Happy Dating [Part 2]: SEX

🚨Warning: Do not read this post if you don't want to know about my sexlife 😜

I'm great in bed!

Not bragging but I just know my strengths: bad at dating, great at sex 😉

This is a continuation from the last post because with dating comes sex and I think we should talk about it. I believe there are two keys to being great in bed:

SAFETY

I do not do casual sex. Like Sally, I am all mushy and oxytocin'd* up after a good session and so I don't do that unless I feel comfortable and connected with someone. Here are the top things I do to feel safe when dating/sexing:

Keep My Number Private

If you're on the apps the goal is to get off the apps... but DO NOT give anyone your number until after the first date and you know you want to go on a second. Just say: 

I don't give out my number until after our first date for my own safety and privacy.

There are a couple reasons for this: the main one is to avoid scammers that want your data/info but the other is that they'll Google you and know all about you before they even meet you. I had a guy tell me that he had looked me up and I was what he was looking for because he had seen a lot about me online. He did give me his info after he told me that and he was not a creepy stalker, but I want them to meet me first before they think they know me. If they push you, it's a 🚩

Meet in the Middle

For the first few dates I always ask to meet in the middle of where we both live. Main reason is I don't want them knowing where I live nor even put on the table that they might be coming back home with me. Also, I want to keep my favorite local places to myself until I know I wouldn't mind seeing them there if things didn't work out.

How They Breakup

Before you start things with anyone it's good to know how things might end. One for your safety but also for your mental health. Did they have a mutual parting with the last few people they dated; did someone end up crushed; are all their exes crazy? How they've done it in the past is how things will likely end with you. Are they mature, communicative, kind, sane or are they a manipulative asshole? You're going to get naked with them, it's OK to ask, and if they're a jerk about it don't give them that honor! 

Condoms

You must use condoms. Don't care if they say they do not have STIs or were recently tested. People lie. Lie about what they have and who they are doing. I've had friends who have caught everything from herpes to HIV to ended up pregnant- so use protection. And this is also a good way to tell if they respect their body and yours too. No condom, no sex.

V-Vibe

Is there even the hint of violence in how they treat you, how they talk to you if they don't get their way, how they refer to their exes or anyone else in their life? 

If so, RUN!! Your safety is the most important thing ever. You can't take a chance on this and you can't change anyone, so RUN! They are not your person: Period.

Worse Case

You're going to want to feel safe and good about sleeping with someone, but what if things don't go well? Will you regret being with them? Don't sleep with anyone you'll be devastated to have walk away after because unfortunately some will.

SEX

Start with You

The key to good sex with someone else is to start with good sex with yourself. I have great sex with my partner because I know what turns me on and how to get myself off. I love it when I'm being sexual with someone because I'm there to not only participate in their pleasure but help them help me get to where we both want to be... if you know what I mean, and I know that you do 😁  

Nooky List

We're not kids anymore and so as middle-aged people it's a bit ridiculous to be paradise-by-the-dashboard-light-ing it with sex. I don't need to get them to promise to love me in the mooorrrrning and make me their wife... I simply don't want to jump right into bed before I know and really like them. Yet, I also get it's confusing to know what is respectful when things start getting hot and heavy. And I for sure do not enjoy Wonder Woman-ing it and having to bing-bing-bing ward off advances. So my solution, and hold the judgement until you try it, is to map it out. Now come on, I mean you really should have seen this one coming- ha! Once sex comes up, I think it's a good idea to sketch out on a napkin or in iNotes what will work for you.

A NOOKy List is used to spell out what you find the No's and the Ok's of fooling around. Get it... Nooky!! 😂

As far as how long to wait and what'll work for you, I have no idea. I've tried to use Matchmaker Maria's 12-date Rule. Her philosophy is that you're all hormone'd up and not thinking rationally the first several dates so if you want a real connection with someone you should wait until you know if you're truly a match and 12-dates is a good number to get beyond chemistry and into compatibility.

