The SPLASH

[Warning: There will be lots of shitty language and upsetting thoughts below--- 
if you're having a shitty or delicate day maybe skip this post.]


Shittiness doesn't just have the power to ruin someone's day, or year, or their career but can ruin their entire life or our whole world. 

See, when we are shitty it doesn't neatly stay confined to just us and the person we are shitty to........ it splashes and goes everywhere ........ I mean EVERYWHERE!

Because Stephen Miller is a shitty person a young boy separated from his mother at the border doesn't even recognize her anymore. Because the killer was a shitty husband my high school friend Ron Goldman is dead and his sister, Kim, has spent years of her life anguished by his loss. Because Donald Trump is a shitty president world leaders have had to adjust their economies, foreign policies, and military plans because they no longer have one of their staunchest allies as a reliable partner.

SHIT SPLASH hits the person you're directly shitty to and then ripples and gets on anyone who is in their life... and so on... and so on ... and so on... 

Imagine knowing Harvey Weinstein raped your friend and having to see him win award after award. Well you don't have to, there are women who can tell us how that not only affected their friend but how just knowing there was a serial-rapist in their midst changed what movies they went for, who they might be able to trust, and how they felt about the industry they had dreamed of working in. Clearly it must have been horrible for Louis CK's daughters to hear/read about the creepy things he had done but how shitty must it have been for his tv-daughters to know their director and co-star has now tainted what they spent a good portion of their young lives working on.

How sick must it have been for anyone who knew the true Cosby to see him being touted as America's Dad. He didn't just rape and ruin the lives of his victims he splashed that shit on anyone they loved or dealing with the fallout from their pain. 

The butterfly effect states: a very small change in initial conditions can create a significantly different outcome. That is a delicate way of saying your shit splash can ruin things you aren't even aware of for people who are merely in your vicinity. 
Splash, splash, splash!

We are all shitty at some time in our lives- heck in many of our day-to-day actions- but we can make life and our world better if we: limit how shitty we are to ourselves and others and by leaving less of a crappy-mess behind in our wake.

What can you do if you've been The Splasher?

• Map It Out: Take an inventory of your life, including your shit.
• Own your ME-anness: Take responsibility for your energy (& shit).
• End It: Stop being so shitty and clean up the mess.
• Do Good: Repair the shit you've broken.
• Create Art: Make helpful shit. 🎨💩👍

What if you've been a victim of shittiness? 
Do as Oprah did... take all the shit that has happened to you and turn it into fertilizer and  🌱 🌿 🌳 GROW!

When Can #MeToo Men Return?

When are we letting the #MeToo men out of the doghouse? The debate has begun and I think it's a pretty simple but hard answer... when they're ready to END, MEND, and make AMENDS.

END: They can come back when they've ended the behavior that caused the problem in the first place. And that means: end denying they did it, end blowing off that it was just boys-being-boys, end making women the problem because they stood up for themselves, and end any adjacent behavior that led to women being unsafe in their workplace, home or presence. 

MEND: They can come back when they have healed their own wounds that caused them to inflict themselves on others in the first place. Therapy, rehab, whatever it takes to have admitted their behavior was unacceptable and have begun to get in a healthy place for themselves so they can healthily be with others. 

Not just well-behaved because they're on-guard when being watched; if they haven't gotten help they'll find a new way to exploit others.  

AMENDS: Most of the men who behaved badly probably are going to avoid for various reasons actual criminal consequences for what they've done. That doesn't mean that the women they harassed, assaulted or even raped got to go back to their jobs, families and lives and just move on. Real restitution and amends need to be made to the women that these men caused harm to even when they are not legally forced to do so. If they want back in our sphere they need to have proven they have owned up and repaired- or at least attempted to- the situation.   

We shouldn't let them feel ostracized for a bit then everything's OK if the victims of their abuse haven't gotten an apology and a valid real attempt to be made whole for whatever they were subjected to. 

Simple, but hard for damaged guys to be able to do. 

Forgiveness should be given freely and I believe everyone is redeemable... but they have to do the work first. Otherwise they don't really mean it. If they can't end, mend and make amends they haven't learned the harm they've caused, haven't healed the brokenness in themselves to feel for others, and aren't taking responsibility for cleaning up their messes. 

And if they won't do that they can stay away for good! 

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Also see: Due Gooders

[Note: Dogs are too good to be compared to these men but it is meant figuratively. 

And it also goes without saying but will say it anyway... there were both m/f abusers who abused men and children as well. All abusers need to be accountable to be forgiven.]