(Not So) Bad (Not So) Good Guy

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to pull this off without offending someone and expressing myself just right but like I said in my previous post I do think the conversation about the Masculinity Crisis is of great importance so I'm going to give it a go. 

BE FOREWARNED: If you are easily offended skip this one 😬

First let me go back to where it all started... I was a HUGE fan of the Charlie Rose Show (yes, I know 😼). So when he had Louis CK (LCK) on for the hour I watched and was so delighted by their conversation. It was also around the time he did the bit on Conan about Everything's Amazing and I became an instant fan.

Well let me restate that... a huge fan of his interviews on TV because they were clean and calm and he was more himself. His comedy was quite vulgar and crude so I wasn't always a big fan of that. But when his FX show came out and he would talk about how he wrote, directed and edited it as well as starred in it, I knew he wasn't the schlub he was pretending to be on stage. He's a smarty.

And if you listened to his interview with his best friend of many years Marc Maron you also knew he was a soft and sensitive guy as well.

So that's where my crush came from for those wondering. 

Ok, back to the Theo Von interview and LCK's confession of being a sex addict... the thing that bugged me at first was when he said he was and still is confused about all of it. So below is my attempt to try and explain my understanding of why that might be. And I share this not to defend him but to have a real conversation about what things have changed for both men and women. Because if we don't begin to understand each other things are just going to get more divided and that would be bad for ALL of us. 

Here goes...

Theo brought up that what LCK had done wasn't that bad... well... it wasn't if you compared it to others in the industry:

• Cosby: Serial rapist who drugged women for decades and never admitted any wrongdoing. 
• Woody Allen: Even if you don't believe his daughter Dylan, which I do, he seduced his girlfriend's under-21-daughter who he had been at least a parental figure to. 
• Diddy: Hosted hottest party in the Hamptons and was .. well you know- really bad boy stuff!
• Trump: The man was caught on tape saying proudly he grabs women by the p#ssy and more than a few dozen came forward to say he sexually assaulted them. Not to mention he was best friends with a pedophile he had "wonderful secrets" with AND yet got elected TWICE to the highest office in the land/world. 

So by those measures, asking women if he could masturbate in front of them is minor league. 

Plus I'm sure for some this could also be confusing:

• Sarah Silverman: When they were younger her and her sister would often allow him to masturbate in front of them and she said she wasn't bothered by it and thought it was funny.
• Chelsie Handler: Is applauded as a strong woman while skiing down hills and then posting pictures of herself topless.

Up until the last few years I didn't enjoy either of them because I thought they were too much, and too crude for my tastes as well. But as they've aged and as Chelsie has talked about what she's learned in therapy - which is really profound and deep- I have really enjoyed both of them. And let's face it most of the top female comics for much of my life have had to be bawdy and ballsy to compete in the male dominated world. 

Don't even get me started on the Kardashians. You should know I really dislike what they stand for and it's personal to me. They are only famous because the name was associated with getting the killer of my high school friend, Ron Goldman, off for murder. That Kim was touted as having broken the internet for showing her butt on a magazine cover 😏 and how they took feminism back decades in what young girls think is successful by making BILLIONS modifying their bodies and flaunting sex is disheartening. 

All to say, for LCK and others it might be confusing what is truly bad and what can get you fame, money and an election. 

BUT...

Here is why it was really bad and was not OK for him to go back on the road before he cleaned it up and be flippant while standing in front of the SORRY sign joking about it. 

Sure the apology while decent compared to those denying their offenses was still jerky because he mentioned repeatedly that the women who were cornered admired him and that's why he shouldn't have asked them.

Nope not the reason! 

Many of them didn't admire him, they were just there for a job at their place of work and it was creepy to even ask. Also when a few talked about what had happened they were threatened to be blackballed by his agent. Not cool.

Though here's the main reason it was indeed so bad...

When you get assaulted by a stranger or a creepy uncle or a lech like Harvey Weinstein, it is gross and traumatic and will make a person hyper cautious of men/places that give them the ick. But when the man who they think is their pal or a good guy makes them feel unsafe then you have to be on-guard for every man because now you can't trust your own judgement. 

