(Not So) Bad (Not So) Good Guy

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to pull this off without offending someone and expressing myself just right but like I said in my previous post I do think the conversation about the Masculinity Crisis is of great importance so I'm going to give it a go. 

BE FOREWARNED: If you are easily offended skip this one 😬

First let me go back to where it all started... I was a HUGE fan of the Charlie Rose Show (yes, I know 😼). So when he had Louis CK (LCK) on for the hour I watched and was so delighted by their conversation. It was also around the time he did the bit on Conan about Everything's Amazing and I became an instant fan.

Well let me restate that... a huge fan of his interviews on TV because they were clean and calm and he was more himself. His comedy was quite vulgar and crude so I wasn't always a big fan of that. But when his FX show came out and he would talk about how he wrote, directed and edited it as well as starred in it, I knew he wasn't the schlub he was pretending to be on stage. He's a smarty.

And if you listened to his interview with his best friend of many years Marc Maron you also knew he was a soft and sensitive guy as well.

So that's where my crush came from for those wondering. 

Ok, back to the Theo Von interview and LCK's confession of being a sex addict... the thing that bugged me at first was when he said he was and still is confused about all of it. So below is my attempt to try and explain my understanding of why that might be. And I share this not to defend him but to have a real conversation about what things have changed for both men and women. Because if we don't begin to understand each other things are just going to get more divided and that would be bad for ALL of us. 

Here goes...

Theo brought up that what LCK had done wasn't that bad... well... it wasn't if you compared it to others in the industry:

• Cosby: Serial rapist who drugged women for decades and never admitted any wrongdoing. 
• Woody Allen: Even if you don't believe his daughter Dylan, which I do, he seduced his girlfriend's under-21-daughter who he had been at least a parental figure to. 
• Diddy: Hosted hottest party in the Hamptons and was .. well you know- really bad boy stuff!
• Trump: The man was caught on tape saying proudly he grabs women by the p#ssy and more than a few dozen came forward to say he sexually assaulted them. Not to mention he was best friends with a pedophile he had "wonderful secrets" with AND yet got elected TWICE to the highest office in the land/world. 

So by those measures, asking women if he could masturbate in front of them is minor league. 

Plus I'm sure for some this could also be confusing:

• Sarah Silverman: When they were younger her and her sister would often allow him to masturbate in front of them and she said she wasn't bothered by it and thought it was funny.
• Chelsie Handler: Is applauded as a strong woman while skiing down hills and then posting pictures of herself topless.

Up until the last few years I didn't enjoy either of them because I thought they were too much, and too crude for my tastes as well. But as they've aged and as Chelsie has talked about what she's learned in therapy - which is really profound and deep- I have really enjoyed both of them. And let's face it most of the top female comics for much of my life have had to be bawdy and ballsy to compete in the male dominated world. 

Don't even get me started on the Kardashians. You should know I really dislike what they stand for and it's personal to me. They are only famous because the name was associated with getting the killer of my high school friend, Ron Goldman, off for murder. That Kim was touted as having broken the internet for showing her butt on a magazine cover 😏 and how they took feminism back decades in what young girls think is successful by making BILLIONS modifying their bodies and flaunting sex is disheartening. 

All to say, for LCK and others it might be confusing what is truly bad and what can get you fame, money and an election. 

BUT...

Here is why it was really bad and was not OK for him to go back on the road before he cleaned it up and be flippant while standing in front of the SORRY sign joking about it. 

Sure the apology while decent compared to those denying their offenses was still jerky because he mentioned repeatedly that the women who were cornered admired him and that's why he shouldn't have asked them.

Nope not the reason! 

Many of them didn't admire him, they were just there for a job at their place of work and it was creepy to even ask. Also when a few talked about what had happened they were threatened to be blackballed by his agent. Not cool.

Though here's the main reason it was indeed so bad...

When you get assaulted by a stranger or a creepy uncle or a lech like Harvey Weinstein, it is gross and traumatic and will make a person hyper cautious of men/places that give them the ick. But when the man who they think is their pal or a good guy makes them feel unsafe then you have to be on-guard for every man because now you can't trust your own judgement. 

