(Not So) Bad (Not So) Good Guy

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to pull this off without offending someone and expressing myself just right but like I said in my previous post I do think the conversation about the Masculinity Crisis is of great importance so I'm going to give it a go. 

BE FOREWARNED: If you are easily offended skip this one 😬

First let me go back to where it all started... I was a HUGE fan of the Charlie Rose Show (yes, I know 😼). So when he had Louis CK (LCK) on for the hour I watched and was so delighted by their conversation. It was also around the time he did the bit on Conan about Everything's Amazing and I became an instant fan.

Well let me restate that... a huge fan of his interviews on TV because they were clean and calm and he was more himself. His comedy was quite vulgar and crude so I wasn't always a big fan of that. But when his FX show came out and he would talk about how he wrote, directed and edited it as well as starred in it, I knew he wasn't the schlub he was pretending to be on stage. He's a smarty.

And if you listened to his interview with his best friend of many years Marc Maron you also knew he was a soft and sensitive guy as well.

So that's where my crush came from for those wondering. 

Ok, back to the Theo Von interview and LCK's confession of being a sex addict... the thing that bugged me at first was when he said he was and still is confused about all of it. So below is my attempt to try and explain my understanding of why that might be. And I share this not to defend him but to have a real conversation about what things have changed for both men and women. Because if we don't begin to understand each other things are just going to get more divided and that would be bad for ALL of us. 

Here goes...

Theo brought up that what LCK had done wasn't that bad... well... it wasn't if you compared it to others in the industry:

• Cosby: Serial rapist who drugged women for decades and never admitted any wrongdoing. 
• Woody Allen: Even if you don't believe his daughter Dylan, which I do, he seduced his girlfriend's under-21-daughter who he had been at least a parental figure to. 
• Diddy: Hosted hottest party in the Hamptons and was .. well you know- really bad boy stuff!
• Trump: The man was caught on tape saying proudly he grabs women by the p#ssy and more than a few dozen came forward to say he sexually assaulted them. Not to mention he was best friends with a pedophile he had "wonderful secrets" with AND yet got elected TWICE to the highest office in the land/world. 

So by those measures, asking women if he could masturbate in front of them is minor league. 

Plus I'm sure for some this could also be confusing:

• Sarah Silverman: When they were younger her and her sister would often allow him to masturbate in front of them and she said she wasn't bothered by it and thought it was funny.
• Chelsie Handler: Is applauded as a strong woman while skiing down hills and then posting pictures of herself topless.

Up until the last few years I didn't enjoy either of them because I thought they were too much, and too crude for my tastes as well. But as they've aged and as Chelsie has talked about what she's learned in therapy - which is really profound and deep- I have really enjoyed both of them. And let's face it most of the top female comics for much of my life have had to be bawdy and ballsy to compete in the male dominated world. 

Don't even get me started on the Kardashians. You should know I really dislike what they stand for and it's personal to me. They are only famous because the name was associated with getting the killer of my high school friend, Ron Goldman, off for murder. That Kim was touted as having broken the internet for showing her butt on a magazine cover 😏 and how they took feminism back decades in what young girls think is successful by making BILLIONS modifying their bodies and flaunting sex is disheartening. 

All to say, for LCK and others it might be confusing what is truly bad and what can get you fame, money and an election. 

BUT...

Here is why it was really bad and was not OK for him to go back on the road before he cleaned it up and be flippant while standing in front of the SORRY sign joking about it. 

Sure the apology while decent compared to those denying their offenses was still jerky because he mentioned repeatedly that the women who were cornered admired him and that's why he shouldn't have asked them.

Nope not the reason! 

Many of them didn't admire him, they were just there for a job at their place of work and it was creepy to even ask. Also when a few talked about what had happened they were threatened to be blackballed by his agent. Not cool.

Though here's the main reason it was indeed so bad...

When you get assaulted by a stranger or a creepy uncle or a lech like Harvey Weinstein, it is gross and traumatic and will make a person hyper cautious of men/places that give them the ick. But when the man who they think is their pal or a good guy makes them feel unsafe then you have to be on-guard for every man because now you can't trust your own judgement. 

None of those women were new to seeing a penis- that wasn't the trauma- but to be put in a position that you're not sure if you will be raped or killed or maybe the least of it fired. It takes a person to be super strong or play along for her own safety. That shakes a person. 