None of those women were new to seeing a penis- that wasn't the trauma- but to be put in a position that you're not sure if you will be raped or killed or maybe the least of it fired. It takes a person to be super strong or play along for her own safety. That shakes a person. 

Reminder, for those unaware: 

• 1 in 3 women have been experienced some form of abuse from an intimate partner.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
• Globally as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.

And the ironic thing is his act is brilliant at explaining EXACTLY this...

So...

Louis, you took their trust in humanity and their judgement away from them. 

That was a very shitty thing to do!! 💩

Now, back to bringing us all together... there is nothing wrong with sex, or skiing naked or letting our friends/dates/pros see us enjoying ourselves. But time, place, permission and reading the room is called for. If in doubt, don't even ask to pull it out!!!

My guess is that LCK is not as confused as he claims, but wisely is again playing a little dense because he's afraid to say our society sends mixed signals when we can be sexual/aggressive and get a pass. As I mentioned in the last post the Masculinity Crisis affects everything. I get why in his asking he thought he was not that horrible and then being hated felt so scary for him. But not for nothing, when he said he didn't feel safe anywhere, that's how many women feel all the time. 

The bear... women chose to be alone with a bear for God's sakes!

So my hope is that this makes people see the other side and the disservice of us living on two sides of the patriarchy. And hopefully we all weed out the true sociopaths and the good guys at heart get another chance to do the work and become DUE Gooders. 

The Hole

Elizabeth "Eat, Pray, Love" Gilbert was on Oprah's book club and was describing her feeling, as a love-addict, as having a deep God-sized hole in her. 

So so descriptive! Even if not a fan, I recommend you watch it because she is very raw and it was a shocking -even by Oprah's standards- interview. It was also the second time in a month I had heard someone describe a profound alone, brokenness in them. 

The other was when I was reading my faux-love, Ivan Lewy Moody's, book of poetry which is almost all about being alone in the world and empty inside 😢

Now I've been sad and depressed at different times of my life but never have I felt like what they were describing. Lucky for me not even close. BUT... I have loved people who have not loved themselves so I know how real and painful and hellacious it can be to live with that. 

And of course I have sympathy for the people that feel that way, I do... and I also find it to be one of the most narcissistic ways to be in the world. [Keep reading I get nicer, this is the tough love part]. To think you are so special that you need to be loved by others and be above the basics of the human condition is ridiculous. And I don't mean that as a kid or young person- that is indeed tragic- but if you're an adult and you've seen how lucky we are to even be alive and you're going to waste this precious life suffering about what you don't have, I BEG you to do yourself and humanity a solid and get therapy (+ meds + a dog 🐶) and heal yourself 🙏

This was also top of mind because I can't stop thinking about what would drive a person to catfish another person, if not for money, and my guess it's the same emptiness about their life. So this was super fresh when... my other parasocial relationship, Louis CK (LCK), pops up in interviews last weekend. 

I had thought I had figured out LCK's deal when he started touring again and even while standing in front of a giant SORRY sign refused to acknowledge just how bad he had f#cked up. It pained me to think he was a cold unremorseful creep and I was still smarting for ever having had crushed on him. Well 🙄  

He was promoting his book on Theo Von's podcast and more than halfway through he brings up how he is a sex-addict and has had the compulsion since he masturbated as a child. And yes, some sociopaths could pull that out as an excuse to rehabilitate their reputation but he takes responsibility in a way I was moved to tears. It was what I had hoped for eight years back. A must watch... (to go to confession part 01:30:00)

I'm writing this post because I feel like it is one of the most important conversations today. If you haven't already heard about it we are living through a huge Masculinity Crisis. Scott Galloway (NYU professor, author, podcaster) describes it as the biggest issue affecting everything from politics to mating. 

When I started to think about how all these stories kept describing a hole, cavern, numbness, emptiness it gave me a flashback to Nathan Sawaya's amazing Lego art piece, Yellow. It is one of my favorite sculptures and I think it's a good way to illustrate how this appears to me.