 

And there is no saying you can't, if you feel safe and connected, change your mind and go for it sooner. Just keep in mind how they make you feel. I once had a guy say he respected my boundaries, even if he tries to test them. Uhm, you don't test someone's boundaries if they told you directly what they are, that's the very definition of not respecting them. Clearly, should have been my 🚩

EnJOY

Once you decide you're ready: go for it and have fun! Sex is a natural, thrilling, wonderful way to connect with another human being. It's a special gift but not one to be hidden away or shamed about or put up on a shelf because we're no longer 20-yr-old hotties. Once you find someone you feel safe with get your sexy on and have a Happy Happy time! 

Life is short~ date, sex & if you don't find your love, keep doing it until you do ❤️

*The love/bonding hormone that leads to feeling all loved up.

Happy Dating

I should start by stating upfront that I am not a great dater- no really! I'm only jumping into share this topic because we're in love month and I have learned a lot about what not to do when you're single. So take this all with a caution that I really have no idea what I'm talking about ⚠️

Ok, that said... let me share my 2022 dating philosophy: 

It's a numbers game, try on your non-types and make sure to have some fun!

I've spent a good deal of my adult life in longterm relationships so when I found myself single four years ago the first thing I did was heal myself from what was not a great end to a heartbreaking loveaffair. Therapy. Reading. Then when I was ready I got cajoled into online dating which I had always sworn was so not me. Well, especially now, if you want to date and expect to get your best options you need be open to sample what's available online. And since this was new territory I sought some expertise and started following some pros-- my favs are:

Matchmaker Maria (of the"12-date rule" fame)

The Love Drive (a man's perspective)

Bela Gandhi (the psychotic-optimist)  

I also pulled off the shelf my pal Amy's fantastic book: Meeting Your Half-Orange. This little nugget alone changed my dating mindset:

Basically, we need to think of dating as a Match Game- if you don't flip over your love-monkey 🐵💛 nothing's wrong... you're just not looking for an elephant. 

When I began to think of it that way I realized it's not a bad thing to meet and release those that are not a match, it's just one person closer to the one that will be. 

For years I had told my single friends that were dating that you need to meet at least 20 people before you'll find one you'll really like. Ha! Easy to advise, hard to do when it was my turn. It's exhausting to connect with lots of people that aren't your person. And in these pandemic-y politically charged times it's also a little scary as well. So here are my best tips thus far:

• Join Bumble to start. Lifetime membership is $230 and worth the cost because I've found it's the highest quality easiest to manage site. The filters alone are worth it.
• Crushes: Author Gretchen Rubin shared a friend's philosophy that it is always better to have more than one crush at a time so you're not needy and don't get overly-invested too soon. I think 3 crushes is ideal 😉
• Screeners: Trust me I hate that this is necessary but I do ask people three questions before I agree to date them: 
• Are you vax'd? 
• Did you vote for Trump?
• Do you believe in the literal word of the Bible?

Yes, I'm open to meeting people of differing opinions but I've found these are values-dealbreakers for me and I had to implement them after several run-ins with anti-vax-Trumpers who feel if only I believed in a talking snake we would be perfect together 😳Again, this is why paying extra for filtering is SO worth it!

• Pre-Meet: I am a big fan of a call or video chat before you agree to meet up for a face-to-face date. Saves you the time, energy and disappointment of an awkward encounter. I've found if they don't want to speak before you meet there is probably a good reason (if you know what I mean).
• 
  Good Karma: Dating's hard for everyone. So the least we owe each other is to be kind. For me when I know someone is not my match I try and send them off with some compliments and if possible the reason I am wishing them well and unmatching. 
• It doesn't always go this nicely but that's my goal. Had to move on from cute-Ken because though he wasn't anti-vax he hadn't gotten his by late summer and that was not going to work for me. Even though he had his solid rationale (and a minor in microbiology), I couldn't get over his reasoning so I sent him the kindest note I could explaining why. I think it's the least we can do for each other. 
• The other thing I've discovered is people pop back up on other sites or in real life (like at a friend's birthday party 😬) so don't ghost or be jerky unless they really deserve it. 
• Try Them On: My sister thinks I have a type- she's not wrong mind you- but I have gone off type before. Actually way way off type, but that didn't work out so great so I was back to looking for what I thought I wanted when I got a like from a guy who I had already passed on. But when he showed back up again I gave him a chance and sent him a rather playfully sarcastic note about how I didn't think we were a match but was I missing something?