Reminder, for those unaware: 

• 1 in 3 women have been experienced some form of abuse from an intimate partner.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
• Globally as many as 38% of all murders of women are committed by intimate partners.

And the ironic thing is his act is brilliant at explaining EXACTLY this...

So...

Louis, you took their trust in humanity and their judgement away from them. 

That was a very shitty thing to do!! 💩

Now, back to bringing us all together... there is nothing wrong with sex, or skiing naked or letting our friends/dates/pros see us enjoying ourselves. But time, place, permission and reading the room is called for. If in doubt, don't even ask to pull it out!!!

My guess is that LCK is not as confused as he claims, but wisely is again playing a little dense because he's afraid to say our society sends mixed signals when we can be sexual/aggressive and get a pass. As I mentioned in the last post the Masculinity Crisis affects everything. I get why in his asking he thought he was not that horrible and then being hated felt so scary for him. But not for nothing, when he said he didn't feel safe anywhere, that's how many women feel all the time. 

The bear... women chose to be alone with a bear for God's sakes!

So my hope is that this makes people see the other side and the disservice of us living on two sides of the patriarchy. And hopefully we all weed out the true sociopaths and the good guys at heart get another chance to do the work and become DUE Gooders. 

You're Not Alone

During this time I've had less interest in listening to podcasts as I did when I was traveling/commuting into the city so I just got to the episode below that I knew I would need to be in a calm place to listen to. Tim Ferriss' podcast has many great guests and I always learn something from each of them, but this one was about Tim himself. 

If you don't know Tim, he is: an author, investor, business personality, probably most famous originally for the book The 4-Hour Workweek. I've followed him for years and find him to be a good guy ... more of a tech/money/body hack stuff kind than an outwardly touchy-feely emotional sort. 

Because he's been successful at a lot of different things, I was surprised a couple of years ago when he wrote a post about how he was suicidal at one point. I assumed it was a high strung, type-A perfectionist personality thing. But like most things in life, there was a deeper story.

In this episode, he reveals that he had been horribly abused by the son of a babysitter from the ages 2-4. He doesn't go into much detail of the events but you get the idea of the brutality of it.

He is joined in the episode by Debbie Millman who is a well known business/design/podcasting superstar. He asked her to lead the conversation because they are friends in the real world and she had helped him deal with this issue, as she too was abused as a child. 

The interchange between these two is touching and sweet and so loving. But the truth that made me tear up while listening is not that they had both been abused (which of course is horrific) but that these two lovely, talented, beautiful beings both felt alone because of what had happened to them. TO THEM!

Debbie asks at the end of the episode if there is any final thoughts Tim would like the listeners to know and he says that he wants people to know: 

You're not alone. It's never hopeless. There are tools. 

You're never alone.

I've had several friends/loved ones who have been abused, had mental health challenges, substance abuse struggles, etc. It's hard unless you're a trained professional to know how to help someone in deep despair and some folks are just not able or willing to witness someone else's pain. But that's not a reflection on the one looking for comfort. There is always someone who cares. It's just a journey to find people who make you feel safe, heard and able to help begin the healing process. Debbie who has been navigating her journey for decades describes how hard it's been but how worth it is as well.

So if you ever feeling alone in the world, I wanted to leave this little sign here to let you know you're not. 

Be gentle with yourself, get help from professionals when needed and know even in these crazy times there is hope and.. You're Not Alone. 🙏

Trauma Resources from this episode can be found HERE.

Gaslighter, Denier... Where's My Apology?

 

I'm not sure I had heard of the term gaslighting prior to the last four years- and if I did I probably only knew what was inferred by the context of the rest of the point of the conversation. 

For those unfamiliar, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a "gaslighter" tries to lie and manipulate someone into questioning their thoughts, memories, and the reality of the events occurring around them. It came from an old 30's play and 40's movie where a husband tried to drive his wife crazy- or at least have others believe she was- by messing with the gas lights (and other items) in their home. In 2016, the term made the rounds after Lauren Duca's Vogue article about Trump and then hit its prime as runner up to word of the year in 2018.