If we start out feeling empty inside we will naturally search out love. But even if we are lucky enough to find some (and feel the joy that comes along with it) if we have a hole in us we won't absorb it, and it will leak right out. And that will make us just feel even more empty, and then unlovable, which will continue the cycle.

It took me into my late 40's to realize one can't love another unless they truly love themself. And the key is no matter how much love someone has for you or pours into you, wholeness and love is an inside job.

So if you have kids, especially boys, show them how you love yourself and others in a healthy way. Because you deserve that! Therapy, 12-step program SLAA, God, this book, duct tape... whatever it takes heal that hole in you so you feel the love that is available in this world. 

I wrote the above poem to express what it feels like to love someone who's hole won't let them feel it. It's its own kind of torture. But I also know it's possible to heal in life and I hope this image and these words will allow anyone who needs it to fill the hole with wholeness and JOY 

                                                                                 ❤️‍🩹

Bears, Men and the Roman Empire

I have been deep in love with three men in my life, adore my Father, am close to my Uncle and since childhood have always had at least one or two best guy pals. 

                                I ❤️ MEN!

And, last week I had a reminder of why they're also hard to navigate and maddening to sometimes communicate with. Let me try and dive in...

There was a social media meme going around last winter about women asking men how often they think of the Roman Empire and shockingly, to women at least, it's a lot. Not every and probably not even most but many think of it a couple times a week, with some thinking of it daily. 

A friend was explaining the concept to her husband and she said it's roughly equivalent to about how often women think about their personal safety. He didn't totally get what she meant, so she went on to explain the average woman thinks about if she's safe all the time. At night, in a dark parking lot, when approached by a random man, when a repair person comes into her home- and then he got it. 

Most men rarely have to think about their safety and if they do it's usually in a situation where maybe even a cop or buff bodybuilder would too. Sketchy neighborhood, angry yahoos with guns, bar fights when they're not as young as the use to be- but not daily or even weekly.

Then a take-off meme appeared a few weeks ago where women were asking their guys about which would they choose to leave their daughter with alone in a forrest: a bear or a man? Then asked: bear or woman? Most men had to pause on man/bear but not on woman/bear. And then it turned to people asking the women directly. Lots of reasons but this sums it up pretty well: 

In bears' defense: there are only 40 people killed by bears each year in the US according to the National Parks Service. More are killed by bee stings. 

Ok, now back to me and the reason for this post... 

I was chatting with a guy I matched with on Hinge and he was cute but the reason I liked him was because he had two dad jokes on his profile that were pretty funny. Sweet and playful I thought and we got right to flirting. And there was a few days of fun banter but then it went off the rails when he suggested if we were going to meet up he'd like a blowjob. I thought we were still joking and then he got mad and claimed I was a tease. 

Now there are plenty of sites to go on if you are looking for easy sex connections but going on a dating site implies (at least to me) you are there to at a minimum casually date. 

I thought maybe I had made him defensive because we had indeed gotten pretty flirty but I write this to share that even if you're a good guy just looking for some fun sex- it's scary out there for women:

• 1 in 3 women have been experienced some form of abuse from an intimate partner.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
• Globally as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.
• Many of us grew up when the #1 sitcom dad in America later turned out to be a serial rapist. 

But I get it if you're not a violent person why would you think of safety as women's top concern? I can see how that would make a non-violent guy defensive like I would be offended if someone assumed something about me and saw my playful banter then assertion of boundaries as a red flag to them. 

Listen my brother-in-law is one of the most decent guys I know- in the family we tease him about being the favorite and inline for sainthood. I mean he literally volunteers at a foodbank to feed the hungry. So I know there are amazing, kind, considerate men everywhere I look! 

The problem for women is it's not always clear which is which  🤔

Even the ones we think are good guys, sometimes aren't the people you're safe in a room with. And I'll just leave this here because he's a dad of two daughters, one of the most beloved comedians, and he is (ironically 🙄 ) brilliant enough to sum it all up together...

Happy Conscience

For those that don't know I at one time had a little thing for Louis CK. I know, I know but gather yourself and let's move on to the insight this brings me to...