He sent back a funny confident reply that had me amused and intrigued... and yada yada yada... a few days later gave me one of the best kisses I've ever had! So, though he didn't match my image of what I wanted he was definitely worth the try-on.

• Modify the List: My friend Diane tells of how she got serious about what she was looking for and made a map of the qualities she wanted and then her Dave appeared. Which is a great story and start. But I've learned now that I'm older different things are more important than even a few years ago: kindness, calm, self-awareness. I'd rather have a person who loves what he does then shows off what he has; cares about listening to me and creating together how we want things to go; that gets why his previous relationship wasn't his last and can own his part in it. That's sexy as hell to me now!! 

Today I care less about his looks and more about how it feels when our legs touch while deep in conversation; he can be shorter if he's got a huge heart; and if he's working out some large challenges but has great communication skills, watch out I'm a goner 😍

Ok, so a few other small random tidbits:

• Guys say they like humor and are "fluent in sarcasm" but don't test this notion until you meet them and make sure they're at least as funny as you are. Learned this the hard way (sorry, CL 😕).
• Text only in the first 48hours then meet or at least talk before more texting. It's really easy to be misinterepted and have things go off the rails or acquire a texting-buddy which is not good for moving things along.
• Dating is suppose to be fun... so get a few cute outfits, have some light stories you can share if you get nervous, and remember if it doesn't feel fun you never have to see them again... and if does, YAY you might get to see them again!
• We never know what someone is looking for so just be you and if you're not their person that's great you now have another card turned over and one less non-monkey to worry about.
• If you're joining an online site make sure you have a friend take some new flattering pics of you. Don't cut your ex out of old pics or use ones that don't look recent. If we're friends, I'll even do them for you. You deserve to go in with the best snapshot of what you have to offer -- of course, no false-advertising but certainly don't sell yourself short either!

When I mapped out 2022 and got to the [Love] category I created that I would connect with 50 possibilities this year. Match and release, meet and make out, or maybe fall madly in love? 

Who knows... but I wanted to up my game and take more chances and lean into a Happy Happy lovelife. 

I am better this year at dating than I've ever been. I'm finally having a good time with it. And I don't know how things will be by yearend but I know happiness and Joy can be fun with a sprinkle of lust and love mixed in. So I hope you have love in your life in all forms... and if you're single come try out some Happy Dating with me-- why not? 

Love is a lovely way to Happy 😊

How to Happy

 

When I posted my theme for the year [Happy Happy!] three weeks back I had an old friend post this:

Listen, the name of this space is Finding JOY because that is what I work on and practice. It doesn't mean I've got it figured out, it means here is where I explore finding more joy in my life.

But hey, if someone asks for directions and I have even the faintest idea where to head I try and point the way. So after a few weeks of pondering here are my 3 main keys on how to happy... 

First you should know as a youngster I was a pretty happy kid. Sure there was the heartbreak of getting my first bike and not being able to find a license-plate with my name on it like all the other kids had. But even that upset was a reflection of my greatest gift: my name. 

My mother named me Joy, so it was like a built-in quest. I couldn't be a moody mean girl if I had such a friendly upbeat name. I won't ever know for sure but I think I had no other choice but to try and be at least a little bit happy. 

Now let's be clear, when I turned 8 things did actually become less than ideal when my parents divorced while I was just becoming a preteen. My life was not super-duper for many years, but I still tried to look for the good stuff and things were mostly hunky-dory. Did I love being one of the tallest girls in class? Nope. Did I enjoy having to live in two places? Not quite. Did I relish being the mother-hen to my siblings and having to grow up prematurely fast- no, no I did not! But this takes me to my first nugget on happiness... 

🤔   When I was around 16 I was over at my friend Linda's house when we were complaining about something (I'm gonna guess boy-related) and looking up from eating his lunch her father, a man who had come to the US from Germany after having lived through WWII as a child, slammed his hand down on the table and exclaimed: 

You silly girls, even on your worst day millions would gladly trade places with you. 

