I'm Not Everyone's Cup Of Tea

Coffee #17

Coffee is not my cup of tea. Most people I know enjoy coffee to varying degrees but I have never liked it and don't even enjoy the smell of it brewing. If I don't like coffee does that mean I should feel bad about it? Of course not. 

Same goes with people. I recently ended a longterm friendship with someone who I loved very much because I was not her cup of tea and instead of talking out our differences or respecting them she felt they were divisive and decided to check out of our friendship. (Don't worry she won't see this, she doesn't read my stuff.)

We can choose to be less of ourselves to not offend people, we can choose to blend in so everyone likes us, or we can just be ourselves and let the people who enjoy us be in our lives. And the thing is there isn't anything necessarily wrong with people who choose not to have Joy in their lives. It's ok, I'm just not their cup of tea. 

I like tea. I like me. I find being yourself is much less of a grind when you worry less about everyone liking you and more about people who do like you getting to enjoy the fully roasted, deep, and delicious YOU! :) 

Starting With ME = More Joyful WE!

People say they love their kids. Would do anything for them… give a kidney, run through fire, or protect them from any outsider who wanted to harm them. I believe this to be true.

Ok, great. How about giving them their happiest parent possible? How about 2 happy parents? Would they do that? Would You?

We think taking care of others means doing for them, giving them things, sacrificing our time, energy and money so they can have. No denying that is a part of the equation but many times it’s not and shouldn’t be the key factor. It’s totally un-pc to say this but our happiness is what makes or breaks our relationships and kids. We can’t be exhausted, unfulfilled, uninspired, unhealthy, un-loved-up and expect our family to thrive. Our overall joy☺ is predicated on how happy and healthy we are and how much we have left to share with others. If we’re drained we have nothing to give or we give the backwash.

I was talking with a friend about her sex life and no need to get into details but let’s just say as soon as she started feeling great about herself (working out, getting enough sleep, projects that inspired her) she felt happier and much sexier and her husband saw the benefits. He wanted her to get as happy as she could get if that was the result! They were better as a couple when each were happy individually and came together to create a more joyful home. The Joy Math supposes that what we bring into the equation of partnership has to be greater or equal then what we expect to get out of it. We can't be with someone in whatever capacity (love, friendship, work) and expect them to add more then we are willing to give ourselves. 

It’s far more difficult and unpleasant to be married to, parented by, work with, or be friends with someone who is not flourishing. There are obvious negative-nellies who everyone can clearly see are draining their kids, partner, co-workers and friends, but I’m not talking about that necessarily. I’m more referring to the numb-ers who do, do, do for others and don't give the same or equal to themselves. They numb their needs down which in-turn sets a bad example for their kids of how to live a fulfilling life. Or who are wasting a great marriage by just being in it- not engaging with their love like a lover. And I don’t just mean sex, I mean enjoying life and being with them like it’s an adventure and loveaffair worthy of what they want to create as a family.

Ask your love if they would like to see the happiest most joyful you?

Ask yourself if you don't love seeing them when they're loving their life?

A great way to start is to create your own ME Map and see what is working and not in your current life and start making small increments of change using the Circle Of JOY.

I’m finalizing my WE (Mapping) Workshop, coming this Fall, and one of the key points I’ve found is we can’t be truly happy with someone else if we’re not making our own joy a priority. 

Starting with ME makes us a way better WE!

Reviving Dead Horses, Dodging Charging Bulls

S. Alvarez

It must have been all the old movies and romantic comedies I watched in my youth but I grew up believing big conflicts were usually simple misunderstandings and things always work out in the end. Granted my parents divorced and people I've loved have died, but still I was a hopeful child and grew into a hope-filled adult.

Not naive or unrealistic but I really genuinely thought that if you cared about someone even if you didn't end up with the fairytale you could end up as friends. My first love and I spent his last Christmas together (before he passed away) over a decade after we broke up; another love and I are still close even after they married someone else. Of the four people I've loved in my life only one was unrepairable.

I do this with friendships too. And herein lies the problem, I try and keep things connected even after there is no life left. I've stayed in friendships way past the expiration date. Even after someone's shown me they're not a good -let alone great- friend I've tried to revive that connection because there was still some love left.

You can't keep everyone that's ever been important to you in your life,
otherwise you won't have room for people that might become even more important. 

Ironically a friend who is no longer a close friend told me that. Still brilliant advise. So when a friendship is dying and someone stops carrying I'm learning to let them go... not easy... but you can't revive dead horses.

Another ill advised habit along the same lines is when someone was upset with me I would try and find out why and fix it. Then recently a very wise person told me: sometimes people are just mad and/or nuts... so when they are angry and coming at you don't charge into the situtation and try and fix it. People's anger at you isn't always (read: often) about you. If someone is that mad and you didn't kill their dog, screw their sister, or take their life savings maybe they are angry and you just happen to be in their way.

Rational people that have a valid point talk things out like adults, mad people are mad and instead of trying to reason with a charging bull run the other way or at least get out of their path so they don't trample you.