We had been chatting about a Happy Mind and one of the keys to that is a clear conscience free of shame, guilt, regret and bad vibes. If we are haunted by things we've done, even if we have lots of happy in our life, this shadow of darkness will follow us.

There is a reason that 12-step programs include steps of inventorying and making amends to people that we've wronged and most religions have some form of atonement for bad acts we've committed. 

Recently an ex texted to say they were sorry about how things didn't work out with us and they hope I will forgive them someday. And it reminded me of Louis CK's big SORRY sign 😏

Sure it's nice to hear someone is sorry but it only counts in my book if they clean up the mess they made along with the words they speak (or in LCK's case, stand in front of). The onus is not on the person that's been wronged to forgive someone if it's just blah, blah, blah to make them feel less guilty. True forgiveness is earned by correcting the behavior, owning what they did, and restitution to make things at a minimum as repaired as possible. 

You're sorry?

What for? 

Where did you own what you did? 

What have you done to clean up your mess? 

And where is the restitution to make up for the damage you wrought?

We all mess up. We all cause pain even when we're not trying to hurt someone; but when we know we did something truly bad we can't just text/statement it away. 

LCK used humor and the fact that some fans didn't care what he did to salve/ignore his guilt. Not good enough. He owes the women he harassed compensation for what he did to them. There were women who suffered career and other real damage from his actions. The 10ft tall sign was bright and flashy alright and I did actually watch his special to see what he had to say- but there was no sorry in his act or actions. 

Again, the human condition is we all have a level of meanness in us, none of us is so saintly that we don't ever do anything wrong. It's hard, painful and sometimes costly to clean up our messes so we mostly don't go there. What a waste because if we cleared our conscience and did the hard part we would have a happy healthy mind, heart and future. 

How important is cleaning up our conscience? Well, it's the second chapter in my book, only the one about love comes before it. Because a festering ick in our life just gets ickier!

Someone once described a clear conscience as being able to walk into any room with your head held high no matter who you might run into and I think that's a pretty good visual. 

The irony is if we summon the strength to own our messes there is a pop of relief, peace and closure that is worth the effort and humility on the other side. 

So if you're regretting something you've done or your conscience is not clear, don't let your pride, stubbornness or fear stop you from getting things handled. Map out what is there for you and don't get overwhelmed, but just do a little step at a time to clean up your karma.

Otherwise, you'll be the one sorry you didn't 😌

When I'm Right, I'm Right! Except... For When I'm Wrong.

One of my favorite things ever is being right about something. I mean I LOVE being right! I have lots of opinions and let's just say when I take a stand I'm right much of the time. 

Now part of the reason for this is because I like reading about an array of various topics and I've studied a good deal of self-help and had loads of therapy so I've honed my senses and understanding of human behavior. And because I also don't like to be wrong, I usually only spout off about things I feel like I know; otherwise I tend to be inquisitive of why someone is saying something or I look it up. That's the only way to play fair. If you like it when you're right (and don't deny it you like it too! 😉) you have to admit when other people are right and you are wrrrrong. 

So as I've been pacing myself and spending a good deal of sparkle time in the beginning of the year, I was hoping I was right again that Trump would finish his grift for money ($500M+) objecting to the election results and then reluctantly concede, take a bow on getting the vaccine out and would start his next bid for attention on some cable station. But I was WRONG!

Last week's insurrection was a disgusting display of mob behavior but even more upsetting was that every American, including our legislators and his advisors, didn't immediately get Trump to leave office. Nixon's acts were dishonorable but to foment violence against his own VP and elected officials and our very elections as they were being certified is next level bullshit!

(Photo By Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call via AP Images)

Of course not every person who voted for Trump is a nut or should be lumped in with those terrorist that stormed the Capitol, not even all the MAGAs that attended the earlier rally. But anyone who is not currently speaking up against Trump's big lie is now responsible for anything else that comes in the days ahead.  