None of those women were new to seeing a penis- that wasn't the trauma- but to be put in a position that you're not sure if you will be raped or killed or maybe the least of it fired. It takes a person to be super strong or play along for her own safety. That shakes a person. 

Reminder, for those unaware: 

• 1 in 3 women have been experienced some form of abuse from an intimate partner.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
• Globally as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.

And the ironic thing is his act is brilliant at explaining EXACTLY this...

So...

Louis, you took their trust in humanity and their judgement away from them. 

That was a very shitty thing to do!! 💩

Now, back to bringing us all together... there is nothing wrong with sex, or skiing naked or letting our friends/dates/pros see us enjoying ourselves. But time, place, permission and reading the room is called for. If in doubt, don't even ask to pull it out!!!

My guess is that LCK is not as confused as he claims, but wisely is again playing a little dense because he's afraid to say our society sends mixed signals when we can be sexual/aggressive and get a pass. As I mentioned in the last post the Masculinity Crisis affects everything. I get why in his asking he thought he was not that horrible and then being hated felt so scary for him. But not for nothing, when he said he didn't feel safe anywhere, that's how many women feel all the time. 

The bear... women chose to be alone with a bear for God's sakes!

So my hope is that this makes people see the other side and the disservice of us living on two sides of the patriarchy. And hopefully we all weed out the true sociopaths and the good guys at heart get another chance to do the work and become DUE Gooders. 

The Hole

Elizabeth "Eat, Pray, Love" Gilbert was on Oprah's book club and was describing her feeling, as a love-addict, as having a deep God-sized hole in her. 

So so descriptive! Even if not a fan, I recommend you watch it because she is very raw and it was a shocking -even by Oprah's standards- interview. It was also the second time in a month I had heard someone describe a profound alone, brokenness in them. 

The other was when I was reading my faux-love, Ivan Lewy Moody's, book of poetry which is almost all about being alone in the world and empty inside 😢

Now I've been sad and depressed at different times of my life but never have I felt like what they were describing. Lucky for me not even close. BUT... I have loved people who have not loved themselves so I know how real and painful and hellacious it can be to live with that. 

And of course I have sympathy for the people that feel that way, I do... and I also find it to be one of the most narcissistic ways to be in the world. [Keep reading I get nicer, this is the tough love part]. To think you are so special that you need to be loved by others and be above the basics of the human condition is ridiculous. And I don't mean that as a kid or young person- that is indeed tragic- but if you're an adult and you've seen how lucky we are to even be alive and you're going to waste this precious life suffering about what you don't have, I BEG you to do yourself and humanity a solid and get therapy (+ meds + a dog 🐶) and heal yourself 🙏

This was also top of mind because I can't stop thinking about what would drive a person to catfish another person, if not for money, and my guess it's the same emptiness about their life. So this was super fresh when... my other parasocial relationship, Louis CK (LCK), pops up in interviews last weekend. 

I had thought I had figured out LCK's deal when he started touring again and even while standing in front of a giant SORRY sign refused to acknowledge just how bad he had f#cked up. It pained me to think he was a cold unremorseful creep and I was still smarting for ever having had crushed on him. Well 🙄  

He was promoting his book on Theo Von's podcast and more than halfway through he brings up how he is a sex-addict and has had the compulsion since he masturbated as a child. And yes, some sociopaths could pull that out as an excuse to rehabilitate their reputation but he takes responsibility in a way I was moved to tears. It was what I had hoped for eight years back. A must watch... (to go to confession part 01:30:00)

I'm writing this post because I feel like it is one of the most important conversations today. If you haven't already heard about it we are living through a huge Masculinity Crisis. Scott Galloway (NYU professor, author, podcaster) describes it as the biggest issue affecting everything from politics to mating. 

When I started to think about how all these stories kept describing a hole, cavern, numbness, emptiness it gave me a flashback to Nathan Sawaya's amazing Lego art piece, Yellow. It is one of my favorite sculptures and I think it's a good way to illustrate how this appears to me.