There are plenty of people in the world that will treasure our friendship/relationship, will argue rationally, will even fight fair, but for those that show us they don't or won't, we need to stop reviving and know when to let things go ... and when to stay out of the way.

Find Your Tribe, Create Your Art

Seth Godin has several great books about business and marketing but two of his most important messages are about the broader concept of living our lives: Find Your Tribe & Create Your Art. Here's how I started to do both...

In the Spring of 2002- or as I've come to call it... my time of discombobulation- through the Summer of 2003 I had parted with 1/3 of my friends, 1/3 of my stuff, and almost all of what I thought I'd known for sure. It was disorientating.

Fast-forward to the Spring of 2013 and I'm hosting workshops about what I've learned and the philosophy I've created for myself and my life. One of the key lessons I learned was to declutter the things that aren't working in our life and replace them with aspects that will light us up- this includes the people we choose to spend out precious time with.

I use Seth's book Tribes as the lead-in to this conversation. I talk about how many of us have collected friends by as flimsy of criteria as we went to school, worked, or lived by each other. It's time to stop and ask ourselves if these are the folks we want to continue to invest our energy and time in or are we ready to go find our tribe? The folks we admire, are fascinated by, that value us and make us better at who we are: these folks make up our Tribes.

We don't need to be asked, to be picked, or invited into a tribe- we just join in or begin to lead our own.

I tell the story of how I became a published author, how I was mentioned in pal Amy's book Bright Side Up, and how coming from no background in writing what-so-ever I now have a bunch of writer friends that I consider my tribe. As I explain Seth's point of finding our tribes I open to the inside jacket cover of his book where there is a picture of me in the top corner. Then I deliver the line:

I went from loving books and admiring writers... to being in books and becoming a writer. 

Seth and I are not friends, I made the cover jacket because as an admirer of his work I had gladly sent in a photo when he had asked (not knowing what it was for but trusting it was something fun and worthwhile)- but that's where everyone can start. Find people we are inspired by, marinate in their wisdom, and then go and create our own path with our own message.

Seth's current book The Icarus Deception is all about how now is the time to create our art and get it out into the world.

This is what I am doing with my work and my workshop. And how do I know it is working? Because a friend who took the workshop recently thanked me for some help and ended with: ... you are part of my tribe! 

Seth's brilliance is he observes things, names them, and then expands that concept with his writings so we can participate if the message speaks to us. Finding our tribes and sending our art in to the world... I can't think of two more important things for us to focus on. So thanks Seth, you've made a difference in my world, inspired me to get my art shipped, and helped me explain the importance of finding people we connect with and then creating even more possibilities of art from there.

  

ME Mapping: The Basics & Worksheet

ME Mapping is a technique I developed to look at our lives- the good, the bad, and the ugly- and then sort out what's working from what's not. Check out the basics but you won't really get it until you create one for yourself. You can map on a simple blank piece of paper or below you'll find the worksheet I use when I give introductory talks- try it out, it's free and virtually painless 😜

[ WORKSHEET ]

This is a brief taste of how it feels to get started with ME Mapping (this slidedeck makes up about 25% of my workshop) so if you like it... you'll LOVE joining me for the full workshop.
Next event dates here: The ME Workshop

Mini-ME Talk: If you'd like me to come speak to your group and present ME Mapping Basics please contact me by email with the dates and details for consideration.

Find ME on Facebook:

Happy Mapping!


(Updated from 1/30/13)



(Updated in 2017 for Couples)

WE Mapping! 

Solution To All Your Problems

The problem with our problems is not that there are no solutions it's that we like complaining about them, ignoring them, or using them as excuses more then doing what it takes to fix them.

It's almost always that simple.

Seth Godin was giving a talk and asked people to write down on a card the problem that was holding them back from making their art. They then passed their "problem" to the person next to them who was tasked with writing down a solution. He didn't care if the problem was solved by this random person next to them, there is never a shortage of solutions that can be shot at a problem. But what if they did come up with perfect answer, how many would be willing to act on the solution? And unsolvable problems are their own solution because they are simply limits that need to be worked around or accepted and signal we can now move on.

So if you're stuck ask for solutions, hire an expert if you need to. But my guess is you probably know what the first step to solving your problem is you're just choosing not to do it. No judgment, I'm doing the same thing. I just happen to know that's what I'm doing... do you?

When we label and then carry around problems that aren't solvable we're wasting our time (never going to be able to fly, be 5'7", have magic to bring my loved ones back to life, or have perfect family and friends). Not to say we should give up on something because we haven't found the answer, but come on-- you know the answers to 99% of your problems, have access to find them, or know who does.

The solution to our problems is to move forward and start enacting a solution whether it be ours, an expert's, a random one suggested by the person sitting next to us and then pivot as a better solution comes along. Now the question is will we let something stop us or will we start living into the solutions... only you have that answer.

