The ME-ness of MEANNESS

All A Reflection of ME!

The Human Condition is so that we all are born with a propensity towards MEANESS in us. Can’t help it, everyone has meanness in them- everyone! As sure as everyone shits, everyone shits on others… including you. (do you hear how mean you are being right now judging the word choice I just used 😉).

Our shame, fears, righteousness comes from the fact we don’t want to acknowledge the me-ness in our meanness. We want to pretend we are all delightful and nice and if we are even the slightest bit mean it is occasionally, and for a good reason, and a milder form of meanness; not like her… she is horrible! I am only a little judgmental of her, which is not nearly as bad as what she did.

But what if we did the opposite and got into the dirt and dirtiness of our meanness and owed it? We are a certain height, weight, with a certain haircut in a particular moment of time why can’t the meanness we are also be a description of who we were at that time. Instead of hiding from our humanity like it’s not there, if we own it we can transform it.

The stories we tell about ourselves and our lives make up who we think we are, so who wants to make it a horror story? Instead we tend to gloss over what we brought to the situation and make someone else to be the bad guy (or natural disaster) vs seeing how we contribute to the narrative. 

People (and things) are what they are, what we say about them is a different story- or to be more precise: our life story. A 16 year old pregnant in the US is shameful, a pregnant 16 year old in another part of the world or at a different time in our history is perfectly acceptable. It’s the judgment we bring to the situation that dictates what’s right and wrong.  Killing a child= evil; taking out Osama Bin Laden= awesome! Taking of a human life is the same in both it’s just the story and circumstances that allow us to make different judgments.

So getting back to our meanness… I know when I fully own that I was being petty, righteous, judgmental in an apology to someone it makes all the difference. Just saying I am sorry or trying to justify anything is just more story and more avoidance of me knowing my nastiness & owning my meanness. And here is the really ironic and funny thing, the more in touch with the nasty side of us the better. Say for example, I am clear that I am only 10% to blame for a fight I had with my sister. I mean I can pile up all the evidence you want to see to show that she was 90% at fault. Can you hear I am being extra judgmental of her, and super-duper righteous? Which is going to clear the space for a real authentic relationship: my justifications or ... my ownership of my own part of the issue minus the condescending calculations of my portion of blame?

Your own nasty defensiveness might be asking: but what about what they did?
Their meanness is on their side of the equation and for them to figure out- their nastiness is none of my righteous business. If I am any part of the equation I am 100% responsible for my meanness and mine alone--and this goes for you too.

And although it is hard to comprehend the power on the other side- and it is extremely uncomfortable to do until you feel the pop of freedom- I promise you, owning your meanness is truly the way to live a joyful meaningful life. 

[inspired by: Vickie Austin & Kathy Bosco]

The OPRAH Effect

There are less than 20 shows left until Oprah concludes her program and I wanted to share my biggest AHA Moment. This is the letter I sent in to her (with above pic):

Dear Oprah, 

The show that stays with and haunts me is Erin Kramp discussing her dying wishes for her daughter. 

But the biggest epiphany AHA Moment was on January 27, 2005. You were doing a show called Wildest Dreams and one of your guests wildest dreams was to meet you and another womans wildest dream was to get a house- you granted both wishes. The woman with the dream to meet you was slightly disappointed when she saw the other woman get a house. She said something like: I didn't know I could wish for something like a house- and your responses was something like: Well, it's your wildest dream so dream bigger next time. Now the spooky thing was just the day before I had been reading Jack Canfield's book The Success Principles and a cartoon on p30 had stuck out to me and it was this exact lesson:

Randy Glasbergen

WILDEST DREAMS! Even the same wording, so weird. This lesson hit me hard, and when only a month later I had a great idea I used both the cartoon-Oprah-Wildest Dreams-coincidence and Erin Kramp to get the nerve to write my first book. I had a book deal with HarperCollins for My Last Wishes... A Journal of Life, Love, Laughs & A Few Final Notes within 6 months.

The greatest lesson you have shared with us is that anything is possible. Dream BIG and Wild! Living into our wildest dreams isn't easy (which is why we needed all the rest of the shows, OWN, O magazine, Soul Series, etc) but this one lesson alone makes your 25 years on the air worth everything you and your staff have put into it. 