Our president is trying to double-down before he leaves office by pretending he won an election he lost so he won't have to leave on 01.20.21. Amanda and Byrnn's tweets sum up what I feel on the topic but it got me thinking about all the other gaslighting I had experienced in life before I knew what it really meant even though many of us had felt it quite a bit in our lives. Bosses, exes, anyone who manipulated others for their own means.

And while I applaud the idea of bringing our country together and am a huge proponent of forgiveness and reconciliation these women point out two of the key elements before true healing can begin- truth & justice!

If someone has been an abuser they would like to skip this step and pretend that any battle was equal on both sides and so let's just call it even and move on. Nope! 

First comes cleaning up the mess they made and making amends before there is the possibility of forgiveness and steps forward. AA is based on this principle which requires making amends (steps 8 & 9) for prior harms caused along the path of recovery. Almost all religions also speak of some form of contrition and repentance when there has been wrongdoing done. 

If we want to move forward as a country let alone live a peaceful life ourselves I don't think it's healthy, let alone just, to let folks that have caused harm with blatant lying, racism, violence against others, or any dishonorable behavior get a free pass. Not only does it send a horrible message that our actions don't have consequences but it also makes healing for the people who experienced the harm more difficult. 

Imagine how hard it's going to be to get 74M Trump voters to see the truth when they have been told by him, the GOP and Fox News that he didn't really lose the election. Good luck trying to reason with the MAGAs they've radicalized! Those lying and attempting to gaslight our country should never be able to hold a place of leadership and trust until they have at a minimum come forward and spoken the truth.   

And even when there is truth finally admitted there needs to be the additional steps of amends and restitution to those harmed. Louis CK is a perfect example of a half-assed attempt to clean up his mess. Yes, his apology was a solid start but then he chickened out on cleaning up and doing the real work to redeem himself. So disappointing as a former fan.   

Recently I had an ex call to check in on how I was during the pandemic like our parting wasn't less than amicable. I was willing to hear them out because after previously ignoring three other attempts I thought who knows it's been a long enough time, maybe they had changed, maybe in this time of reflection they had done some work and were calling with remorse and an apology and we could be at peace. Alas they just wanted to pretend everything was bygones being bygones. Once a gaslighter, I guess always one- so not to mix my Chicks metaphors but I'm not ready to make nice 😏

I say to my ex or anyone who has enabled Trump or anyone who has harmed someone else and have let things fester and get even uglier: 

Where's the apology? Where's the truth? Where's the justice?

If there's no real truth and justice, then look out... 

we see your lie-lie-lies and we're done with you and your gaslighting 🔥  

When Can #MeToo Men Return?

When are we letting the #MeToo men out of the doghouse? The debate has begun and I think it's a pretty simple but hard answer... when they're ready to END, MEND, and make AMENDS.

END: They can come back when they've ended the behavior that caused the problem in the first place. And that means: end denying they did it, end blowing off that it was just boys-being-boys, end making women the problem because they stood up for themselves, and end any adjacent behavior that led to women being unsafe in their workplace, home or presence. 

MEND: They can come back when they have healed their own wounds that caused them to inflict themselves on others in the first place. Therapy, rehab, whatever it takes to have admitted their behavior was unacceptable and have begun to get in a healthy place for themselves so they can healthily be with others. 

Not just well-behaved because they're on-guard when being watched; if they haven't gotten help they'll find a new way to exploit others.  

AMENDS: Most of the men who behaved badly probably are going to avoid for various reasons actual criminal consequences for what they've done. That doesn't mean that the women they harassed, assaulted or even raped got to go back to their jobs, families and lives and just move on. Real restitution and amends need to be made to the women that these men caused harm to even when they are not legally forced to do so. If they want back in our sphere they need to have proven they have owned up and repaired- or at least attempted to- the situation.   

We shouldn't let them feel ostracized for a bit then everything's OK if the victims of their abuse haven't gotten an apology and a valid real attempt to be made whole for whatever they were subjected to. 

Simple, but hard for damaged guys to be able to do. 

Forgiveness should be given freely and I believe everyone is redeemable... but they have to do the work first. Otherwise they don't really mean it. If they can't end, mend and make amends they haven't learned the harm they've caused, haven't healed the brokenness in themselves to feel for others, and aren't taking responsibility for cleaning up their messes. 

And if they won't do that they can stay away for good! 