Scheduling Your Suffering & Sadness

Yesterday I got sucked in... I heard about the bombing at the Boston Marathon and turned on the news and couldn't turn away for a full four hours. My friend Karyn was running the marathon and just last week we were talking about how excited and nervous she was, so to think she might have been in the area when the bomb went off was terrifying. She and her family are safe but I couldn't help think about all the people who were injured and the families and friends waiting to find out if they were ok.

Last night I had to take a shower at 7pm just to wash the ickiness of the worry and sadness off of me. Luckily today it is sunny and I haven't had the tv on yet and have limited my online exposure to the aftermaths. The people affected will live with the nightmare for weeks, months, probably their lifetimes, but for the rest of us we must get back to our lives. Giving blood, donations, checking in with loved ones are all good things to do but we can't get stuck in fear and sadness and let evil, tragedy, and negativity invade the rest of our lives.


Thinking about this reminded me of when my Nonne was dying. She was totally aware she had only a little time left to live and it was within months of my sister's wedding. She was sick the weekend of my sister's shower and when we thought of rescheduling or someone staying with her she said: always go to the happy event. Her philosophy was that we should never give up happiness to wallow in sadness. We took lots of pictures of the beautiful, fun, happy shower and she loved seeing them.

Later that same year I was taking a Landmark Education course and there is an exercise they do were you write down something you are suffering about and they guarantee by the time you complete the exercise your suffering will be gone. I won't give away the details but let's just say at the end of the night I was the only one left still suffering about something and the instructors had no idea what to do with me-- apparently no one had ever not stopped their suffering. What can I say, I'm gifted!

Anyway, on my drive home I am now suffering about how my suffering is so extraordinary that it can't be resolved. I climb into bed exhausted and of course as it almost always does my mind woke me up at 3 a.m. with the answer. Life isn't about not having sadness and suffering in it, it's about understanding why we're in pain and putting it in its proper place. The image came to me of boxes on a shelf that you can't ever get rid of but that you take out and "play" with when you want or need to think about something or someone then you put them back when you're tired of being sad.

The bottom line is if we thought about all the tragedy in the world we would never get out of bed. Yet, if we ignore the suffering and sadness that life has handed us we'll numb ourselves to the joys too. We need to feel things, we need to be sad, occasionally it is good to suffer a little. So schedule yourself some time for a good cry, a sad movie, a date with Ben & Jerry, or give in when the world is in mourning. And when you're done then it's time to put it where it belongs and get to the party. Go to the happy! Because that's what we're here for and that's what our Nonnes, and anyone who loves us, hell... humanity needs and wants for us.

UPDATE: Here's Karyn's post about her experience at marathon: http://t.co/fNcsdnSw4P

Wildest Dreams Club

When Oprah's show was ending I wrote her a letter about her part in inspiring me to get my book deal and how instead of a book club I wanted to start a:

Wildest Dreams Club 

After I wrote about it in a blog post I began asking my friends on their birthdays what their wildest dream was... trust me you don't know your friends fully until you know their wildest dreams!

Why must you have a wildest dream in the first place? Because people who live through their kids are boring and set a horrible example to the exact kids they are trying so hard to raise. Parenting is important, I would even say it's the most important life's work a person can take on, but that said, it can't be the only thing someone does. If you are only living through someone else's dream you are letting a part of yourself die and someday you'll regret it- no matter how perfect your kids turn out. And this is true for only living for your work as well if it's simply a paycheck and not something that brings out your passion.

Not only does living into a dream make you more excited about your own life it adds a new dimension to your relationship. People want to be inspired and proud of their partners, and only talking about and making time for the kids and work is not the most engaging way to connect with your love. Very little is good about divorce but a great after-effect that can be practiced, even (especially) while in a happy marriage, is taking some time out for oneself. Don't wait until you have an empty nest or weekend visitation breaks to work on something that excites you. It doesn't need to be completely world changing it could be a great garden, running a race, taking up painting, travel-- who cares, just find something that you can have passion about and that you can dream and live into.

One of my dreams is to be around people that are enlivened to actively work on their dreams. I believe the old adage is true: you are the sum of the people you spend the most time with. And I want my sum to include people who are leading interesting engaged lives and inspire me to live my best life.

So I'm excited to announce I am hosting my first Wildest Dreams Club dream-together on April 20th. It is by invite only for the people who have done the CREATING2013 workshop. If interested please register and I'll contact you with details (past participants already have received invites). For dates & details of future events see workshop information.

Now you might not live near me or want (for some odd reason) to attend the workshop- no worries, start your own club. Get together people you think will be supportive of others, have some chutzpah, and have a dream of their own. Meet regularly, declare your dreams, see how you can assist each other and build into it anything else you think will make it your own. (Love to hear about it if you do!)

Life goes by so fast, and there are so many things that can bring us down... living into our dreams, even if it takes us a lifetime, is well worth the time and energy spent.

Happy -and Wild- Dreaming!!!

Overwhelmed at the thought of creating a WILD dream? Feel free to start here: