GAME PLAN: Good Guys Guide to Getting Laid & Loved

I believe in love and humanity ♥️

A friend called me recently to tell me about a great date she had and I could tell in her voice she was hopeful. And sure that's not all there is to life but come on that's a great reason we must not give up on love. Because certainly we can all live without a romantic connection but it makes our lives so much sweeter if we can experience that joy!

In the last few years, since Covid, I had begun my own search for my next love and it's been rough. I have matched and at a minimum texted with over 200 men. And let me share that it has been to say the least: underwhelming. When my dating adventures began I would share the dates with my friend Vickie and she would say: oh you must keep a journal of these stories - they're too good! I didn't know what I would do with this information but then I decided she was right let, me put on my curiosity cap 🕵️‍♀️ and see if I could figure out what's happening in this new world I was exploring.

Cookie Theory 🍪

First let me share the theory I have on how we as a society got to the point where men and women are not connecting like we yearn for. It starts with cookies...

When I was in my 20's and thrilled to be working at a job I loved I remember making cookies a few times a year as goodies to bring into the office. I'd make my cookies and put them in a decorative tin and then be delighted if they went before I came to collect it. Now things were different back then- only the women in the office brought in snacks and we would set them up then clean up the mess when the day was done. The men would be the first in line and some would voice appreciation for the buffet of deliciousness in front of them but that was about it. 

I hadn't thought about this for a long time until recently when I was trying to explain how I never really knew how ingrained the patriarchy was until I got it on the cookie level. See most women love to nurture people in their lives. And lots of women around my age and older won't even get why the above story is related to dating. But today it is a subtle but real example of how women treat* men but haven't had the reciprocal-replenishment we need to keep that going. 

                                                                                                                                                  * (pun intended) 

Picking A Path

Now as I see it we have two paths into our new awakening of mens' roles in our world. 

We can shame them for not being evolved, "woke" or feminist-supporting-enough ... or... 

we can share with them the recipe of how to create that for themselves and those they engage with and then reward and rejoice in the ones who get things cooking 🔥

Yes, of course not all men are stuck in the good ol' days but a not-small percentage of single ones are or a new version of it; look at the work of NYU professor Scott Galloway and his warnings of the crisis of isolated young men. And sure some still won't meet up with the times but I'd like to at least invite them all to join in. 

Afterall, we as a collective society trained men to show up and grab cookies and we would be happy to make more and of course clean up after them. Women made things comfy and now we expect them to catch up and pick up on all the nuance and clues in social and dating situations and shame them when they don’t. Not at all our fault per se, but we (their mothers, sisters, coworkers and friends) did contribute to feeding into that dynamic. 

Keys and Porn 

This is in addition to other big changes in the last few decades- we went from latchkey kids to helicopter parenting. Participation trophies and micro-parenting took over. I assure you my Dad had no idea who my teacher was or even where my schools were located. Nor did most dads make doctors appointments or keep track of fieldtrip slips. There was a reason Mr. Mom was such a hysterical and timely movie when it came out. 

Fast forward to today and we went from modest homes to McMansions, to curated childhoods shown off on social media. Don't do without because we have easy-put-it-on-credit-lifestyles. Teens now are bombarded with images of filtered perfection on their phone of their own classmates, where we would have to wait to see models in the monthly copy of Seventeen magazine to judge ourselves. Needless to say we've ALL had a spin-y change in expectations and societal pressures. 

And that's before we even get to the most monumental transformation in dating and mating: 

online-on-demand porn! 

Sure they had nudie magazines years ago and if you were an adult you could go behind the velevet curtain at the video store and rent a porno. But most teens saw a first glimpse of it through the squiggly scrambled lines of cable's naughty channels. There was not porn coming into our home without our approval and a high price tag. 

Today porn is free and not just flowing into young people's pockets but it's the most diverse graphic degrading porn there has ever been. Seeing a pair of boobs in Playboy was enough of a thrill but now many men have so numbed themselves that.. well you know how far it's gotten. In the olden days of 800-lines you would at least still need to use your imagination but now you can Only-fans your way into a woman performing fantasies in front of your very eyes.  

Men don't need to get to the gym, go meet people, ask women out and shine their shoes to go on actual dates. They can get pseudo-gratification 24-hours a day from their La-Z-boys with no limit on what they can search for. 

It's not good! It's made a big chunk of men unmotivated and apathetic to dating let alone proper romantic courting. It's made them turn to porn instead of real life women. That and their exes and bad experiences have often wounded and hurt them making them give up on the search for true intimacy at all.

If you're a male who has lived through #MeToo, a woman boss, and hopefully the first female president, you've experienced the most dramatic male expectations transformation ever!

GAME PLAN

This all leads back to my project. I had gotten so annoyed with the poor app profiles and ghosting and sucky communication with possible matches and just in general the apathy coming at me daily that I was disheartened! Then a wave of empathy hit me and I realized men have whiplash 🫨 They went from being handed cookies to being expected to evolve into a new non-toxic-masculinity way of being without much guidance or many role-models.

So I could either continue to be deeply disappointed or I could share what I thought might help. This is my attempt at a solution with what I know and mapped out (you know that's my gift) before sex-robots are readily available and we stop getting together as a species at all 😜

With deep sincerity I leave this as an offering because I love men and I still have hope that LOVE & JOY finds us all 🥰

Bears, Men and the Roman Empire

I have been deep in love with three men in my life, adore my Father, am close to my Uncle and since childhood have always had at least one or two best guy pals. 

                                I ❤️ MEN!

And, last week I had a reminder of why they're also hard to navigate and maddening to sometimes communicate with. Let me try and dive in...

There was a social media meme going around last winter about women asking men how often they think of the Roman Empire and shockingly, to women at least, it's a lot. Not every and probably not even most but many think of it a couple times a week, with some thinking of it daily. 

A friend was explaining the concept to her husband and she said it's roughly equivalent to about how often women think about their personal safety. He didn't totally get what she meant, so she went on to explain the average woman thinks about if she's safe all the time. At night, in a dark parking lot, when approached by a random man, when a repair person comes into her home- and then he got it. 

Most men rarely have to think about their safety and if they do it's usually in a situation where maybe even a cop or buff bodybuilder would too. Sketchy neighborhood, angry yahoos with guns, bar fights when they're not as young as the use to be- but not daily or even weekly.

Then a take-off meme appeared a few weeks ago where women were asking their guys about which would they choose to leave their daughter with alone in a forrest: a bear or a man? Then asked: bear or woman? Most men had to pause on man/bear but not on woman/bear. And then it turned to people asking the women directly. Lots of reasons but this sums it up pretty well: 

In bears' defense: there are only 40 people killed by bears each year in the US according to the National Parks Service. More are killed by bee stings. 

Ok, now back to me and the reason for this post... 

I was chatting with a guy I matched with on Hinge and he was cute but the reason I liked him was because he had two dad jokes on his profile that were pretty funny. Sweet and playful I thought and we got right to flirting. And there was a few days of fun banter but then it went off the rails when he suggested if we were going to meet up he'd like a blowjob. I thought we were still joking and then he got mad and claimed I was a tease. 

Now there are plenty of sites to go on if you are looking for easy sex connections but going on a dating site implies (at least to me) you are there to at a minimum casually date. 

I thought maybe I had made him defensive because we had indeed gotten pretty flirty but I write this to share that even if you're a good guy just looking for some fun sex- it's scary out there for women:

• 1 in 3 women have been experienced some form of abuse from an intimate partner.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
• Globally as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.
• Many of us grew up when the #1 sitcom dad in America later turned out to be a serial rapist. 

But I get it if you're not a violent person why would you think of safety as women's top concern? I can see how that would make a non-violent guy defensive like I would be offended if someone assumed something about me and saw my playful banter then assertion of boundaries as a red flag to them. 

Listen my brother-in-law is one of the most decent guys I know- in the family we tease him about being the favorite and inline for sainthood. I mean he literally volunteers at a foodbank to feed the hungry. So I know there are amazing, kind, considerate men everywhere I look! 

The problem for women is it's not always clear which is which  🤔

Even the ones we think are good guys, sometimes aren't the people you're safe in a room with. And I'll just leave this here because he's a dad of two daughters, one of the most beloved comedians, and he is (ironically 🙄 ) brilliant enough to sum it all up together...

Theme 2024

For the last 15 years I've been posting my Theme for the Year on here, and I never worry about coming up with a word or phrase that will capture what I want to focus on but this year had me stumped until it came to me: ME

A few months ago I was in the middle of worrying about two friends at a time that both were going through upset. And I tried to be there for both of them and I think I was a good friend but later during some conversations about each issue they were dealing with - open heart surgery for one's spouse, heartbreak over a relationship for the other- I realized I had been exhausted by situations that turned out fine and there was nothing I could have done about either. 