Thank you for the greatest gift I have ever received. 

Love,
Joy 

PS. Since I practice it because of you, My Wildest Dream is to attend the TED Conference and then share the brilliance with your viewers and readers (... and a house 😜).

So chances are Oprah will never read this story, but in thinking about how important this lesson is and my concern that others might not get the chance to have a similar epiphany, I came up with what I think is a fitting tribute to both....

Not that book clubs aren't also a great way to expand your life, but what is more important and a better use of time than to be working on our dreams (and helping along those of our friends)! My idea is to bag the book and dig your dreams out of the "someday" realm and get to manifesting them today. Sure nothing wrong with a vision board or some prayers but dreams have a better chance of coming true when they are spoken out loud and when we spend even 15 minutes a week working on one contribution to them. Maybe your dream is to be the next Oprah, that might be unlikely but start heading in that direction and maybe you'll host an event to motivate women in need. You'd like to be an actress on Broadway... would you be disappointed to star in your local theatre (closer than you probably are today)?!

What I learned is that we don't know where our dreams will take us, but if we don't dream or don't share them- the chances of them coming true are very slight. Plus what could be more of an amazing bonding experience then to help your friends get a tad closer to living their dreams. To quote my friend Stacey Edgar (read about her in post below): Start Small, Dream Big, Change Lives --and nothing wrong or selfish about beginning with yours!

I will tell you my life has been much more fulfilling since I started dreaming Big, Wild, Joyous Dreams!

Currently dreaming about:

• Attending Oprah's Finale. (didn't make it, on to next adventure)
• Having financial freedom with no debt and $1M in the bank.
• Attending the TED Conference.
• Living in condo with view of lake and city.
• 2013: Create Wildest Dream Project with Gretchen Rubin.
• Have ME Theory content serve 100K people.
• Starting a real life: Wildest Dreams Club- 1st dream-together April 20th 2013 YAY!!!!

What are your dreams? What are you doing to get the world to conspire to help them come true?

My Global Girlfriend

You know how you have a friend who is so amazing you can't believe you know her? This is one of mine:

 Eight years ago, Stacey Edgar had a $2,000 tax return and a deep desire to help provide economic security for women in need. She knew that of the 1.3 billion people living on less than $1 per day, seventy percent are women. What she didn’t have was a business plan. Or a passport. But that didn’t stop her from creating a socially conscious business that has helped poor women in five continents feed their families and send their children to school.


She was a "normal" person who saw that she could contribute something in the world to help others. So she started Global Girlfriend to find a way to support women in poverty. But it is not just her business that is remarkable, it is the story about how one lone person can make a huge difference to many.

If you never buy an item from GG or if you can't be bothered by reading a fabulous book... at least take her message:

 Global Girlfriends motto is start small, dream big, change lives; and my story is one of an average person taking a leap of faith to change her own life and the lives of women in poverty around the world.

Stacey might not be your friend, although if you knew her you would want her to be, but she is the kind of person you wish would be there to give you a voice and some hope if you were in need. My Global Girlfriend, Stacey, is doing it everyday... so take her message, buy her book, and let's all thank the universe for people like her.  

Flow, Grow, & Glow

hendriko

This year my theme is: Flow, Grow, & Glow. Each year I do a visioning exercise based on my Me Mapping technique and it sets the tone for the year ahead. Resolutions can be helpful, but a theme really creates a path and can guide you whether you choose resolutions to follow or not.

Flow because I learned if I resist change I suffer. Flow or chafe has been a motto for a while and it is so true; what we resist tears at us. Grow because it is the essence of learning and expanding who we are (with the one exception of waistline-- that I am growing healthier habits and reducing). 

And finally Glow which really speaks to my overall life mission and main motto:

I'm SOLAR! My life purpose is to absorb as much knowledge, wisdom, and inspiration as possible and hopefully light myself up enough to have others be touched by that energy. 

Long ago I realized that I have a big personality; so if I am not conscious of the energy I bring to a room, conversation, or project, I can affect the atmosphere pretty quickly. I figure if I flow with what life has in store for me, and grow and learn everyday, the GLOW I give off will not only warm my heart, but will touch those around me with a positive light.
What better way to spend a year?!

Cheers to YOU and your year ahead!