Talk about a life lesson from the source of real knowing. He had seen some horrible things when he was our age and it must have been beyond annoying to hear us be so ridiculous. 

So the first place to look for happy is in: Perspective. 

 

🙏   That lesson hit me hard and has stayed with me for over 30 years, but it doesn't mean I don't forget it all the time. So its companion lesson is: Gratitude. Because not only would millions want to be us but they would be truly grateful to have even a small portion of what we've been lucky enough to possess.

 
And I'm not talking the latest iPhone, I'm talking a toilet. A decade ago I came across a posting for World Toilet Day (Nov. 19th) to raise awareness that even in these modern times 4.2 billion people do not have access to clean drinking water and safe sanitation. Think about that! 

Anytime I'm being bratty or grumpy I remind myself how lucky I am. My friends sometimes get annoyed because I'll often say there is nothing to be upset about if we have running water and a toilet. Mostly I'm joking, but not really. 

When Mr. Klemm said millions would trade places with us, it's actually probably BILLIONS! 💩

💀   Ok, by now you might be thinking: alright Joy enough with the goodie-goodie aren't we lucky to be living in today's times and have basic creature comforts. I've got some stuff to be really unhappy about!

Well to that I would say: Yay you!! Because if you've got real problems then you've got a real life and are alive to figure those things out. 

See because the other big life lesson I learned is Memento Mori: Remember that you die!

This Latin phrase has been used by religions and philosophers over the ages to remind us that life is impermanent and we need to therefore cherish the time we have alive. So if you are having a hard time or suffering in any way I know it's difficult but try and remember that we are all lucky to be alive even through the sucky times in life. The alternative is to not be unhappy at all, ever 😬

Again, I don't have it all figured out but when I contemplated what to share with Sheryl this is what came to mind. Several specifics on other life topics popped up as well, so for the next few months I'm going to write a bit about other ways I try and be happy. If you have any topics you'd like me to opine on please send me a comment/note and I'll see if I can include them.

I have hope that 2022 is going to be wonderful and I have perspective, gratitude and death to point me in this direction. Come follow along with Sheryl and me as we explore it even further. Cheers to teenage angst, toilets, time here together and finding the JOY and the Happy  🤗

THEME 2022

2021 was like learning to drive a stick-shift car: sputters and starts, lurch forward and stops, grinding gears, dies in the middle of road... then some smooth parts, even a nice ride once you get going. But hey watch out because if you weren't paying attention it could get you killed or at least stranded somewhere you didn't want to be   🚧    🚗 💨

Let's face it as bad as 2020 was, 2021 was actually even more of a cluster! 

When I was doing my year end summary and Creating 2022, all I could think about is how weird the last two years have been. I mean as you'll recall I had high hopes for the new decade and thought 2020 was going to be amazing. It was alright, in that I was amazed at how crazy things got in our world. 

Then 2021 comes and I'm sure it'll be so much better, how can it not?!

Well let's see, an insurrection, an impeachment, our top olympic athlete has the spins, abortion is once again (read: still) dividing the nation, tornadoes, fires, vaccine deniers, anti-maskers... and did I mention while the world was spinning I was in search of a new home, job and love?

I was originally going to use the rollercoaster metaphor but I hate every single moment of ever being on one so it does not apply. Because thank goodness 2021 wasn't all bad. The inauguration was uplifting (how awesome was Amanda Gorman?), we're back in the Paris Agreement, vaccines are here, Simone Biles left us even more inspired and we can at least have a semi-nornal life again. Sure some of it was super surreal, like how I found myself cheering on Liz Cheney who of all people is fighting to save democracy. 

But I digress...

Point being this decade has not begun like I was hoping, so what's an optimist to do? 

Get happy!

2022 is going to be the year of Happy Happy! 

For no other reason than that is why we are here- to find joy in our lives. Even when things were horrible (and they were) there was happy sprinkled in-between: I became a great-aunt when a fav nephew had his daughter this summer; I moved into a beautiful home with lovely neighbors; I landed a job that's a fit; and while I did enjoy some of the research 😉 alas I haven't found my person yet-- but my dear friend Katie got engaged to hers. 