I'm not a people-pleaser but I am a huge people-helper; not consciously and also not always helpfully. When someone shares a problem with me I take a piece of it and try and "help" them with their burden. This comes from trying to make things OK when my folks were going through their divorce and it helped make me feel I had more control over my life and environment but it's not a healthy practice. 

Add to this both of these dear friends had supported me when I went through a bad break up a few years back. Sure I had helped them when they were in rough times but something felt like I still owed them this almost extreme empathy when they were in pain. I was wrong. 

I've gotten way way better over the years practicing observing and not absorbing people's drama and asking myself if these are my monkeys or not. But when talking to these friends they shared they don't need my help just my ear and compassion.

There are times when we need to step up and repay people's kindnesses but I had kept these friends' buckets full of love and friendship so they didn't need anything from me. 

2023 was also the year I became completely debtfree. I know some have been for years, decades or had never even carried that burden but when I left the relationship I was referring to I left with nothing we shared even the car I was driving. 

I'm stepping into 2024 owing no one anything, so in that vein, even though it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm going to try and focus exclusively on: 

What's best 4 ME?  

Meaning, not worrying about anyone else but myself. I know that's sound selfish which is why I warmed you into it. But frankly, it's none of your business what I'm focusing on so ha 😜   

That's my invitation for you to join if you want. Let's try to not worry about anything but our own fitness, finances, romances (although follow along with Tay and Trav's if that floats your boat) or anything else that will bring us joy, health and happiness. 

I mean I am going to need you to vote to save democracy, but that's not til November!

 

So how about we tend to what needs tending but along the way practice serenity and giving up worrying about anything not in our control or to our benefit. The people in our lives want what's best for us and us being at our best is what's best for us all!

Happy New Year 🥳 and Cheers 🥂 to all there is in store for ME 😁

Creating YOUR Year ... 🎊 🖌️

2023 was DEEP and delightful  ... but I believe 2024 is going to MY YEAR!!

Happy Mapping and Cheers to a JOYFUL 2024! 

Going to Hell 🔥

I recently had a very heartbreaking conversation with one of my closest friends. It was the second time one of my besties had told me that I was going to Hell. Not in the angry way like... go to Hell. But in that because I don't believe in Jesus as my lord and savior I, and anyone else who doesn't accept this, was going to end up there. 

I do genuinely love them for their concern for my soul and honestly if you truly believe that and you're not trying to warn the people you love, I think that makes you a sucky friend.

But, no matter how much I'd like to believe in an entity that is looking over and taking care of me and when I die I go to a magical place where I'm reunited with the ones I love, I just can't. And if you know how much I love Ted, you know I would do anything to have this be true. 

Actually what's more upsetting to me then going to Hell is worshipping a God that would create and send his people to be tortured for eternity- that guy sounds like a real meanie. He's so narcissistic and delicate that if you don't worship him and praise him he punishes you forever? He creates the game of life where to whom and the place you're born dictates access to him? 

Sick children. That's my proof there isn't a personal God. 

Believers say it's because our society has done something to warrant this or that God works in mysterious ways that are beyond our comprehension. To that I say, hmm... well if He makes it so hard to understand and comprehend him it's clearly his bad design and fuzzy communication that is the issue. 

I'm normally to each his own, but I must say I kinda take it personally that people I love would worship an entity that is going to be torturing me. Ok, I haven't been a saint so maybe me... but children? For eternity?! Maybe I'm just being too sensitive 🤔 but really????

I believe in kindness. I believe in doing the right thing because it's easier to live in one's own skin when we are nice for no other reason than it's a more pleasant way to be in the world.

What do you believe in... a God that could heal children and doesn't? A God that makes praise of him mandatory for salvation? For me, I have to believe if there was an Almighty Loving God then he would heal children and would never send them to Hell because of something that had nothing to do with them- for that would be sick and evil, amiright?!

So this holiday season, maybe instead of giving to your church or house of worship may I suggest you take this as a sign ✨ and join me in giving to St. Jude's instead. Yes, I know the irony 😉  but this is an organization trying to cure children's cancer (Danny Thomas loved St Jude, but it's not a Catholic hospital) and I think those doctors, nurses and scientists are the ones we should actually be giving praise to. 