____________________________________________________________

Also see: Due Gooders

[Note: Dogs are too good to be compared to these men but it is meant figuratively. 

And it also goes without saying but will say it anyway... there were both m/f abusers who abused men and children as well. All abusers need to be accountable to be forgiven.]    

For the Love of Louie ... 💔

Nazis, threats of nuclear war, hurricanes, flag/kneeling kerfuffles, mass shootings... it has been a brutal summer. And as I was going through my own personal drama of a break up (a story for another day or another book 🤔 ) this week made me confront my other sad sad break up.... with Louis C.K.

Harvey Weinstein has been a trigger for women who have been sexually harassed and as a society the thing that is so cringy is that we know it's true and we know it's a daily occurrence and we know we are part of the problem for tolerating it.

For me, the times I've ever had to face any harassment I've done a good job sticking up for myself and I'm fortunate it's just been an annoyance not a trauma. But what I do need to clean up is I have ignored that my crush Louis CK is a pervert and an assaulter. There I've said it.

My love for LCK was unlikely in the first place- he's not my type, way too vulgar for my taste, and usually depressives make my run the other way. But he was so funny and talented I fooled myself into thinking his charming vulnerability in interviews was who he is. I mean Jon Stewart, and Jerry Seinfeld, and Chris Rock said what a great guy he was... I believed them.

I was a big fan who wrote about him and even a story for him and shared his work with all my friends. I was a Louie-Lover and overlooked murmurs because he had great friends, supported my political views, and loved his daughters.

His time in the hot seat is coming and it's agita-inducing to anticipate the unfolding. I feel for him because no person is all good or all evil and I think he's a guy who did shitty things and if you listen to his bit about being a prisoner of sexual perversion he clearly knows his demons are winning.

There are likely a few days or weeks or even months before his story breaks big so there is still a small window for him to realize he created this. If you're an asshole or an abuser it's your job to clean up your mess. If you force others to out you and only act contrite when you're finally caught it is not only an act of cowardice but shows you aren't truly sorry for the behavior just that you got caught and are forced to own up.

Coming forward will probably not happen but I wanted to put it out in the universe just incase there's a chance because the women shouldn't have to do the work for him. This is his mess. This is his shame. This is his friends' opportunity to support him in doing what's right.

Heart brokenly hoping for a morsel of a decent guy to claim his mistakes and make the world less nasty. And wishing strength to the women who had to drag around the ickiness simply because they were trying to make the world laugh and ran into a broken guy.
________________________________________________

11.09.17 Update: NYT article with accusations of 5 women 💔😢

Hurt People HURT People

Politico's Michael Kruse just wrote an article, The Loneliest President, and not to overstate it but I think he painted a picture of the man so clearly it serves as a snapshot for our world's problems as well: Hurt people end up hurting people.

It's hard to tell how damaged a person is from the outside or fathom why they would purposely harm anyone else. But look around... Nazis marching in the streets.  One traumatized son of an overbearing father pointing nuclear weapons at another. Emasculated white breadwinners hating dreamers. Sexually abused women taking their anger out on decent men or even their own children. Parishioners committing road-rage on their way home from service. The cycle repeats itself daily and generationally over and over and over.

Healthy adults who came from a sound childhood or healed themselves along the way see pain and anger and it makes them want to help and heal others. At the very least makes them have a bit of compassion for those who are angry and broken.

Sure we all have bad days, annoying destructive habits, and I haven't met a single person who if they were threatened couldn't turn and get a little ugly. But if I see someone being really foul, and angry, and abusive I think how sorry I am for them that they have to go into the world with that burden, that affliction.

Read the article and you can't help feel sorry for Trump's self induced isolation and lack of true connection. Imagine going through life not being able to trust a friend. Making every interaction a transaction. Feeling like everyone is out to get you. Must be a little slice of hell :(

Don't get me wrong, I think he should be impeached and removed from office and not allowed to cause any more harm to others, but it also begs the question: How can we as a society deal with all these walking-wounded adults before they hurt others?

As in triage situations not everyone can or even wants to be healed. If abusers are not willing to get help we need to isolate them and make sure we are taking care of our own well being. Then as a society we all need to ask ourselves...

Who hurt you?

Who are you hurting?

How can we heal individually, as a nation, and as a world?