Listen, I know it is heartbreaking to have a person you looked up to come out from behind the curtain and not be who he sold the public he was. Myself, I was wrong about Charlie Rose- who I admired and watched for decades. I talked about him all the time and would have vowed he was a decent man. Another one that hurt was that I was wrong regarding my adoration for Louis CK... sure this one was a bit more obvious- my bad! But nonetheless when it was clear I was wrong I said it. Not just to my friends but here where I touted my love in the first place. I tried to clean up my mess, mitigate my wrongness.  

The only way to halt this nationwide divide and destruction and protect our country in the next few days, weeks and years is to speak the truth and undo whatever damage we've done.

If you quietly, privately voted Trump I guess just do better next time researching your choice (his lies and damage were clearly visible) but for the rest--- anyone who publicly spouted off about Trump needs to with same volume, vigor and verve speak out on how: he is lying about the election being stolen; that he was wrong to rile up a crowd then send them after Congress/VP; and that he was derelict in duty to not get National Guard in to help them immediately. Then state he is now unfit for office. 

The ratio of regret needs to be equal to the denial and harm caused by those who stood by party over country; was OK with tax-cuts and judges while ignoring kids in cages and the lies and dishonor he brought to the office; and thought owning your annoying lib relatives and ex-friends was worth siding with racists, a pussy-grabber and the incompetents Trump surrounded himself with who would not speak truth to nor for him.   

When The Daily Show can summarize the buildup of this looming destruction in a few minutes it's hard to say no-one saw this coming 😒 

Our fellow-citizens, the world and for goodness sake our children are watching this. Own what we've contributed to this mess and let's get America back to where we are arguing about the proper corporate tax rate and school funding not about tearing down our democracy. We are better than this! 

I am right about the United States of America 🇺🇸 

... for our Founder's, let alone our sake, don't prove me wrong 🤨

Gaslighter, Denier... Where's My Apology?

 

I'm not sure I had heard of the term gaslighting prior to the last four years- and if I did I probably only knew what was inferred by the context of the rest of the point of the conversation. 

For those unfamiliar, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a "gaslighter" tries to lie and manipulate someone into questioning their thoughts, memories, and the reality of the events occurring around them. It came from an old 30's play and 40's movie where a husband tried to drive his wife crazy- or at least have others believe she was- by messing with the gas lights (and other items) in their home. In 2016, the term made the rounds after Lauren Duca's Vogue article about Trump and then hit its prime as runner up to word of the year in 2018.

Our president is trying to double-down before he leaves office by pretending he won an election he lost so he won't have to leave on 01.20.21. Amanda and Byrnn's tweets sum up what I feel on the topic but it got me thinking about all the other gaslighting I had experienced in life before I knew what it really meant even though many of us had felt it quite a bit in our lives. Bosses, exes, anyone who manipulated others for their own means.

And while I applaud the idea of bringing our country together and am a huge proponent of forgiveness and reconciliation these women point out two of the key elements before true healing can begin- truth & justice!

If someone has been an abuser they would like to skip this step and pretend that any battle was equal on both sides and so let's just call it even and move on. Nope! 

First comes cleaning up the mess they made and making amends before there is the possibility of forgiveness and steps forward. AA is based on this principle which requires making amends (steps 8 & 9) for prior harms caused along the path of recovery. Almost all religions also speak of some form of contrition and repentance when there has been wrongdoing done. 

If we want to move forward as a country let alone live a peaceful life ourselves I don't think it's healthy, let alone just, to let folks that have caused harm with blatant lying, racism, violence against others, or any dishonorable behavior get a free pass. Not only does it send a horrible message that our actions don't have consequences but it also makes healing for the people who experienced the harm more difficult. 

Imagine how hard it's going to be to get 74M Trump voters to see the truth when they have been told by him, the GOP and Fox News that he didn't really lose the election. Good luck trying to reason with the MAGAs they've radicalized! Those lying and attempting to gaslight our country should never be able to hold a place of leadership and trust until they have at a minimum come forward and spoken the truth.   

And even when there is truth finally admitted there needs to be the additional steps of amends and restitution to those harmed. Louis CK is a perfect example of a half-assed attempt to clean up his mess. Yes, his apology was a solid start but then he chickened out on cleaning up and doing the real work to redeem himself. So disappointing as a former fan.   

