thing that could happen? Someone knows I have a crush on them? Even when I haven't wanted to be with someone who has felt that way about me I am at least flattered... and impressed with how exquisite of taste they have ☺

My hope is we let love flow thru us, because we are what we love and I know the world can use all the love and good energy we can emit.

Despicable (Disappointed) Me!

I'm not afraid! Ok, maybe a little.

I was all proud of myself for making a big breakthrough in my book and my life a couple of weeks ago and was sharing it with my therapist who, as she annoyingly does, then pointed out something completely unrelated that apparently wasn't so clear to me. She made the statement that she thinks I'm afraid of people.

What?! I have no idea what you could mean... I am one of the most friendly, extroverted, outgoing, people-loving people I know. 

Yes, but what I mean is that you don't trust them, or the universe to not disappoint you- so you only anti-up so much and never go all in. You don't trust that you'll find your ideal job without having to sacrifice your ethics or feeling like you have to do it all yourself. Or just because you have lost in love, you don't think there's someone out there who could be a match for you-- in a world of how many billions?  

You don't have to believe in God to have faith in something; if you did you wouldn't feel the need to be so in control of everything. You're the worst kind of optimist, one who's subconsciously positive the world is going to disappoint you.*

Crap! I hate it when she's right. Ok, I'll admit it, the nasty little secret about me is that I don't trust people. I live disappointed in who people turn out to be. I love the vulnerability in people, but hate it when they're weak. I love the inspiration in people's stories, until I see the hypocrisy of them not living it every day. I'm more impressed with someone I have low expectations of that surprises me then someone who I think is great but find out is merely human.

As I'm driving home a slideshow of the disappointers in my life starts playing in my head and I am nauseous by the time I'm halfway home. As I talked about in the post The ME-ness of Meanness it is what we hide about our humanity that causes our suffering. So here is me admitting my nastiness. And even though I doubt I can completely cure myself of this issue, I don't want to be afraid of anything as essential to my life as people.

I have a friend, Justine, who always said: never expect anything from anyone and you won't be disappointed. She is such a sunny and warm person I was shocked at how negative and pessimistic that sounded. But now I see maybe having no expectations of life or others frees us up to put everything at stake just for the hell of it... because really what do we have to lose? Better to trust myself to handle the disappointment and anything that comes after the fact then not to have faith in people, love, and the universe.

*this may or maybe not be what she said, but this is what I heard

He Dented My Universe

Stanford's 2005 Commencement Address

When I read of the death of Steve Jobs on Twitter yesterday almost ever tweet for the following hour was about him. Sure it was news, but it was the depth and breath of the impact and sadness that struck me and sent a chill up my spine and many tears to my eyes. He was not a saint, he left the impression he was probably a challenge to work for-- but I have never been witness to a more inspiring brand or corporate leader.

Every day for the last 6 years I have touched something Apple related- including what I am typing this very post on now; and my Mac and I almost became one when I was writing my first book and the same as I am writing my second.

So the technology, the design, the feel are all brilliant... but, the thing that has left one of the biggest impressions on me is his quote: Make a dent in the Universe. I love this thought that our lives are meant to leave an impression, and although most of us won't achieve the same fame and monetary fortune, we can all dent the Universe we occupy with our own lives.

He talks of death as the greatest tool/lesson we have to teach us of the importance and frailty of life, I couldn't agree more. We can't wait another day to make our dent, find our love, change the world. Let's learn from Steve and take a big bite out the apple of life... and get to denting today 

Want Peace? Let's Stop Shitting in the Pool

mountain view pool water abstract

On this 10th anniversary remembrance of 9/11 I am stuck for what to do... my friend Leslie lost her sister Katie in the twin towers. And although I never knew Katie, I now know her whole family and I know how much they dread all the drama around the date- they'd rather remember how she lived not how she died. Even when Bin Laden was killed I knew it would bring mixed feelings for them. Relief on one hand but no reason to celebrate at the same time. Leslie is a doctor and brings life in to the world as a ob-gyn, she would never celebrate the death of another human. 

So how to honor those who we've lost, and those who have been lost since fighting wars in the name of justice, and all the rest who serve as our everyday heros? Well I believe the way to do that is to take an inventory of what energy we are putting into the world. The world's surface is made up of 70% water and it is truly like one big pool that we all swim in together. Why should we care about someone half way around the world with AIDS; why should we worry about inner city kids getting a good education when we live in the suburbs and our kids are getting a great one; why should pollution in China matter in Chattanooga?

Because our shit- and by this I mean everything from our pollution, to financial corruption, to racism, to negativity, to violence- all eventually floats over to other parts of the world and pollutes the pool of humanity. Those kids we don't educate because they live on the other side of the tracks- wouldn't education by better investment then incarceration later? That "other" religion we think is so full of violence and hatred, can you say yours hasn't done the same throughout history?