💍 Katie and Matt  

Happy is possible even in chaos, it just takes us making the decision to find it. Yes eyes open and feet in reality but come on there is beauty and humor and love and happiness everywhere! I hope you join me in looking for the happy and being happy along the journey to find yours. Because geez we lived through a fucking pandemic and even if there are bad times ahead (and of course there will be some) if we waste the happy happy of it all we miss Finding JOY!

(Past Themes)

Creating YOUR Year ... 🎊 🖌️

Me Mapping Creating Your Year 2022 from Joy Meredith

2021 😳 ... amiright?!!

I have much much higher hopes for 2022, but as always I need to map it out to really see and live into it. So join me 😊

Happy Mapping and Cheers to a Happy Happy 22! 

Transplanted: Watch Out For Your Raw Roots

 
Three months have passed and I can now look back with relief but I had a very bad time moving over the 4th of July weekend. I won't bore you with all the details but let's just say it was messy and stressful and cost twice as much and took three days longer than anticipated. 

And when I woke up on July 5th I had a bit of a panic attack wondering how I ended up in a 100-year old farm house living next door to chickens and down the road from horses. 😳

Don't get me wrong, my new place is beautiful and homey and filled with light and charm and I have flower baskets hanging from my front porch and a flag waving in the wind. I now live in a little slice of Americana so idyllic it'll give you a toothache.

So when I was freaking out to my best pal Vickie about how uncharacteristically out of sorts I was she calmly explained to me I was like the plants sitting in my picture window nook. Plants don't like to be moved because they get use to the conditions they are grown in. And they especially don't like to be transplanted. Their roots are raw and they don't always take to their new pot, soil or conditions.

She said, your roots are just tender from all the upheaval and you need to get use to your new environment and you'll be good. I've moved more than a handful of times but I have never had a moving transition as unsettling before so I was upset that I was even upset. But then she used some of my own words back at me (which you know is extra-annoying 🙄) and said: so you're not enjoying big unexpected changes during a global pandemic... it clearly must be you!

Ha, ok yes, I guess when you say it like that.  

This is just a little refresher to remind you (and later me, when I re-read) that we are in beyond weird times and since it's been over a year we seem to think any change is no big deal and should be almost normal by now. But trust me, I feel ya.

So if you too are feeling out of sorts and like your mind, body and soul are raw from whatever you're being uprooted from (relationship, job, home, whatever) it's ok. Just try your best to relax, unpack what you can at your own pace and focus on the good things: for me, it's my awesome tub-- but for you it might be more time to yourself after a breakup; getting away from a narcissistic boss after a job loss; or deep appreciation for your health after this scary time.

Because, heck, we're not even yet out of the pandemic, or a year away from a jarring insurrection, or back to a steady normal. So hang in there. Find joy where you can. And when you need any help along the way reach out to a good friend to remind you it'll all be ok when you get rooted in your new reality. If we're lucky - and if you're reading this, you are- we might even grow a little out of all this 💩

Be well 🤗💚🌻

Emotional Euphoria: Side-effects May Vary

 

I'm high! 🩹

I hadn't realized how much of a release it would be to get a vaccine. My emotions are all over the place and I'm writing this to warn you: you too might want to be prepared.

First, when my folks were vaccinated I could feel myself finally exhale: phew! I have so many friends who have lost both of their parents and so to have lost my Mom years ago but still have my Dad and my Bobbie around is such a gift. They've been in Florida this whole time and to have missed so many occasions and not know for sure when it would be safe to be all together was really tough.

Then there have been the other sadnesses that we've just beared. Friends have lost loved ones and I couldn't be with them to mourn in person. Killed me!

Missed a favorite nephew's wedding, lost a job, haven't had a professional haircut, yada, yada- you know! The amazing thing about my missings is that we've ALL had them. No one sailed through this without feeling slightly battered and bruised. At least we all collectively know how beyond bizarre things have been. 

When I received the shot I got in my car to head back home but instead went for a long drive with the windows cracked belting out my new favorite tune 🚗  💨 🎶🎶🎶

This song from Begin Again has been reverberating in my head for days. And I sang it over and over at the top of lungs and am only now getting the irony.