Recently I had an ex call to check in on how I was during the pandemic like our parting wasn't less than amicable. I was willing to hear them out because after previously ignoring three other attempts I thought who knows it's been a long enough time, maybe they had changed, maybe in this time of reflection they had done some work and were calling with remorse and an apology and we could be at peace. Alas they just wanted to pretend everything was bygones being bygones. Once a gaslighter, I guess always one- so not to mix my Chicks metaphors but I'm not ready to make nice 😏

I say to my ex or anyone who has enabled Trump or anyone who has harmed someone else and have let things fester and get even uglier: 

Where's the apology? Where's the truth? Where's the justice?

If there's no real truth and justice, then look out... 

we see your lie-lie-lies and we're done with you and your gaslighting 🔥  

The SPLASH

[Warning: There will be lots of shitty language and upsetting thoughts below--- 
if you're having a shitty or delicate day maybe skip this post.]


Shittiness doesn't just have the power to ruin someone's day, or year, or their career but can ruin their entire life or our whole world. 

See, when we are shitty it doesn't neatly stay confined to just us and the person we are shitty to........ it splashes and goes everywhere ........ I mean EVERYWHERE!

Because Stephen Miller is a shitty person a young boy separated from his mother at the border doesn't even recognize her anymore. Because the killer was a shitty husband my high school friend Ron Goldman is dead and his sister, Kim, has spent years of her life anguished by his loss. Because Donald Trump is a shitty president world leaders have had to adjust their economies, foreign policies, and military plans because they no longer have one of their staunchest allies as a reliable partner.

SHIT SPLASH hits the person you're directly shitty to and then ripples and gets on anyone who is in their life... and so on... and so on ... and so on... 

Imagine knowing Harvey Weinstein raped your friend and having to see him win award after award. Well you don't have to, there are women who can tell us how that not only affected their friend but how just knowing there was a serial-rapist in their midst changed what movies they went for, who they might be able to trust, and how they felt about the industry they had dreamed of working in. Clearly it must have been horrible for Louis CK's daughters to hear/read about the creepy things he had done but how shitty must it have been for his tv-daughters to know their director and co-star has now tainted what they spent a good portion of their young lives working on.

How sick must it have been for anyone who knew the true Cosby to see him being touted as America's Dad. He didn't just rape and ruin the lives of his victims he splashed that shit on anyone they loved or dealing with the fallout from their pain. 

The butterfly effect states: a very small change in initial conditions can create a significantly different outcome. That is a delicate way of saying your shit splash can ruin things you aren't even aware of for people who are merely in your vicinity. 
Splash, splash, splash!

We are all shitty at some time in our lives- heck in many of our day-to-day actions- but we can make life and our world better if we: limit how shitty we are to ourselves and others and by leaving less of a crappy-mess behind in our wake.

What can you do if you've been The Splasher?

• Map It Out: Take an inventory of your life, including your shit.
• Own your ME-anness: Take responsibility for your energy (& shit).
• End It: Stop being so shitty and clean up the mess.
• Do Good: Repair the shit you've broken.
• Create Art: Make helpful shit. 🎨💩👍

What if you've been a victim of shittiness? 
Do as Oprah did... take all the shit that has happened to you and turn it into fertilizer and  🌱 🌿 🌳 GROW!

For the Love of Louie ... 💔

Nazis, threats of nuclear war, hurricanes, flag/kneeling kerfuffles, mass shootings... it has been a brutal summer. And as I was going through my own personal drama of a break up (a story for another day or another book 🤔 ) this week made me confront my other sad sad break up.... with Louis C.K.

Harvey Weinstein has been a trigger for women who have been sexually harassed and as a society the thing that is so cringy is that we know it's true and we know it's a daily occurrence and we know we are part of the problem for tolerating it.

For me, the times I've ever had to face any harassment I've done a good job sticking up for myself and I'm fortunate it's just been an annoyance not a trauma. But what I do need to clean up is I have ignored that my crush Louis CK is a pervert and an assaulter. There I've said it.