We can all honor not only the ones we lost on 9/11 but the children that live on in their parents absence and all children in the generations to come by getting our shit together and handling it responsibly. Violence in our home- get help. Discrimination at our workplace- take a stand. Hypocrisy in our place of worship- stop supporting it. And whatever you and I need to clean up in our own lives- lets make that our contribution to peace in the world.

It is not Pollyanna-ish to say we can have peace in the world it just takes a lot of work. What if after 9/11 we would have gotten religious leaders all together to speak out on violence against any people, instead of which religion is better and more righteous then the other. What if we would have taken even a small chunk of the money we spend on defense spending (including billions on fighter planes we've never used) and invested in education and technology to come up with not only alternative fuel solutions but drugs and agricultural solutions for struggling parts of the world. If the huge changes in the Middle East during the recent Arab Spring proved nothing it is that technology and transparency overthrows dictatorial and corrupt governments faster, more efficiently, and cheaper then any military action ever could.

Shit floats and also infiltrates all aspects of our lives, we need to responsibly handle our messes as individuals, as countries, and as simply citizens of the world.

Peace to All.

[in memory of a truly loving soul Katie McCloskey]

The ME-ness of MEANNESS

All A Reflection of ME!

The Human Condition is so that we all are born with a propensity towards MEANESS in us. Can’t help it, everyone has meanness in them- everyone! As sure as everyone shits, everyone shits on others… including you. (do you hear how mean you are being right now judging the word choice I just used 😉).

Our shame, fears, righteousness comes from the fact we don’t want to acknowledge the me-ness in our meanness. We want to pretend we are all delightful and nice and if we are even the slightest bit mean it is occasionally, and for a good reason, and a milder form of meanness; not like her… she is horrible! I am only a little judgmental of her, which is not nearly as bad as what she did.

But what if we did the opposite and got into the dirt and dirtiness of our meanness and owed it? We are a certain height, weight, with a certain haircut in a particular moment of time why can’t the meanness we are also be a description of who we were at that time. Instead of hiding from our humanity like it’s not there, if we own it we can transform it.

The stories we tell about ourselves and our lives make up who we think we are, so who wants to make it a horror story? Instead we tend to gloss over what we brought to the situation and make someone else to be the bad guy (or natural disaster) vs seeing how we contribute to the narrative. 

People (and things) are what they are, what we say about them is a different story- or to be more precise: our life story. A 16 year old pregnant in the US is shameful, a pregnant 16 year old in another part of the world or at a different time in our history is perfectly acceptable. It’s the judgment we bring to the situation that dictates what’s right and wrong.  Killing a child= evil; taking out Osama Bin Laden= awesome! Taking of a human life is the same in both it’s just the story and circumstances that allow us to make different judgments.

So getting back to our meanness… I know when I fully own that I was being petty, righteous, judgmental in an apology to someone it makes all the difference. Just saying I am sorry or trying to justify anything is just more story and more avoidance of me knowing my nastiness & owning my meanness. And here is the really ironic and funny thing, the more in touch with the nasty side of us the better. Say for example, I am clear that I am only 10% to blame for a fight I had with my sister. I mean I can pile up all the evidence you want to see to show that she was 90% at fault. Can you hear I am being extra judgmental of her, and super-duper righteous? Which is going to clear the space for a real authentic relationship: my justifications or ... my ownership of my own part of the issue minus the condescending calculations of my portion of blame?

Your own nasty defensiveness might be asking: but what about what they did?
Their meanness is on their side of the equation and for them to figure out- their nastiness is none of my righteous business. If I am any part of the equation I am 100% responsible for my meanness and mine alone--and this goes for you too.

And although it is hard to comprehend the power on the other side- and it is extremely uncomfortable to do until you feel the pop of freedom- I promise you, owning your meanness is truly the way to live a joyful meaningful life. 

[inspired by: Vickie Austin & Kathy Bosco]

The OPRAH Effect

There are less than 20 shows left until Oprah concludes her program and I wanted to share my biggest AHA Moment. This is the letter I sent in to her (with above pic):

Dear Oprah, 

The show that stays with and haunts me is Erin Kramp discussing her dying wishes for her daughter. 

But the biggest epiphany AHA Moment was on January 27, 2005. You were doing a show called Wildest Dreams and one of your guests wildest dreams was to meet you and another womans wildest dream was to get a house- you granted both wishes. The woman with the dream to meet you was slightly disappointed when she saw the other woman get a house. She said something like: I didn't know I could wish for something like a house- and your responses was something like: Well, it's your wildest dream so dream bigger next time. Now the spooky thing was just the day before I had been reading Jack Canfield's book The Success Principles and a cartoon on p30 had stuck out to me and it was this exact lesson:

Randy Glasbergen

WILDEST DREAMS! Even the same wording, so weird. This lesson hit me hard, and when only a month later I had a great idea I used both the cartoon-Oprah-Wildest Dreams-coincidence and Erin Kramp to get the nerve to write my first book. I had a book deal with HarperCollins for My Last Wishes... A Journal of Life, Love, Laughs & A Few Final Notes within 6 months.