The ThanksGiving List

Over a decade ago I started my favorite tradition ever: The ThanksGiving List. It is a list of my closest friends and why I am thankful for them that year. It's specific and heartfelt and I work on it the weekend before Thanksgiving (or earlier) and it is the best thing I do all year.

On the morning of Thanksgiving I wake up early, make two Pepperidge Farm cherry turnovers, and begin my calls around 9ish. I have until noon until I need to start getting ready to go to my family's dinner. After years of cultivating what I now think of as an art form, I can get most all of the calls in within this time frame.

Working off my notes I take a moment to get present with my gratitude and then I call my friend Ann (the list is alphabetical) and begin the thanking. It is designed to be a quick call, there are no pleasantries or small talk, it starts: Are you ready? Ok, Ann this is why I am thankful for you this year....

I rarely allow them to thank me back (that is not the point of the call, then it would be me just fishing for compliments). It is all about the giving, the thanking.

This is such a big deal with my friends that they often pick up the phone on the first ring, and have been known to start calling early in the month to make sure they are still on the list. It is not a given. If I have not been in touch with someone all year and I am not feeling it, they are off the list.

Pure gratitude and thankfulness is rare and this ritual has made Thanksgiving by-far my favorite holiday of the year. It makes me feel so blessed to make these calls and I know from the silence, the laughter, and sometimes the tears, how much it means to those receiving them.

Do yourself a favor and make a list, and if not on Thanksgiving pick one day a year to call up and thank the people that make your life so wonderful. I promise... you'll be thanking me for it!
_________________________________________________

UPDATE for 2011: I've begun some thank you tweets & emails to people I appreciate at work and in the social space I play in. These are quick little thank you's but keep in mind there is no bad time or way to thank someone. Get Thanking Today!

UPDATE for 2012: My pal Amy Spencer wrote a blog post about how much she liked The Thanksgiving List and then she included it in her new book Bright Side Up. Check it out on pages 137-138.

note: artwork blatantly lifted with thanks to Peanuts and creator Charles Schulz.

The Sanity Defense

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear
Jon Stewart - Moment of Sincerity
www.comedycentral.com
Rally to Restore Sainty and/or Fear The Daily Show The Colbert Report

Jon Stewart's Rally To Restore Sanity last weekend was crazy! The music was great, the signs hysterical, the skits were decent enough... but the moment that really hit me was his Moment of Sincerity at the end. He spoke of how if we amplify everything, we hear nothing. How we might all hold different values but we can still live day to day with each other (because we already do). How is it that we are more civilized merging into traffic going through a tunnel then dealing with health care or our children's education? You go, then I'll go sounds pretty great to me; I'll even let you go first. 

I love Jon when he is on The Daily Show but I LOVE him when he is talking seriously about how pundits and cable news are a joke and hurting America. Politics has always been a messy business but when networks are dedicated to making it messier and profiting off the fear they stir up in people, it is beyond messy and just downright shitty!

When I voted this week I cast my votes, per usual, for mostly Ds but a R or two that I thought were doing a good job. And what I was most disappointed in was how politicians are already beginning 2012 positioning instead of saying: I better get to work and help these citizens that just elected/reelected me.

There are crazy people in the world (I believe Glenn Beck is one cry away from completely losing it) but what is insane to me are the people who watch him and get all filled with hate (this goes for people of the left as well) instead of saying: Ok, I believe that is a problem let's see what we can agree on as a workable solution. 

NRA members you want everyone armed; how about no assault weapons in cities and outlawing armor piercing bullets? Religious institutions you want tax free status; how about financial transparency and turning in your pedophiles? School unions you want more support and higher pay; how about not backing teachers that suck and actually earning tenure? There are few times when a society as large as ours is ever going to get more than 60% of its citizens to agree completely... but safe streets and safe, healthy, and educated kids seems like a good place to start.

I am all for outrage and strong debate but eventually we need to sit down and compromise to get things done. If that's not something people can agree upon I say we put them on the crazy-train out of town and work with the sane amongst us, no matter who they pulled the lever for.

Men Need Friends: Who's Your Sundance?

Twice this week I cried over deep friendships... not mine, but those of some men I don't even know. It started when I was watching Paul Newman and Robert Redford's episode of Iconoclasts. Hearing them talk about their deep bond and how because they could lean on each other they could get beyond Hollywood egos and life's other issues and create a gift (Newman's Own, Sundance) to share with the world.  