If we start out feeling empty inside we will naturally search out love. But even if we are lucky enough to find some (and feel the joy that comes along with it) if we have a hole in us we won't absorb it, and it will leak right out. And that will make us just feel even more empty, and then unlovable, which will continue the cycle.

It took me into my late 40's to realize one can't love another unless they truly love themself. And the key is no matter how much love someone has for you or pours into you, wholeness and love is an inside job.

So if you have kids, especially boys, show them how you love yourself and others in a healthy way. Because you deserve that! Therapy, 12-step program SLAA, God, this book, duct tape... whatever it takes heal that hole in you so you feel the love that is available in this world. 

I wrote the above poem to express what it feels like to love someone who's hole won't let them feel it. It's its own kind of torture. But I also know it's possible to heal in life and I hope this image and these words will allow anyone who needs it to fill the hole with wholeness and JOY 

                                                                                 ❤️‍🩹

GAME PLAN: Good Guys Guide to Getting Laid & Loved

I believe in love and humanity ♥️

A friend called me recently to tell me about a great date she had and I could tell in her voice she was hopeful. And sure that's not all there is to life but come on that's a great reason we must not give up on love. Because certainly we can all live without a romantic connection but it makes our lives so much sweeter if we can experience that joy!

In the last few years, since Covid, I had begun my own search for my next love and it's been rough. I have matched and at a minimum texted with over 200 men. And let me share that it has been to say the least: underwhelming. When my dating adventures began I would share the dates with my friend Vickie and she would say: oh you must keep a journal of these stories - they're too good! I didn't know what I would do with this information but then I decided she was right, let me put on my curiosity cap 🕵️‍♀️ and see if I could figure out what's happening in this new world I was exploring.

Cookie Theory 🍪

First let me share the theory I have on how we as a society got to the point where men and women are not connecting like we yearn for. It starts with cookies...

When I was in my 20's and thrilled to be working at a job I loved I remember making cookies a few times a year as goodies to bring into the office. I'd make my cookies and put them in a decorative tin and then be delighted if they went before I came to collect it. Now things were different back then- only the women in the office brought in snacks and we would set them up then clean up the mess when the day was done. The men would be the first in line and some would voice appreciation for the buffet of deliciousness in front of them but that was about it. 

I hadn't thought about this for a long time until recently when I was trying to explain how I never really knew how ingrained the patriarchy was until I got it on the cookie level. See most women love to nurture people in their lives. And lots of women around my age and older won't even get why the above story is related to dating. But today it is a subtle but real example of how women treat* men but haven't had the reciprocal-replenishment we need to keep that going. 

                                                                                                                                                  * (pun intended) 

Picking A Path

Now as I see it we have two paths into our new awakening of mens' roles in our world. 

We can shame them for not being evolved, "woke" or feminist-supporting-enough ... or... 

we can share with them the recipe of how to create that for themselves and those they engage with and then reward and rejoice in the ones who get things cooking 🔥

Yes, of course not all men are stuck in the good ol' days but a not-small percentage of single ones are or a new version of it; look at the work of NYU professor Scott Galloway and his warnings of the crisis of isolated young men. And sure some still won't meet up with the times but I'd like to at least invite them all to join in. 

Afterall, we as a collective society trained men to show up and grab cookies and we would be happy to make more and of course clean up after them. Women made things comfy and now we expect them to catch up and pick up on all the nuance and clues in social and dating situations and shame them when they don’t. Not at all our fault per se, but we (their mothers, sisters, coworkers and friends) did contribute to feeding into that dynamic. 

Keys and Porn 

This is in addition to other big changes in the last few decades- we went from latchkey kids to helicopter parenting. Participation trophies and micro-parenting took over. I assure you my Dad had no idea who my teacher was or even where my schools were located. Nor did most dads make doctors appointments or keep track of fieldtrip slips. There was a reason Mr. Mom was such a hysterical and timely movie when it came out. 

Fast forward to today and we went from modest homes to McMansions, to curated childhoods shown off on social media. Don't do without because we have easy-put-it-on-credit-lifestyles. Teens now are bombarded with images of filtered perfection on their phone of their own classmates, where we would have to wait to see models in the monthly copy of Seventeen magazine to judge ourselves. Needless to say we've ALL had a spin-y change in expectations and societal pressures. 