My love for LCK was unlikely in the first place- he's not my type, way too vulgar for my taste, and usually depressives make my run the other way. But he was so funny and talented I fooled myself into thinking his charming vulnerability in interviews was who he is. I mean Jon Stewart, and Jerry Seinfeld, and Chris Rock said what a great guy he was... I believed them.

I was a big fan who wrote about him and even a story for him and shared his work with all my friends. I was a Louie-Lover and overlooked murmurs because he had great friends, supported my political views, and loved his daughters.

His time in the hot seat is coming and it's agita-inducing to anticipate the unfolding. I feel for him because no person is all good or all evil and I think he's a guy who did shitty things and if you listen to his bit about being a prisoner of sexual perversion he clearly knows his demons are winning.

There are likely a few days or weeks or even months before his story breaks big so there is still a small window for him to realize he created this. If you're an asshole or an abuser it's your job to clean up your mess. If you force others to out you and only act contrite when you're finally caught it is not only an act of cowardice but shows you aren't truly sorry for the behavior just that you got caught and are forced to own up.

Coming forward will probably not happen but I wanted to put it out in the universe just incase there's a chance because the women shouldn't have to do the work for him. This is his mess. This is his shame. This is his friends' opportunity to support him in doing what's right.

Heart brokenly hoping for a morsel of a decent guy to claim his mistakes and make the world less nasty. And wishing strength to the women who had to drag around the ickiness simply because they were trying to make the world laugh and ran into a broken guy.
________________________________________________

11.09.17 Update: NYT article with accusations of 5 women 💔😢

Get NASTY!

As if I didn't already love Louis C.K. ... he perfectly summarizes why this election is so ridiculous.

You don't need to be a Democrat, or an Independent like myself, to see that Trump is a sucker's bet.

Bottom line: Hillary might be unlikable, but maybe that's because she's had to fight for everything she's achieved and that leaves some sour tastes behind. She might be corrupt-ish, but I'd gladly take someone who's using their deviousness to get children healthcare. She might have used an illegal email system, but she used it while trying to make the world a safer place and stand up for the rights of women around the world. She might have even buried a few bodies along the way (doubtful), but The Clinton Foundation has also helped millions get AIDS drugs (not to mention other good works).

We are now living in a time where inspiration isn't enough... we need a bad-ass-get-shit-done-who-cares-if-it's-pretty NASTY Woman in the White House.

We don't need to like her. We just need to help her get in, then get out of the way and let her work her ass off for our country.  

Sadness, Silence & C.K.

Weird that I'm finally digging into Susan Cain's book Quiet the same week Louis CK goes viral talking about how so many of us can't be alone and quiet. The thing I love most about him is how he takes a profound point and wraps it in funny.

The riff is more then just social commentary it is also a big red flag pointing us to a huge issue that affects everything from our health- both mental and physical- to the breakdown of our families. Rushing around, constant stimulation, screens vs faces is the new smoking. Distracted living and not being able to be quiet and process our lives is not only bad for us but is horrendous for our kids. I remember when I was growing up playing too much Pong was considered bad now look how kids need hyper color, motion, noise coming at them all the time. Seriously, when was the last time you actually saw a teen or even a 30 year old having a real undistracted conversation; no, everyone is looking down at or into a screen, even when they are sitting next to someone they love.

Quiet talks a lot about relentless outside stimulus being too much for most introverts but I think all of us are overstimulated and are numb to the effects it is having. And if we're not getting quiet we're definitely not letting ourselves feel what our minds and bodies are processing either. People would be surprised how quiet my life is most of the time. I am very outgoing and extroverted in social settings because I enjoy the interaction but most of my days are quiet. I love silence and never have a radio or tv on when I'm reading, writing, or working on a project. Actually too much motion, noise, or stimulus gives me a headache and makes me a bit nauseous.

What about you? When was the last time you thought about how your environment and habits are affecting you?

Engagement in life now vs even 20 years ago is remarkably different and I don't think for the better. We busy and distract ourselves to the point of numbing our minds and bodies to everyday thinking and feeling. Sadness is not a bad thing if we can sit with it, process, and then utilize what our feelings enlighten us to. But if we are constantly distracting ourselves how will we ever get to feel and be in touch with ourselves and our joy let alone really be there for and with others?