Then I got choked up listening to an interview (last 5 minutes of part 2) between Marc Maron and Louis CK talking about how they used to be best friends until jealousy tore them apart. Here are just a few snippets from Louie trying to explain how he felt:

When you know someone for a long time it’s a valuable thing… we were best friends for a long time… there are times when it’s hard to be your friend’s friend…

... it takes a good friend to stay with you in hard times, it takes a good friend to stay with you in good times… everyone needs support, everybody does… You’re being a shitty friend by being jealous. 

I could have used you, I got divorced, I got a show canceled, I had some tough times I could of used a friend. Those times that were making you jealous, I was struggling, I was having a hard time.

Here is something I don't think most men talk about: their need to have a close male friend. And I'm not talking a beer or golf buddy, I'm talking someone who you can talk to about anything. I was not familiar with Marc Maron and have only recently started to really love Louis CK, yet I was still unbelievably moved by how they both needed each other but were too stubborn/ jealous/ insecure to really reach out. (Warning: Louie is not everyone's bag of tea. My sister could not even listen to a full minute of him because of his language- salty. But his everything's amazing and nobody's happy bit on Conan is safe for all.) The thing I've noticed with my male friends is that they have a hard time with deep communications in general and especially if they are feeling lost or struggling.

Recently one of my oldest pals called me to apologize for how crappy of a friend he had been. He was going through something and realized he had no one to talk to about it. When he went to call me he said it hit him how he had spent the last decade focused solely on his work and totally not thinking of other people outside his immediate family. I have no real friends- who would even say anything at my funeral?

A little dramatic, but probably kind of true. This is especially true once guys get out of their 20's and start to have families and focus heavily on their careers. Unlike most women, men can often rely exclusively on their spouse for the only intimate relationship in their lives. But if there is something off in that relationship or if they feel like they aren't succeeding there, they can feel alone in the world. One of my close girlfriends is going through a divorce and her ex is being a total ass. Still I found myself trying to explain his actions because I knew he was doing stupid stuff because he had no one else to lash out at and no one to talk things through with.

Louie also mentioned something that I think men don't talk about either; he said he was in therapy and he wasn't getting where he wanted it to go, so he point-blank asked the guy: what is my problem? The therapist said his over-eating and masterbation all stemmed from anxiety and those habits were what he used to cope with it. How many men drink/drug, gamble, abuse porn, sleep around, leave their families, all because they don't know how to handle their anxieties? A lot!

I have known men who have cheated on their wives/girlfriends and the reason: to connect with someone. Sure there is the bonus of sex, but mostly that too is tied to a release from feeling stressed, confused, unimportant, like a failure, etc. Executives, celebrities, athletes, average Joes, all need to have someone who can listen and relate to them. Like Louie said:  I had some tough times, I could of used a friend. 

So Guys don't wait till you are in a bad way, reach out and make a friend, be a friend, repair a friendship... because everyone needs support, everybody does.

Perspective in a Picture

Pakistani children who survived heavy flooding lie covered with flies- roadside in
Nowshera Pakistan on Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2010 (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)

This photo haunts me. Actually many of these photos haunt me, but mostly this one because I can't imagine having to endure your kids being covered in flies with nothing to feed them and little more that you can do.

Part of the inspiration behind my last post (The HOPE Index) was the floods in Pakistan and the silliness of all the non-stop news about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Glenn Beck, etc. and how ridiculous we have become as consumers of "news"/info. I am as guilty as the next person of keeping up with the latest Hollywood/Washington buzz, but when I catch myself complaining about something or listening to my friends bemoan some relatively trivial inconvenience, I want to shout: ARE YOU KIDDING... ARE YOU HOMELESS, HUNGRY, AND COVERED IN FLIES? THEN SHUT UP!!!

I get we all need a release and it isn't healthy to be constantly focused on all that ails the world, but I do think a dose of real perspective might help: Me, You, and for goodness sake those twits that have nothing better to do than drugs, fear mongering, paparazzi posing, and porn. 

Here's hoping you are having a wonderful day, and if not, I wish that your troubles fly by and don't land too long.