The greatest lesson you have shared with us is that anything is possible. Dream BIG and Wild! Living into our wildest dreams isn't easy (which is why we needed all the rest of the shows, OWN, O magazine, Soul Series, etc) but this one lesson alone makes your 25 years on the air worth everything you and your staff have put into it. 

Thank you for the greatest gift I have ever received. 

Love,
Joy 

PS. Since I practice it because of you, My Wildest Dream is to attend the TED Conference and then share the brilliance with your viewers and readers (... and a house 😜).

So chances are Oprah will never read this story, but in thinking about how important this lesson is and my concern that others might not get the chance to have a similar epiphany, I came up with what I think is a fitting tribute to both....

Not that book clubs aren't also a great way to expand your life, but what is more important and a better use of time than to be working on our dreams (and helping along those of our friends)! My idea is to bag the book and dig your dreams out of the "someday" realm and get to manifesting them today. Sure nothing wrong with a vision board or some prayers but dreams have a better chance of coming true when they are spoken out loud and when we spend even 15 minutes a week working on one contribution to them. Maybe your dream is to be the next Oprah, that might be unlikely but start heading in that direction and maybe you'll host an event to motivate women in need. You'd like to be an actress on Broadway... would you be disappointed to star in your local theatre (closer than you probably are today)?!

What I learned is that we don't know where our dreams will take us, but if we don't dream or don't share them- the chances of them coming true are very slight. Plus what could be more of an amazing bonding experience then to help your friends get a tad closer to living their dreams. To quote my friend Stacey Edgar (read about her in post below): Start Small, Dream Big, Change Lives --and nothing wrong or selfish about beginning with yours!

I will tell you my life has been much more fulfilling since I started dreaming Big, Wild, Joyous Dreams!

Currently dreaming about:

• Attending Oprah's Finale. (didn't make it, on to next adventure)
• Having financial freedom with no debt and $1M in the bank.
• Attending the TED Conference.
• Living in condo with view of lake and city.
• 2013: Create Wildest Dream Project with Gretchen Rubin.
• Have ME Theory content serve 100K people.
• Starting a real life: Wildest Dreams Club- 1st dream-together April 20th 2013 YAY!!!!

What are your dreams? What are you doing to get the world to conspire to help them come true?

My Global Girlfriend

You know how you have a friend who is so amazing you can't believe you know her? This is one of mine:

 Eight years ago, Stacey Edgar had a $2,000 tax return and a deep desire to help provide economic security for women in need. She knew that of the 1.3 billion people living on less than $1 per day, seventy percent are women. What she didn’t have was a business plan. Or a passport. But that didn’t stop her from creating a socially conscious business that has helped poor women in five continents feed their families and send their children to school.


She was a "normal" person who saw that she could contribute something in the world to help others. So she started Global Girlfriend to find a way to support women in poverty. But it is not just her business that is remarkable, it is the story about how one lone person can make a huge difference to many.

If you never buy an item from GG or if you can't be bothered by reading a fabulous book... at least take her message:

 Global Girlfriends motto is start small, dream big, change lives; and my story is one of an average person taking a leap of faith to change her own life and the lives of women in poverty around the world.

Stacey might not be your friend, although if you knew her you would want her to be, but she is the kind of person you wish would be there to give you a voice and some hope if you were in need. My Global Girlfriend, Stacey, is doing it everyday... so take her message, buy her book, and let's all thank the universe for people like her.  

Flow, Grow, & Glow

hendriko

This year my theme is: Flow, Grow, & Glow. Each year I do a visioning exercise based on my Me Mapping technique and it sets the tone for the year ahead. Resolutions can be helpful, but a theme really creates a path and can guide you whether you choose resolutions to follow or not.

Flow because I learned if I resist change I suffer. Flow or chafe has been a motto for a while and it is so true; what we resist tears at us. Grow because it is the essence of learning and expanding who we are (with the one exception of waistline-- that I am growing healthier habits and reducing). 

And finally Glow which really speaks to my overall life mission and main motto:

I'm SOLAR! My life purpose is to absorb as much knowledge, wisdom, and inspiration as possible and hopefully light myself up enough to have others be touched by that energy. 

Long ago I realized that I have a big personality; so if I am not conscious of the energy I bring to a room, conversation, or project, I can affect the atmosphere pretty quickly. I figure if I flow with what life has in store for me, and grow and learn everyday, the GLOW I give off will not only warm my heart, but will touch those around me with a positive light.
What better way to spend a year?!

Cheers to YOU and your year ahead!