Tell Me If You Wanna Go Home from BEGIN AGAIN... get it?!!

I had re-watched it recently after telling a new 🐝 crush about the music and a particular scene I loved. Mark and Keira's characters walk around the city with a splitter and their own headphones plugged in sharing their playlists 🎶🎧📱🎧🎶 which is a super adorable way to see and hear what lights someone up. 

And that's what we're all about to do again. See everything with new eyes. Get back the freedom to be with others and to be out in the world and begin our lives again.

Not going to lie I had a little upset tummy, which could have been from the shot or just the excitement of now being within sight of seeing my friends again in real life instead of a Zoom screen. To play games with my family. To hug EVERYONE!

Here's what I embraced most during the pause... life is delicate. I mean I keep re-learning this same lesson over and over. Life is short. Things can change in an instant. A couple swipes on your phone can connect you to new possibilities. A vote can restore sanity to a nation. A text checking in on an old friend can make someone feel loved. Delicate. Delicious life!

At some point we will probably need to put back on hard pants, go back into an office, and figure out the path forward. But if you are anything like me, you'll have a moment of gratitude at how lucky we were. How amazing science is. How there is no time to waste in life, even in just enjoying the pause when it's put upon us.

One of my besties has been too busy with a family crisis to do anything but check getting the vaccine off her long to-do-list so she was amused by my happy-high. Some will be: all shot, no chaser. But I reminded her that feeling the buzz of life being lived and taking a moment to breathe is what it's about. Feel it all. 

So, I hope you and those you love are well. I hope you get a shot at/for health. I hope you were scared and sad just enough in this last year to treasure this return to "normal". And I hope when it's time for you to begin again you hug, sing and dance yourself around wherever you go. 

🤗  🤍  😝  🤍  💃🏻  🤍 

[ My current playlist if you want to Begin 2021 with me 🎧🎶]

Special hug to 🤗 Chip

You're Not Alone

During this time I've had less interest in listening to podcasts as I did when I was traveling/commuting into the city so I just got to the episode below that I knew I would need to be in a calm place to listen to. Tim Ferriss' podcast has many great guests and I always learn something from each of them, but this one was about Tim himself. 

If you don't know Tim, he is: an author, investor, business personality, probably most famous originally for the book The 4-Hour Workweek. I've followed him for years and find him to be a good guy ... more of a tech/money/body hack stuff kind than an outwardly touchy-feely emotional sort. 

Because he's been successful at a lot of different things, I was surprised a couple of years ago when he wrote a post about how he was suicidal at one point. I assumed it was a high strung, type-A perfectionist personality thing. But like most things in life, there was a deeper story.

In this episode, he reveals that he had been horribly abused by the son of a babysitter from the ages 2-4. He doesn't go into much detail of the events but you get the idea of the brutality of it.

He is joined in the episode by Debbie Millman who is a well known business/design/podcasting superstar. He asked her to lead the conversation because they are friends in the real world and she had helped him deal with this issue, as she too was abused as a child. 

The interchange between these two is touching and sweet and so loving. But the truth that made me tear up while listening is not that they had both been abused (which of course is horrific) but that these two lovely, talented, beautiful beings both felt alone because of what had happened to them. TO THEM!

Debbie asks at the end of the episode if there is any final thoughts Tim would like the listeners to know and he says that he wants people to know: 

You're not alone. It's never hopeless. There are tools. 

You're never alone.

I've had several friends/loved ones who have been abused, had mental health challenges, substance abuse struggles, etc. It's hard unless you're a trained professional to know how to help someone in deep despair and some folks are just not able or willing to witness someone else's pain. But that's not a reflection on the one looking for comfort. There is always someone who cares. It's just a journey to find people who make you feel safe, heard and able to help begin the healing process. Debbie who has been navigating her journey for decades describes how hard it's been but how worth it is as well.

So if you ever feeling alone in the world, I wanted to leave this little sign here to let you know you're not. 

Be gentle with yourself, get help from professionals when needed and know even in these crazy times there is hope and.. You're Not Alone. 🙏

Trauma Resources from this episode can be found HERE.