SomeBODY Wants YOU 👀

My Mother passed away on the afternoon of November 14th, 2014. And as my siblings and I sat there exhausted from being at her bedside for the last 10 hours waiting for her final moments, a nurse came in and gently asked if we would be open to allowing her eyes to be donated. I looked at her and questioned would they really be able to use this not so healthy smoker's corneas in someone else? She said: absolutely! 

As soon as the nurse left my sister and I looked at each other and laughingly burst into tears.

You see my Mother loved, loved, loved Rick Steves, the PBS travel guy who would do wonderful shows beautifully shot of his trips all over Europe. She would occasionally even make a pledge to the local PBS channel so she could get the latest DVD of his adventures. 

The idea that my Mother might get to see more of the world (even if just more of Chicagoland) that she didn't get to see in life filled us with happiness. Besides, she always thought her eyes were one of her best features 😉

My point is... some BODY got to benefit from this big loss of ours. 

Please discuss your wishes with your family and sign up to become an organ donor today so on your last day you will live on and you'll be some other family's hero too  🦸🏻‍♂️

GAME PLAN: Good Guys Guide to Getting Laid & Loved

I believe in love and humanity ♥️

A friend called me recently to tell me about a great date she had and I could tell in her voice she was hopeful. And sure that's not all there is to life but come on that's a great reason we must not give up on love. Because certainly we can all live without a romantic connection but it makes our lives so much sweeter if we can experience that joy!

In the last few years, since Covid, I had begun my own search for my next love and it's been rough. I have matched and at a minimum texted with over 200 men. And let me share that it has been to say the least: underwhelming. When my dating adventures began I would share the dates with my friend Vickie and she would say: oh you must keep a journal of these stories - they're too good! I didn't know what I would do with this information but then I decided she was right, let me put on my curiosity cap 🕵️‍♀️ and see if I could figure out what's happening in this new world I was exploring.

Cookie Theory 🍪

First let me share the theory I have on how we as a society got to the point where men and women are not connecting like we yearn for. It starts with cookies...

When I was in my 20's and thrilled to be working at a job I loved I remember making cookies a few times a year as goodies to bring into the office. I'd make my cookies and put them in a decorative tin and then be delighted if they went before I came to collect it. Now things were different back then- only the women in the office brought in snacks and we would set them up then clean up the mess when the day was done. The men would be the first in line and some would voice appreciation for the buffet of deliciousness in front of them but that was about it. 

I hadn't thought about this for a long time until recently when I was trying to explain how I never really knew how ingrained the patriarchy was until I got it on the cookie level. See most women love to nurture people in their lives. And lots of women around my age and older won't even get why the above story is related to dating. But today it is a subtle but real example of how women treat* men but haven't had the reciprocal-replenishment we need to keep that going. 

                                                                                                                                                  * (pun intended) 

Picking A Path

Now as I see it we have two paths into our new awakening of mens' roles in our world. 

We can shame them for not being evolved, "woke" or feminist-supporting-enough ... or... 

we can share with them the recipe of how to create that for themselves and those they engage with and then reward and rejoice in the ones who get things cooking 🔥

Yes, of course not all men are stuck in the good ol' days but a not-small percentage of single ones are or a new version of it; look at the work of NYU professor Scott Galloway and his warnings of the crisis of isolated young men. And sure some still won't meet up with the times but I'd like to at least invite them all to join in. 

Afterall, we as a collective society trained men to show up and grab cookies and we would be happy to make more and of course clean up after them. Women made things comfy and now we expect them to catch up and pick up on all the nuance and clues in social and dating situations and shame them when they don’t. Not at all our fault per se, but we (their mothers, sisters, coworkers and friends) did contribute to feeding into that dynamic. 

Keys and Porn 

This is in addition to other big changes in the last few decades- we went from latchkey kids to helicopter parenting. Participation trophies and micro-parenting took over. I assure you my Dad had no idea who my teacher was or even where my schools were located. Nor did most dads make doctors appointments or keep track of fieldtrip slips. There was a reason Mr. Mom was such a hysterical and timely movie when it came out. 