I don't want to move to Walden Pond or poo-poo technology and all that it brings into our lives but I think we need to text less, call more or even better yet see each other in person with no phones in sight. Turn down the noise and tune into our emotions and build some quiet time into our days. Everyone will have a different ratio of silence that works for them but I think we could all benefit from taking the prescription from a comedian and get more silence, sadness and Springsteen into our lives*.

Side notes: Met Susan Cain at an event I attended last January at 37singals (which is a beautiful space btw). She is lovely- if you ever get a chance to hear her speak you should go. 

*My favorite sad Springsteen songs: Streets of Philadelphia & Into The Fire

Men Need Friends: Who's Your Sundance?

Twice this week I cried over deep friendships... not mine, but those of some men I don't even know. It started when I was watching Paul Newman and Robert Redford's episode of Iconoclasts. Hearing them talk about their deep bond and how because they could lean on each other they could get beyond Hollywood egos and life's other issues and create a gift (Newman's Own, Sundance) to share with the world.  

Then I got choked up listening to an interview (last 5 minutes of part 2) between Marc Maron and Louis CK talking about how they used to be best friends until jealousy tore them apart. Here are just a few snippets from Louie trying to explain how he felt:

When you know someone for a long time it’s a valuable thing… we were best friends for a long time… there are times when it’s hard to be your friend’s friend…

... it takes a good friend to stay with you in hard times, it takes a good friend to stay with you in good times… everyone needs support, everybody does… You’re being a shitty friend by being jealous. 

I could have used you, I got divorced, I got a show canceled, I had some tough times I could of used a friend. Those times that were making you jealous, I was struggling, I was having a hard time.

Here is something I don't think most men talk about: their need to have a close male friend. And I'm not talking a beer or golf buddy, I'm talking someone who you can talk to about anything. I was not familiar with Marc Maron and have only recently started to really love Louis CK, yet I was still unbelievably moved by how they both needed each other but were too stubborn/ jealous/ insecure to really reach out. (Warning: Louie is not everyone's bag of tea. My sister could not even listen to a full minute of him because of his language- salty. But his everything's amazing and nobody's happy bit on Conan is safe for all.) The thing I've noticed with my male friends is that they have a hard time with deep communications in general and especially if they are feeling lost or struggling.

Recently one of my oldest pals called me to apologize for how crappy of a friend he had been. He was going through something and realized he had no one to talk to about it. When he went to call me he said it hit him how he had spent the last decade focused solely on his work and totally not thinking of other people outside his immediate family. I have no real friends- who would even say anything at my funeral?

A little dramatic, but probably kind of true. This is especially true once guys get out of their 20's and start to have families and focus heavily on their careers. Unlike most women, men can often rely exclusively on their spouse for the only intimate relationship in their lives. But if there is something off in that relationship or if they feel like they aren't succeeding there, they can feel alone in the world. One of my close girlfriends is going through a divorce and her ex is being a total ass. Still I found myself trying to explain his actions because I knew he was doing stupid stuff because he had no one else to lash out at and no one to talk things through with.

Louie also mentioned something that I think men don't talk about either; he said he was in therapy and he wasn't getting where he wanted it to go, so he point-blank asked the guy: what is my problem? The therapist said his over-eating and masterbation all stemmed from anxiety and those habits were what he used to cope with it. How many men drink/drug, gamble, abuse porn, sleep around, leave their families, all because they don't know how to handle their anxieties? A lot!

I have known men who have cheated on their wives/girlfriends and the reason: to connect with someone. Sure there is the bonus of sex, but mostly that too is tied to a release from feeling stressed, confused, unimportant, like a failure, etc. Executives, celebrities, athletes, average Joes, all need to have someone who can listen and relate to them. Like Louie said:  I had some tough times, I could of used a friend. 

So Guys don't wait till you are in a bad way, reach out and make a friend, be a friend, repair a friendship... because everyone needs support, everybody does.