Joy to You and all you love ❤

You Could Be My Silver Spring

Last night I went to see a Fleetwood Mac tribute band and even though not the real thing they were fantastic and when it got to this song I got the chills like I always do when hearing it. Even before I knew what the lyrics meant I loved it. But let's take a minute to explore the genius of them... 

Before Taylor Swift was even born Stevie Nicks was writing about her ex and bandmate Lindsey Buckingham. And as if it's not hard enough to witness a gifted songwriter put your relationship on paper and hear it on the radio... imagine having to then sing the words to her

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me

I mean, brutal!

The term came from when she saw an exit sign while driving for Silver Springs Maryland. She liked the sound of it and thought: it sounded like a pretty fabulous place to me. And 'You could be my silver springs', that's just a whole symbolic thing of what you could have been to me.

That's what is so evocative about the song and the idea: what someone could have meant to us if they would have let us love them. 

One of the hardest and I think saddest parts of a life is not having things come together like we hope they could. Timing, communication, stubborn pride.. oh, what might have been casts a spell and haunts us. 

I hope we all find our Silver Spring and it's a fabulous place/time where we don't have to imagine but can live the love that is meant for us. And let this serve as a reminder that it's better to have fully tried and given into love. And if it's not meant to be then we had the strength to clean it up instead of never being able to get away from the wo/men who loved us.  

Rock on Stevie 🤘

[And before we feel too bad for Lindsey ... he returned the favor with Go Your Own Way. These two 🙄 ]

Slap, Slap... STOP!

 gettyimages.com Creator: Kevin Mazur | Credit: WireImage

Words are not violence. But boy, did Chris Rock use them to hurt last night!

Chris closed his Netflix special by finally addressing the Will Smith slap and as expected from a comic master he knew where to land a punch. It was brutal. He took on Will, Jada and ended with a swipe at Will's family situation- both his marriage and how he was raised by his parents. 

It was a masterful use of language and comedic timing but all I could think was that amount of anger is a sign that while his face may have healed his emotions are as raw and bruised as they were a year ago. 

Will was clearly wrong. Jada was not helpful. Chris not always an angel himself.

While fans of each are now taking sides I can't help thinking: make it STOP!!

These are good people who let things get out of hand. And yes, Will was definitely the asshole that night, but he has also apologized publicly as well. Not saying Chris should forgive someone who hit him- no one should have to forgive an abuser. But look at what these three humans use to bring out in each other: laughter and love.

It's just beyond sad that hurt lead to more hurt. 

It's Will's responsibility to make this right since it was his temper that lead to the violence. Saying you're sorry is not enough for causing physical harm to another person. He is worth an estimated $350M. Maybe a big chunk of that should be his penance. Offer Chris $25M and see if that takes away not just the sting but helps demonstrate that Will values him and knows what he did was real damage to not just his person but his wellbeing and pride. And maybe then Chris could use a big chunk of his big chunk to sponsor a Boys & Girls Club. 

Not to Oprah-fy everything, but this could have really been an opportunity to show how two men who have both had been bullied growing up can settle their differences and repair damage they received and then created in their lives. After all, Chris had done an amazing job talking about the harm he caused cheating on his wife. His Tamborine special was a brave and enlightened way to share what he learned about marriage. What could these three have created to make a difference in our messed up world?!

It wasn't done to me, but I am nonetheless sad that two of my favorite entertainers are putting more hate and slaps out for us to witness. Don't like it and would really really like it to stop  🥺    

Theme 2023

Being isolated on and off for the last couple years made people crave being close, yet we were all a little rusty with our social skills. So while it was great to be with people, I still found things to be kinda... surfacey.

This year I want to get DEEP with people and myself. And not like tell me about your childhood deep-- just not shallow, small talk, busy making. I was also reminded while visiting my family in Florida over the holidays that low-tide leaves things mucky and to get to calm and clear you need to go deep into the water and away from the choppy surface 🌊

So that's where I hope to spend 2023... in deep conversations, in deep thought, in deep work, in deep love! Even if it's just dating with an openness to not be stingy and closed off from the possibility of all the ways love can show up in our lives or checking in with friends and getting to the core of how they really are doing not just the pleasantries. 

What about you? 

Come join in if you haven't created your year yet and check out past themes if you want to get some inspiration. And remember: there is no right way to create a theme or year- you do you!

Cheers to 2023 🎊🥂 and all the DEEP JOY that can be for YOU and for ME 🤗