And that's before we even get to the most monumental transformation in dating and mating: 

online-on-demand porn! 

Sure they had nudie magazines years ago and if you were an adult you could go behind the velevet curtain at the video store and rent a porno. But most teens saw a first glimpse of it through the squiggly scrambled lines of cable's naughty channels. There was not porn coming into our home without our approval and a high price tag. 

Today porn is free and not just flowing into young people's pockets but it's the most diverse graphic degrading porn there has ever been. Seeing a pair of boobs in Playboy was enough of a thrill but now many men have so numbed themselves that.. well you know how far it's gotten. In the olden days of 800-lines you would at least still need to use your imagination but now you can Only-fans your way into a woman performing fantasies in front of your very eyes.  

Men don't need to get to the gym, go meet people, ask women out and shine their shoes to go on actual dates. They can get pseudo-gratification 24-hours a day from their La-Z-boys with no limit on what they can search for. 

It's not good! It's made a big chunk of men unmotivated and apathetic to dating let alone proper romantic courting. It's made them turn to porn instead of real life women. That and their exes and bad experiences have often wounded and hurt them making them give up on the search for true intimacy at all.

If you're a male who has lived through #MeToo, a woman boss, and hopefully the first female president*, you've experienced the most dramatic male expectations transformation ever!

GAME PLAN

This all leads back to my project. I had gotten so annoyed with the poor app profiles and ghosting and sucky communication with possible matches and just in general the apathy coming at me daily that I was disheartened! Then a wave of empathy hit me and I realized men have whiplash 🫨 They went from being handed cookies to being expected to evolve into a new non-toxic-masculinity way of being without much guidance or many role-models.

So I could either continue to be deeply disappointed or I could share what I thought might help. This is my attempt at a solution with what I know and mapped out (you know that's my gift) before sex-robots are readily available and we stop getting together as a species at all 😜

With deep sincerity I leave this as an offering because I love men and I still have hope that LOVE & JOY finds us all 🥰

When Can #MeToo Men Return?

When are we letting the #MeToo men out of the doghouse? The debate has begun and I think it's a pretty simple but hard answer... when they're ready to END, MEND, and make AMENDS.

END: They can come back when they've ended the behavior that caused the problem in the first place. And that means: end denying they did it, end blowing off that it was just boys-being-boys, end making women the problem because they stood up for themselves, and end any adjacent behavior that led to women being unsafe in their workplace, home or presence. 

MEND: They can come back when they have healed their own wounds that caused them to inflict themselves on others in the first place. Therapy, rehab, whatever it takes to have admitted their behavior was unacceptable and have begun to get in a healthy place for themselves so they can healthily be with others. 

Not just well-behaved because they're on-guard when being watched; if they haven't gotten help they'll find a new way to exploit others.  

AMENDS: Most of the men who behaved badly probably are going to avoid for various reasons actual criminal consequences for what they've done. That doesn't mean that the women they harassed, assaulted or even raped got to go back to their jobs, families and lives and just move on. Real restitution and amends need to be made to the women that these men caused harm to even when they are not legally forced to do so. If they want back in our sphere they need to have proven they have owned up and repaired- or at least attempted to- the situation.   

We shouldn't let them feel ostracized for a bit then everything's OK if the victims of their abuse haven't gotten an apology and a valid real attempt to be made whole for whatever they were subjected to. 

Simple, but hard for damaged guys to be able to do. 

Forgiveness should be given freely and I believe everyone is redeemable... but they have to do the work first. Otherwise they don't really mean it. If they can't end, mend and make amends they haven't learned the harm they've caused, haven't healed the brokenness in themselves to feel for others, and aren't taking responsibility for cleaning up their messes. 

And if they won't do that they can stay away for good! 

____________________________________________________________

Also see: Due Gooders

[Note: Dogs are too good to be compared to these men but it is meant figuratively. 

And it also goes without saying but will say it anyway... there were both m/f abusers who abused men and children as well. All abusers need to be accountable to be forgiven.]