Fast forward to today and we went from modest homes to McMansions, to curated childhoods shown off on social media. Don't do without because we have easy-put-it-on-credit-lifestyles. Teens now are bombarded with images of filtered perfection on their phone of their own classmates, where we would have to wait to see models in the monthly copy of Seventeen magazine to judge ourselves. Needless to say we've ALL had a spin-y change in expectations and societal pressures. 

And that's before we even get to the most monumental transformation in dating and mating: 

online-on-demand porn! 

Sure they had nudie magazines years ago and if you were an adult you could go behind the velevet curtain at the video store and rent a porno. But most teens saw a first glimpse of it through the squiggly scrambled lines of cable's naughty channels. There was not porn coming into our home without our approval and a high price tag. 

Today porn is free and not just flowing into young people's pockets but it's the most diverse graphic degrading porn there has ever been. Seeing a pair of boobs in Playboy was enough of a thrill but now many men have so numbed themselves that.. well you know how far it's gotten. In the olden days of 800-lines you would at least still need to use your imagination but now you can Only-fans your way into a woman performing fantasies in front of your very eyes.  

Men don't need to get to the gym, go meet people, ask women out and shine their shoes to go on actual dates. They can get pseudo-gratification 24-hours a day from their La-Z-boys with no limit on what they can search for. 

It's not good! It's made a big chunk of men unmotivated and apathetic to dating let alone proper romantic courting. It's made them turn to porn instead of real life women. That and their exes and bad experiences have often wounded and hurt them making them give up on the search for true intimacy at all.

If you're a male who has lived through #MeToo, a woman boss, and hopefully the first female president*, you've experienced the most dramatic male expectations transformation ever!

GAME PLAN

This all leads back to my project. I had gotten so annoyed with the poor app profiles and ghosting and sucky communication with possible matches and just in general the apathy coming at me daily that I was disheartened! Then a wave of empathy hit me and I realized men have whiplash 🫨 They went from being handed cookies to being expected to evolve into a new non-toxic-masculinity way of being without much guidance or many role-models.

So I could either continue to be deeply disappointed or I could share what I thought might help. This is my attempt at a solution with what I know and mapped out (you know that's my gift) before sex-robots are readily available and we stop getting together as a species at all 😜

With deep sincerity I leave this as an offering because I love men and I still have hope that LOVE & JOY finds us all 🥰

Bears, Men and the Roman Empire

I have been deep in love with three men in my life, adore my Father, am close to my Uncle and since childhood have always had at least one or two best guy pals. 

                                I ❤️ MEN!

And, last week I had a reminder of why they're also hard to navigate and maddening to sometimes communicate with. Let me try and dive in...

There was a social media meme going around last winter about women asking men how often they think of the Roman Empire and shockingly, to women at least, it's a lot. Not every and probably not even most but many think of it a couple times a week, with some thinking of it daily. 

A friend was explaining the concept to her husband and she said it's roughly equivalent to about how often women think about their personal safety. He didn't totally get what she meant, so she went on to explain the average woman thinks about if she's safe all the time. At night, in a dark parking lot, when approached by a random man, when a repair person comes into her home- and then he got it. 

Most men rarely have to think about their safety and if they do it's usually in a situation where maybe even a cop or buff bodybuilder would too. Sketchy neighborhood, angry yahoos with guns, bar fights when they're not as young as the use to be- but not daily or even weekly.

Then a take-off meme appeared a few weeks ago where women were asking their guys about which would they choose to leave their daughter with alone in a forrest: a bear or a man? Then asked: bear or woman? Most men had to pause on man/bear but not on woman/bear. And then it turned to people asking the women directly. Lots of reasons but this sums it up pretty well: 

In bears' defense: there are only 40 people killed by bears each year in the US according to the National Parks Service. More are killed by bee stings. 

Ok, now back to me and the reason for this post... 

I was chatting with a guy I matched with on Hinge and he was cute but the reason I liked him was because he had two dad jokes on his profile that were pretty funny. Sweet and playful I thought and we got right to flirting. And there was a few days of fun banter but then it went off the rails when he suggested if we were going to meet up he'd like a blowjob. I thought we were still joking and then he got mad and claimed I was a tease. 

Now there are plenty of sites to go on if you are looking for easy sex connections but going on a dating site implies (at least to me) you are there to at a minimum casually date. 

I thought maybe I had made him defensive because we had indeed gotten pretty flirty but I write this to share that even if you're a good guy just looking for some fun sex- it's scary out there for women:

• 1 in 3 women have been experienced some form of abuse from an intimate partner.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
• Globally as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.
• Many of us grew up when the #1 sitcom dad in America later turned out to be a serial rapist. 

But I get it if you're not a violent person why would you think of safety as women's top concern? I can see how that would make a non-violent guy defensive like I would be offended if someone assumed something about me and saw my playful banter then assertion of boundaries as a red flag to them. 

Listen my brother-in-law is one of the most decent guys I know- in the family we tease him about being the favorite and inline for sainthood. I mean he literally volunteers at a foodbank to feed the hungry. So I know there are amazing, kind, considerate men everywhere I look! 

The problem for women is it's not always clear which is which  🤔

Even the ones we think are good guys, sometimes aren't the people you're safe in a room with. And I'll just leave this here because he's a dad of two daughters, one of the most beloved comedians, and he is (ironically 🙄 ) brilliant enough to sum it all up together...

Theme 2024

For the last 15 years I've been posting my Theme for the Year on here, and I never worry about coming up with a word or phrase that will capture what I want to focus on but this year had me stumped until it came to me: ME

A few months ago I was in the middle of worrying about two friends at a time that both were going through upset. And I tried to be there for both of them and I think I was a good friend but later during some conversations about each issue they were dealing with - open heart surgery for one's spouse, heartbreak over a relationship for the other- I realized I had been exhausted by situations that turned out fine and there was nothing I could have done about either. 

I'm not a people-pleaser but I am a huge people-helper; not consciously and also not always helpfully. When someone shares a problem with me I take a piece of it and try and "help" them with their burden. This comes from trying to make things OK when my folks were going through their divorce and it helped make me feel I had more control over my life and environment but it's not a healthy practice. 

Add to this both of these dear friends had supported me when I went through a bad break up a few years back. Sure I had helped them when they were in rough times but something felt like I still owed them this almost extreme empathy when they were in pain. I was wrong. 

I've gotten way way better over the years practicing observing and not absorbing people's drama and asking myself if these are my monkeys or not. But when talking to these friends they shared they don't need my help just my ear and compassion.

There are times when we need to step up and repay people's kindnesses but I had kept these friends' buckets full of love and friendship so they didn't need anything from me. 

2023 was also the year I became completely debtfree. I know some have been for years, decades or had never even carried that burden but when I left the relationship I was referring to I left with nothing we shared even the car I was driving. 

I'm stepping into 2024 owing no one anything, so in that vein, even though it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm going to try and focus exclusively on: 

What's best 4 ME?  

Meaning, not worrying about anyone else but myself. I know that's sound selfish which is why I warmed you into it. But frankly, it's none of your business what I'm focusing on so ha 😜   

That's my invitation for you to join if you want. Let's try to not worry about anything but our own fitness, finances, romances (although follow along with Tay and Trav's if that floats your boat) or anything else that will bring us joy, health and happiness. 

I mean I am going to need you to vote to save democracy, but that's not til November!

 

So how about we tend to what needs tending but along the way practice serenity and giving up worrying about anything not in our control or to our benefit. The people in our lives want what's best for us and us being at our best is what's best for us all!

Happy New Year 🥳 and Cheers 🥂 to all there is in store for ME 😁

Creating YOUR Year ... 🎊 🖌️

2023 was DEEP and delightful  ... but I believe 2024 is going to MY YEAR!!

Happy Mapping and Cheers to a JOYFUL 2024!